I Called Dad but Dementia Answered

I felt at ease being able to confirm that.  But, I also wanted to cry.  Overall, I know he’s ok.  But, I’m not ok.  I do wonder how much am I able to endure watching dementia take my father from me, slowly, in stages.  Dementia has been taking him, or should I say taking him over, little by little for years.  It’s so hard to imagine how much worse it will become if he lives many more years.  The little girl in me just wants her daddy back.  But, I‘ll never have my dad the way I was once did.  Not ever again.  

I wake up every day, first thankful that I have another day, then thankful that I still find much to be grateful for.  My father is still here.  I’m grateful he still has his strong wit, his strong spirit and his strong faith.  I’m grateful he still knows who I am as he will indeed point out “I’m still your father”.   I’m grateful for so many things.  

But, I am challenged at times to live my best life, to handle my personal matters without thinking about his, to be professional without thinking about the professionals that increasingly enter his life, to enjoy little things in life since he seems to still somehow manage or to make my own relationship with my spouse a priority despite feeling my hands are tied, to some degree, with dad's affairs because he has a spouse.  But, she’s not my mother. 

Through everything, daily, I seek strength to do and be all the things I’m supposed to and want to do and be.  Before it’s my time for whatever is to come for me.  We all know that sooner or later, if we live long enough, it will be something.  Ailment, illness or death; something!  Whatever it is, I pray it waits and allows me to see my dad through the rest of his life.  I want to be there, every step of the way.  


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