I Called The Cops on My Son

I'm going through the same thing with my son. I feel your pain for sure. I've decided that it's my fault really. Since he has grown up with just him and I, he has had everything handed to him that he has wanted on a silver platter. I've never really held him responsible for anything. I wish I knew then what I know now. It's definitely more difficult to teach him responsibility at 14/15 than it would have been at 2 or 3. 

***** UPDATE *****

http://slappyintheface.com/2012/01/thawing/

I can relate to this. My husband and my 15 year old son really got into it last weekend. My son is failing the 8th grade (already repeated 7th once but is currently doing a bit better turning in his work) and then he was really condescending to his dad when he asked what size shoes he needed for gym. My son didn't want to go so his dad was just going to get them for him since we were going shopping anyway but he only got rudeness in return. My husband took away all of his games. My son actually threatened to call the police on his dad for stealing HIS stuff. My husband told him to go ahead because he was friends with a few of them. He never did call but he called his dad some names and told him to go F himself. I thought he was going to try to hit his dad but my husband just stood up and said go ahead but told him he wouldn't recommend it and my son backed down. My husband was so upset but wouldn't touch him because he was too angry. He just took everything even remotely fun from his room. He took the bags from the groceries and filled them up with stuff from my son's room. He told him he paid for everything he has, the electricity and internet that he likes to use and provides him with a warm place to live, food he likes etc..... and he wont be disrespected in his own house. Then my husband went in the bedroom for a long time. My son finally calmed down after 3 days and even apologized to his dad but I really worry about this happening again and getting worse as he gets older. I wish you and I both luck in dealing with this.

I'm so sorry you had to go through that. My teen is only 13, but I can already see his attitude and snarkiness growing. He's gone from straight As to a C- in one class, and I know it's only a matter of time before he's headed down a rough path.

My heart goes out to you and your family. I hope you all find your way to the other side of it all. No easy answers. I have seen the most dedicated, mindful parents struggle with behavior problems that seem to come out of nowhere. Stay strong, and wishing you peace.

I'm sorry you are going through this; it sounds like an awful, maddening, frustrating, and heart breaking situation all at once! Our brains are not fully developed until the early 20's. With all the hormones, it can be a really volatile time. Doesn't make it any less sucky for the parents who have to live through the day-to-day realities of it all. I wish you all the best! Hang in there!

That must have been hard, but I'd guess soon or much later in his future he will realize that you meant well. Hopefully he will even learn from it.

Too bad he couldn't stay in a shelter for a night. Maybe you could take him down to your areas skid row and he can take a look at what it likes to not have parents that love him and are ready and able to teach him life lessons.

Thank you for sharing your story. It's so terrifying to see the hell one's children can put us through. My older brother was a total rebel and "problem child" and there were lots of incredibly unpleasant scenes in my house growing up: police, fist fights, the works. (I am five years younger, which helped a little in keeping me away from the fray.) My son is just 8 but he is terribly defiant; it's exhausting. I am doing my best to hold a line with him, but his brain just isn't wired to do anything but say NO NO NO! (He has some neural processing stuff that abets the situation.) But I already feel the pressure of other people's opinions about him. As a parent, we know our kids, we know what we tried, we know where we've failed, and only we can decide what we should do to continue to try to reach them. I wish you (and him) some moments of calm and understanding in the storm, just enough to keep you strong and holding on. Hang in there! We're rooting for you!

If a kid gets like that, it's generally due to how they were raised. That sounds like I'm criticizing you, but that's not really it - being a parent is hard and no one is perfect. But what I'm saying is that if a kid is raised feeling entitled to designer clothes and being able to just go out whenever he wants, you can't expect him to just suddenly change his ways. And you can't expect him not to be upset when that stuff is suddenly taken away from him - yes, he shouldn't feel entitled, but if that's how he was taught (whether you realized you were teaching him that or not), then that's how he's going to act.

I also don't think the police should have been involved in this. You told him that if he doesn't like it, he could leave, and he did. If he wanted to come back, he'd have to follow your rules. Calling the police sounds like telling on him to mommy - you don't know what to do anymore so you try to involve a higher authority. Some parents are so focused on "teaching their kids a lesson" that they forget that no one, child or adult, will learn a lesson they don't want to learn.

I'm not a parent, but here are my thoughts. I think you should consider not paying for any extras for him. If he's not going to be respectful, he doesn't deserve any niceties. Tell him he needs to get a job and pay for his own things and that - possibly - he is on his own as soon as he graduates high school. Seems to me he really needs a wake-up call of some kind.

As a cop, I can tell you there are key words you need to use and key questions your son needs to be asked by the police if they are called again. Incorrigible and disorderly conduct are pretty much the same thing but in Arizona the first is not an arrestable offense and the second one is. Your son’s use of profanity while yelling can be considered disorderly. If he is throwing, breaking or damaging anything, it is assault, threatening and or criminal damage. These are crimes and he can be taken to jail. We can no longer arrest runaways. If none of the crimes apply, I can, at the very least, write a juvenile referral and your son will be scheduled to see a judge and be given consequences for his actions.

On my first visit to a home, I try to avoid any legal action because in so many cases the penalty is prohibitive for the parents (court fees) as well as taking time away from jobs, which is not always easy. The bottom line is your son needs punishment for his behavior and what I don’t agree with is letting him go to another home for the weekend. I would rather see him sit in detention than see him get his own way. I do understand that the officer was not giving you this option. Now is the time in your son’s life when he is testing boundaries. It is your home and your rules. No question. There are no simple solutions for parents or the police. The teenage years are hell!

Just piping up to say that I did some horrible things when I was a teenager before during and after my eating disorder. I was suffering from severe anxiety disorder and didn't know it. I can remember exactly what it felt like -- the anger came out of nowhere and I had as much adrenaline as though I were getting ready to jump off a bridge. Combined with normal teenage hormones and the fact that teenagers actually go through a period in which their thinking brains sort of disconnect from their feeling brains and they lose all impulse control -- a disaster.

That said, I think calling the police was a good idea. You might have a little of both on your hands -- depression or anxiety + needing a swift kick in the ass. I'm not looking forward to teenage years because I'm assuming my daughter will act like I did -- but I'm hoping she won't. So far she doesn't display any signs of anxiety and I was already doing so at her age.

I don't think medicine for young kids is a good idea, but assuming you're dealing with a crazy person and trying to get some distance on it might help. It might not. I don't want to give assvice. Here's what I wrote about teens a while back: http://www.blogher.com/confessions-teenaged-bitch

I worked in a juvenile treatment facility. Hard @ss kids that were on their way into prison or working their way out. I mean hard core gang banging guys whose lives truly are difficult. Their mom & dad aren't paying for their cell phones and ipods and cable television in their room. Maybe a trip to something like that might wake him up. I don't know! But as a mother to two young kids I dread this type of story....How does it get like this? I'm not judging you (I swear) I'm just asking??? When did you realize that the control was gone??? How does it get here?

I think you're absolutely right to call the cops NOW. I have a relative whose parents wouldn't call the cops, would tolerate all kinds of insane entitled behavior, but now, they have a 34 year old who is still pulling this crap as if he were fifteen. Except the stakes are higher. Good for you for nipping it now.

i'm so sorry you are going through this. *hugs*

Our sons are 2 and 7 right now, and the 7 year old can have some rather "independent" behaviors and attitudes. I listen to what comes out of his mouth and think, "how much worse is this going to be when he's a teen?"

You absolutely did the right thing; sticking to your morals with your children will (hopefully) someday help them shape theirs. Good luck, I hope things settle down soon for you all.

I'm sorry for the pain you're feeling. No doubt you've already thought of this, but...Any chance he is depressed (the lying around all day, et al.) or that this is the onset of bipolar disease or schizophrenia? Perhaps a medical workup to rule all that out would be a good start.

That is, assuming he cooperates.

You're not the first parent to struggle in this way, although I know it's small comfort to you right now. You did the best you could with what you had, and now it's up to him to decide whether he wants to live on his own, without all your "unreasonable" rules.

Just sent up a prayer for all of you.

Been there, done that. Several times. Last time the police officer who showed up at our door told me that I should let my husband beat the crap out of him. At that point I knew that calling the cops or threatening to send him to some kids home was not a good thing. Definitely did not feel like the right choice for us AT ALL.It was hard, but I convinced my husband that we should trust in our parenting and trust in the basic goodness of our kid. He doesn't run around. He doesn't ask for money. He doesn't hang with the wrong kids. We fought constantly about school, but I'll tell you what we figured out. He's brilliant, but he's just not cut out for traditional school.

So we let him drop out in the 2nd month of his Junior year. He's 16 and getting his GED instead with a goal of enrolling in college a year early. This was NOT our plan for him (neither hubby or I "slacked" like this), but we're just acknowledging that he always has thought differently than other kids and maybe, just maybe, he'll turn out alright in the end anyway.Since making this decision to back-off and accept him for who he is instead of trying to force him into our vision of what a son should be, he seems to have matured. He actually helped repair the holes he punched in his wall, painted those walls, and seems to be keeping his room (somewhat) clean. He comes out and empties the dishwasher, most often now without me even asking. He actually says "please" and "thank you" now -- something he would have NEVER done before. He socializes with us more and actually smiles and laughs more than I"ve seen him do in years. He just seems happier.

Hang in there -- these are very rough years. Only you as a parent know what's best for your kids.

I never called the cops, probably because I didn't think to...but I am very confrontational and assertive, so I was blocking the door rather than opening it. Sometimes you don't have any other choice. You are not alone in this, and I am relieved to know that I wasn't either (though I felt as though I was at the time). I just arrived on the other side and I can say from experience, if you stick to your guns and keep, no, force, the lines of communication open, your child will one day understand what you were doing and why. He will know you did what you did out of love and feel sorry for his friends whose parents just let them do whatever. Bringing him to a therapist couldn't hurt. It is especially important to rule some things out.

I wish you the best. This is the toughest part of parenting that no one warns you about. Know he will be a better person for all you have done and continue to do. {{HUGS}}

I don't blame you one bit. My MIL called the cops on her youngest (16 at the time) because she was getting physical with her and bit her. She was enraged, and turned out she had taken some ritalin that someone had given her. I believe she spent the night in "jail" or wherever they take minors. She had to go to anger management counseling, and although the counselor told her up front that she didn' think she would finish the program, she did, and she really turned a corner. She's inherently a good kid, just fell in with a bad crowd. I hope it turns around for you and your son as well.