I Did Not See That Coming

… he’s been sleeping with my mother?? I did not see that coming. Isn't this something. Totally ironic, too, if you ask me, seeing as how I'd been talking to her about the whole situation. However, "out of respect for him", not divulging his identity, but I told her everything else; about his behavior, his violent outbursts, and each "bump in the road" we had hit, trying to get an objective viewpoint. I told her how heartbroken, hurt and confused I was, not understanding what I had done to make him so angry, how hard I’d been working to make him feel appreciated, wanted and happy. She kept saying that I was very lucky; I had really "dodged a bullet" and agreed with my final conclusion of him being a big-fat-spoiled-man-baby. After taking my daughter to school one day, I got a phone call. It was a friend of mine, curiously saying, "I saw your mom's car at his house this morning??" It's hard to do anything under the radar, here. Somebody always sees something. My heart sank. I called my mom, she didn't answer. I texted her, "please call me asap." As I waited for her to call, I begged the universe, "No, no, no... pleeease no." She called back, I immediately asked her where she was (that) morning - asking her to "please be honest with me." She shot back that it was none of my business where she was. I told her that this was serious, and begged her again to be honest with me, asking her directly, "was she at his house this morning?" She said yes. I was sick. I told her, then, that the man I had been talking to her about all week, was him. She was silent. "It was him?" She asked. I said, yes, all of it - it was him. She assured me that she had no idea. I don't know how long she had been seeing him – that, is apparently none of my business either - but she said he needed to be held accountable. Things with my mother have been strained for several of years prior to this. Recently I've really been trying to open things up between us and decided to let my guard down with this, I guess largely in part because I needed to talk to someone about it, and I wanted to talk to “my mom” about it. I don’t know where we go from here. There’s already such a rift, such distance between us. We’ve gone from best friends to near strangers. She’s changed so much and I feel like I don’t know her anymore. Our communication has been strained; there were already such limitations on what we could talk about without having a problem. I told her that if she continued a relationship with him, I didn’t see how ours would be able to continue. She said ours was more important. But then she told me that she knows things will never be the same with us. With that, I asked her again if she was going to continue to see him, because to me, that would be the only reason things could “never” be the same. She said no and I believe her; she’s really grossed out about it. I told her that we should not allow him the power or control to cause a problem regarding our relationship. Neither one of us had any idea about the other. She agreed, about not giving him power or control, and followed with, “this is just very disturbing”. She said that she’s always done everything she could to shield me from any drama she had (still analyzing that one…??) and now “we are both right in the middle of it”. I brought up how we used to be able to talk about everything, that a mother daughter relationship should be open to anything, for both of us. She said that we should not be talking about sexual relationships – although in this case, maybe we should’ve – but that wasn’t really where I was going with it. I guess I just miss my mom and am facing the reality that, this may be something that we will not be able to overcome. She’s made it clear, again, that her business is "none of my business". And mine is none of hers. So if our lives are essentially none of each others business, what do we talk about? What common ground do we have? On what do we base a continued relationship? I am very hurt. I am angry. I am sad. I really cared about this man, I thought he really cared about me. I believed all of the beautiful words he told me. I believed that his actions of kindness were genuine. Never in a million years did I think he was sleeping with my mother. I’ve learned, with this, the more beautiful the words, the more deceit I will find. The kinder the actions will bring more actions as equally unkind. I know that my mom is hurting too. But one thing I don’t understand and that refuses to acknowledge is, he and I were in a relationship previously. So, she entered into this “whatever” with him, after knowing that he and I were together; knowing all of the details, because, back then I was telling her everything. I don’t understand how she could knowingly be with a man I had been with and place any value whatsoever on our relationship. I had heard rumors about the two of them, but I chalked it to be just that, rumors, because when I had asked her she said they just talked sometimes. When he and talked about “re-addressing us”, he immediately said that he had “communicated with (my) mother, but that’s it, just communicated, nothing else.” I guess they both lied to me. And it appears he played us both. For how long, I don’t know. And I realize that, that this is a mute point, but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to trust her again, I will always wonder if she’s seeing him. I know I shouldn’t, but I will – at least for a while. So what comes next for me and mom. I don’t know. But what I do know is that I apparently need to call dibs on who I want to see. Stay tuned…

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