I Don’t Write To Hurt You, and I Believe You Don’t Write To Hurt Me

Well done, and much needed.

I think a lot of people, young parents in particular, seek out people who are as much alike - and like them - as possible, because when we're young parents, we're already so insecure about our babies, decisions, etc, that to see something different is perceived as an attack. Sadly, some people never outgrow the cookie cutter clique. (loved your analogy, by the way!) We can only hope that some day everyone on the planet will understand that chocolate chip, coconut macaroons, and oatmeal raisin can co-exist and even visit peacefully on a saucer until such time as they're both devoured by, well, probably me.

Except for the raisins. You can have all of the raisins. They look too much like sun-dried cockroaches for me. And if the stem is still attached, the roach is not entirely legless.

Experience brings tolerance, if we use it right. It will also bring intolerance, when something does not deserve to be tolerated.

That being said, there will always (sigh) be a population of overly sensitive types who stay up nights thinking of new and better ways to be offended, and there will always be people who are just simply mean-spirited and who live to hurt others.

"Don't be content with being average. Average is as close to the bottom as it is to the top."

Jane blogs as "Mamacita" at Scheiss Weekly, ( http://janegoodwin.net )hitting the fan like nobody can.

I have a friend who is constantly convinced I attack her passive aggressively through my blog. I'm not. there's nothing more I can say to convince her of that. I've given up trying.

but these people who take it so personally? they're projecting that themselves. we can't also take their sensitivity personally. yes?

Your thoughts are interesting, but as an older woman, I think I have a little different take on it. I have written things that I am sure have been offensive or hurtful, But I guess my thoughts are: hey! Don't read it! (I also have no estrogen left, so that could be a factor.)

well said. Carly Simon said it a bit earlier: "You're so vain, you probably think this (post) is about you . . "

It's not. The post is about me. And mine.
Which doesn't mean mean people don't suck, cuz they do, but we writers need to not be so sensitive about the trolls.

Easier said than done. And you said it perfectly! thanks so much, finding you on twitter now!

Kathykate (p/t copywriter, f/t mom)

Diary of a Return-to-Work Mom ( http://www.returntoworkmom.com/ )

Great post - I liked the first time, like it even better the second time. :) It's unfortunate that people don't take the whole blogger into account before rushing to judgement.

It's great to see this post here on BlogHer!

And I promise I am not a crazy stalker. You simply say so very well what needs to be said.

Part of the beauty of us all being human beings is that we are going to be different from each other.

As a newbie blogger, I can say I have a very(teeny) tiny following and must say I get excited everytime I have a comment from someone new. I know the inevitable hurt is coming and I can only hope I will use it to grow.

Even when I disagree with someone's post, I try and be respectful. I have to realize that not everyone thinks that way because of the ability to be mostly anonymous on the internet if they so choose.

tara

More of me at: http://iwantthursdays.blogspot.com

Alex, I cannot tell you how many times comments have made me feel sucker-punched, when I know that was not the writer's intent. The internets are a great thing until they block the true emotion behind statements which unfortunately happens so often. Great post.

Thank you. For making those extra efforts to get the post out there. And for letting me know that this post makes a difference.

Alex Iwashyna can be found blogging on Late Enough ( http://www.lateenough.com ) or tweeting at @L8enough ( http://twitter.com/L8enough ). Probably in her pjs.

Thank you for writing this...

I've sparkled it, tweeted it, found it on your blog and stumbled it too!

Everyone that writes or reads a blog, should read this!

It really is, to stir up stuff and tweak people's noses. I try to do it on purpose. But you know when I get in the most trouble? When I am totally trying NOT to do it. I've learned to be OK with people not liking me, and like you (I'm guessing) I learned it before I had my first period. I recently posted something that made me look like a complete bitch. Every day I itch to take it down, but I own it. I own my mistakes, my opinions, and me. And if you decide not to like me, that's ok too.

Except for you, Alex. I kind of need you. ;D

Who could POSSIBLY mock you for preparing for zombies? That's just good sense. And why I started following you in the first place.

KLZ

http://www.taminginsanity.com

I agree that people will hurt others intentionally at times. And although they usually have their own stuff going on, it doesn't make the behavoir okay or make me want to HUG them (not that I ever want to hug people).

However, I think that, when a person does that, it's my job to not fight back or fight public. I can delete or ignore. But I need to be the bigger person. I don't WANT to be the bigger person because it HURTS. And I've got a LOT of great comebacks to level them with. Seriously.

I'm sure that you dealt with your evil clowns well, and I'm sorry that you have a few that are so attached to you. Because YUCK.

Alex Iwashyna can be found blogging on Late Enough ( http://www.lateenough.com ) or tweeting at @L8enough ( http://twitter.com/L8enough ). Probably in her pjs.

99.9999 times out of ten, you're right. I do have a long-standing troll who specifically does try to hurt me. And the gentleman who took the coverage of our adoption in 2006 to call me horrible names... well, I'm sure he was dealing with something on his own, but you only call someone those words with the intention to hurt.

But otherwise, all of the Interweb drama is usually a misunderstanding or inability to see something through someone else's eyes or experience.

Contributing Editor Jenna Hatfield (@FireMom ( http://twitter.com/FireMom )) blogs at Stop, Drop and Blog ( http://stopdropandblog.com ) and The Chronicles of Munchkin Land ( http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com ). She is a freelance writer and newspaper photographer.

This is so awesome, Alex. seriously. It's so true. I have found myself wondering why people are so hard on each other in the bloggy/twitter/social media world.

Isn't blogging like journaling? You are sharing yourself in that moment that you were in. But you don't STAY there...and many times, when a reader finally finds that moment? You have already moved away from it.

This post rocks mah face off. No unhealthy ways to express myself here, lady.

Katie Sluiter writes about life as a working mom at Sluiter Nation ( http://sluiternation.com ) and reviews books at Katie's Bookcase ( http://katiesbookcase.com ).

I totally wish I had a tough skin. Kinda like an M&M. Hard candy shell. So I wouldn't CARE what people think, I know I'm sweet so screw you. But you don't like chocolate and then I think perhaps that would change my better traits...like being thoughtful and being able to see the other person's point of view. And then a really mean person comes along who obviously got poor marks in school regarding plays well with others and I'm back to wishing I were an M&M.

I have been relatively unscathed on my blog. I wrote a post about this too. my readers tend to be lovely, supportive people. never judging me. it's awesome.

where I've been mercilessly attacked is on twitter. I've been called some mean, awful things. things you wouldn't believe an adult would say to another adult. it's awful. and, besides the stalker, a big reason why I took my twitter private and why I now use the block button copiously. it was hurtful and wearing me down. I'm not impervious to bullies.

on the other hand, one of my best friends accused me of attacking her on my blog. I don't. and I wouldn't ever. but if someone projects their own insecurities onto what you write, what can you do?

Thank you. And feel free to emblazon it anywhere. Except maybe your forehead. Unless you are going to start vlogging of course.

Alex Iwashyna can be found blogging on Late Enough ( http://www.lateenough.com ) or tweeting at @L8enough ( http://twitter.com/L8enough ). Probably in her pjs.

Comments are a way we know people are readings and caring about what we are doing enough to speak to us. But at the same time, I read and can't always comment. I figured at least the blogger saw stat tic up!

I don't know if I'd like controversial comments better... But I'm SO over-sensitive. Although I'm over-sensitive to no comments too...

Alex Iwashyna can be found blogging on Late Enough ( http://www.lateenough.com ) or tweeting at @L8enough ( http://twitter.com/L8enough ). Probably in her pjs.

I loved this post the first time I got to read it, and I still do now. "Live in the moment - Don't be the moment." So important, and often forgotten I think. Doesn't make it easy to know this is true though, that's what makes us so perfectly human.

I work, I parent, I write
Visit me at http://coffeesandcommutes.com

This is a great post. Thanks for writing it. :-)

I am going to bookmark it and save it forever and bring it out whenever I need it.

I don't write to hurt anyone. Except when I am. And usually then it's because I'm having a moment. Or maybe not - maybe I'm sick to death of whatever and I hit my tipping point. Does that mean I'm having a moment? Maybe it does.

Wait. Now I'm confused.

My point is... even if there is an occasional conflict (and there will be), it doesn't need to define everything about us, how we feel about each other forever.

This morning on Twitter, someone was trying to start a trend trashing some dude because he tweeted that he thinks all women should be a size 0. Now, I don't know the dude. I don't know if he was kidding, or having a moment, or trying to piss off his ex-wife or what. I'm not going to hold a forever twitter grudge against him. I don't think he did it to insult my Size 12-ness. LOL

Sometimes I try to be funny and I don't realize that for a certain person in certain circumstances (and perhaps having a moment themselves) it could be offensive. I don't MEAN to offend anyone. I wouldn't hurt a fly. Well, OK, I'd smash a fly's guts out, but I would NEVER take a fly swatter to any of you nice people.

Unless I'm having a moment.

And if that happens, I hope you'll forgive, understand, move on. I'll do the same for you - I promise.

JustLinda

fabulously imperfect Nothing to See Here... Just Linda ( http://justlinda.net )

Twitter @JustLindaSTL

...ridiculously wise, my beautiful friend.

You make so many great points here, but I especially love this bit: "...we are all hypocritical. At some point. We don’t perfectly feel or believe anything. Nor do we understand each other very well."

Spot on.

Much love...

Nichole

in these small moments ( http://inthesesmallmoments.com/ )

is anticipating the rejection you know will come from people who disagree with posts you write. You brace yourself, but it's never enough to completely prepare you for the stings. I also encourage discussion on my blog. I don't want people to come to me for the answers, I want them to come to me for the jumping off point to a great dialogue. And until everyone realizes the title of your post here is true, there will always be those people who can't be mature enough to realize that they won't always agree with you on every point. Great post!

Jennifer Barr is a wife and working mom of two beautiful girls, 3 going on 13 and 1, which means she's sleep deprived but constantly kept on her toes! Most of those experiences are chronicled on her blog, http://midwestmomments.blogspot.com.

I swear the title of this should be emblazoned across the blogosphere. Such a great post and a very important reminder.

confrontational comments are better than no comments? i think i would take either, at this point.

and when you blog you are putting yourself out there :) I love to get feedback from other bloggers that's the fun part of blogging for me. I love that you encourage your community to speak up and a little hurt pride is good for the soul. At least that's what I keep telling myself :)

My first thought is for bloggers to stop saying: "if you disagree with me, don't read my blog."

But for you, since it sounds like you don't do that, I can tell you what I've done:
I encourage people on my blog to speak up.
I reiterate, at times, that I want discussion including disagreement.
And most importantly, when someone disagrees, I don't tweet out links to it asking for "support" or reply snidely. I let it be unless they are being quite rude to someone else, then I'll moderate.

I am really proud that my readers aren't afraid to voice dissension, even if it hurts my pride sometimes. My husband reminds that it's the price of putting myself out there -- a fair price in my opinion.

Alex Iwashyna can be found blogging on Late Enough ( http://www.lateenough.com ) or tweeting at @L8enough ( http://twitter.com/L8enough ). Probably in her pjs.

As much fun as it is to hate someone, I'm only setting myself up for my OWN bad day when I take it so personally.

Thanks so much, Rita.

Alex Iwashyna can be found blogging on Late Enough ( http://www.lateenough.com ) or tweeting at @L8enough ( http://twitter.com/L8enough ). Probably in her pjs.

We shouldn't all be the same cookie cutter or it would be a pretty boring world. I think disagreement is fun and healthy. It teaches us how to interact with different opinions, and accept another view point. We might not always aggree but we can engage and listen.

How do you think we can build a better community?

I love this post and this sentiment because I'm convinced the Internet causes a lot of problems when people read something weeks or even years after it's been posted and take huge offense. We are all human, we all have moods and bad days -- but people 99% of the time are just expressing an opinion and not intending to hurt anyone's feelings.

Great post.

Rita Arens authors Surrender Dorothy ( http://bit.ly/Qp0sS ) and is the editor of Sleep is for the Weak ( http://tinyurl.com/9pg62e ). She is BlogHer's assignment and syndication editor.