I Can't Believe They Pay Me For This!

So, I just started another new job.


And yes, for those of you keeping track, that is the 4th one in  the 16 months I’ve been in Oklahoma.


And yes, mathematicians, I’m well aware that this equals a new job every 4  months.


The thing is, once I decided I didn’t want to teach high school here—largely  because our community doesn’t pay high school teachers enough to keep a goldfish  alive—it took me awhile to find something that was both permanent and that I  really liked.


The permanency is up in the air—on a 6 month contract to start--but I think  I’m really going to like this one…


What is this one, you may be asking?


Well, I just started working for a company that monitors postings on  websites geared toward children.  I read posts, view uploads, etc and make sure  they’re kid friendly.


And I get to work from home!!!


The other great thing is that I’m pretty sure that I’m going to end up with  even better stories (and vocabulary lessons!) than when I was in charge of  conflict mediation for inner city St. Louis kids.


Because believe you me, there are A LOT of freaks out there in computer  land.  Freaks and a bunch of little kids who get carried away by the fact that  they can post with supposed anonymity.  Which means my co-workers and I get to  have long and disturbing conversations about bodily functions….because nothing  cracks little kids (and let’s be honest, my husband) up like jokes about feces  and flatulence.  So I’ve spent a shocking amount of time on Skype and in the  company chat room saying things like “What about drawings of poop?  Are drawings  of poop ok?  What about drawings of people pooping?  What if they’re pooping on  other people?”


It’s not for the faint of heart, let me assure you.


And, in case anyone’s wondering, I do hate me some poop jokes.


Would you believe that’s not even the WORST conversation I’ve had?


Far more disturbing was the conversation about the word FAP…Fap kept getting  reported as inappropriate and I couldn’t figure out why…I assumed that people  must be misreading it as “fag.”


“No,” one of the more experienced monitors told me. “It’s Internet slang for  masturbation.”


And I thought she was joking.


She wasn’t.


“It’s supposed to be the sound a man’s body makes when he’s actually in the  process of masturbating,” she explained.


(For the record, I have no idea if “fap” is the correct onomatopoeia for the  aforementioned action and I most emphatically DO NOT WANT TO KNOW.  Please do  not send me your suggestions, thoughts or videos on the subject. )


In any case, after that, I kind of wanted to turn off the computer and go  shower…but there was no time for that because I had other comments to read and  penis drawings to delete.


Seriously, I’ve seen more poorly drawn penises in the last 3 weeks than I’ve  seen in all my life.


But I have to say that it’s both gratifying and a little horrifying how my  former position as a conflict mediator for inner city children has helped me in  this new career endeavor.


“A trapstar is a drug dealer!” I tell people.  “Smashin and skizzins are both  terms for sex!”


But, best of all, each day I learn a few more inappropriate terms and  acronyms and about 6,500 different ways to say the f word…in fact, the company  issued me a LIST OF INTERNET SLANG AND SWEAR WORDS FROM OTHER COUNTRIES to be on  the look out for.


It’s like working for George Carlin, only better!


Of course, I may eventually be forced to admit that I’m not really  emotionally mature enough for this kind of job because the more I learn, the  more I think about how I’m going to work these into my own Twitter feed,  Facebook posts, and everyday conversations.


Make no mistake, it’s going to be offensive…but it’s also going to be FULL ON  awesome.


So, DLLM everybody!


Ok, not really, because that’s totally inappropriate…but come on, what a  strange way to swear at someone!


Brace yourselves, people, I think I’m just getting started!


kimbo325 is a writer and a teacher who is laughing her way through life.   To  read more about her crazy life, like her on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/ItIsInterestingToNote?ref=hl#!/or  tweet with her at Twitter @kimbo325

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