I Can Justify Anything!
By shaloola on January 02, 2013
Growing up with the Guilt Angel hanging over my head has helped me to learn to make a justification for just about everything I do or not do in life. Guilt Angel also taught me the fine art of sucking up when I had a late assignment in high school, slept through an exam in college, or ran in late to my office (Oh so sorry, I got my period and that really tied up traffic this morning...). So, I can justify not making these resolutions:
Did you know that people actually FART OUT LOUD in a Yoga Class? As they are contorting themselves in highly awkward positions, releasing gas is supposedly detoxifying your body. But in a hot room full of people sweating? People pay money for that, folks... No sirree-I am going to downward dog when I get out of my bed in the morning and let BC enjoy the yoga perfume.
RUNNING?? Seriously-where are you going that you have to run to get there? Unless I am being chased by an ax murderer or trying to get to free Chanel Bags at the end of the Apocalypse, I am not running anywhere. I run to the bathroom. That's it.
Join a GYM? Uh, think of it this way. I want some work done on my face. Not a whole lot. But $39 a month for 12 months? That's $468 PLUS the join fee-Honey, that's a frozen forehead AND erased marionette lines right there!
Oh puuuhhhlllleeeaaase! I am a carnivore. Carbs are not my friends. Oh yes, they text me and Facebook me to come over and play with them and their Pinterest Dip friends. Carbs are the mean head cheerleader girl of foods. Just remember that.
Tenderloin with a Cabernet glaze? I. AM. IN. Thank God I love spinach, kale, broccoli, and other greens, especially smothered in olive oil and garlic.
BC is giving up Diet Coke. Well, good for him. I have ONE Diet Cherry Zero every day, and my teeth have not rotted out yet. Geez, the pressure...
Did you know that Fritos have very little carbs? Cracker Barrel has pre-cut sharp cheddar slices. Wine is full of reservatrol. Especially if you drink as much as the hubs and I do(we are going to live forever at this point). Real sugar is better than the fake stuff. Real Butter almost killed Paula Dean but used in moderation it's more healthy than margarine. Which is apparently one molecule off of plastic. Watch out for all those awful frozen diet meals. They do NOT look like the photo on the cover of the box. In fact, they look very sad after you cook them. Like they are missing something..like TASTE maybe???
Be More Organized
Just what the hell does this mean? More organized in what? My favorite quote is "A Clean House is a Sign of a Sick Mind". And my house is somewhat clean. I mean, I get the dog poop up off the wool rug in the dining room in the morning and I do the dishes from the night before. Then I vacuum the dog hair off the floor and flush a couple of toilets. That, my friends, is a clean house!
BC flies over night quite a bit due to his travels to Europe and South America. Kinda hard to make the bed with him in it. So that one is out the window. Oh, and putting dishes and pots and pans away as well as running the washing machine could wake him up and I certainly do NOT want to awaken the Kracken!
Our organization methods involve little piles of shit everywhere. Both me, BC and 17. And I can tell you within one millisecond, if you ask where something is, which pile it's in.
Okay. I am trying really, really hard to do this. I really am. But, because of the serious condition I have (that I diagnosed on my WebMD app on my phone) called Adult Attention Deficit Disorder, I need a bit of leeway on this. It's hard to keep track when you are in the midst of a sale at Target and you are fighting the neighborhood Tennis Bitch for the Tory Burch Lunchbox because, you know, we are inherently competitive...do you know how many bags of cheddar cheese I have in my fridge? I even take lists to the grocery and still screw up.
Besides, that last pair of UGG's I had that lasted me four years? That's only $30 a year to wear them. Take THAT, BC...
Yeah yeah. I will. Especially with the coming Zombie Apocalypse who would need to worry about it. Have you ever seen a Fat Zombie? I rest my case.
I can justify ANYTHING.
Visit my blog at www.forever-51.com
More Like This
Recent Posts by shaloola
Most Popular on BlogHer
Most Popular on Humor
Recent Comments on Humor