I don’t know a whole lot in life, but I know this much.

1) Apparently, you should get your air conditioner serviced every year and change the filter in your air conditioner every month. Because if you don’t, it might quit working.

2) If you buy a box fan and run it on the highest level, don’t lie directly in the path of its air flow for an extended period of time. Because it might make your eyes water and then subsequently make them ridiculously dry.

3) You can butt-change a channel on a remote control the same way you can butt-dial a number on a cell phone.

4) Apparently, you can also butt-turn on closed captioning on the TV, not realize for a long time that you did it, and then not be able to figure out how to turn it off. And don’t think that putting the TV on mute will make the closed captioning go away cuz it won’t. It makes perfect sense that it would, though, because if it can’t hear anybody say the words, then how can it TYPE the words, right? WRONG! I started to go in the bedroom to watch TV since the closed captioning in there hadn’t been butt-turned on. But it was much cooler in the living room. (Please refer back to #1 and #2. I got tired of dragging that box fan around the house with me like I was on oxygen.)

5) The lifelong argument over whether to use a ham hock or a turkey leg to season greens is unnecessary. What makes greens good is having GOOD GREENS! Collard greens (in comparison to turnip greens and mustard greens) aren’t that good. IMHO, collards are really just dark cabbage. So it doesn’t matter whether you put a ham hock or turkey leg in them…they’re just dark cabbage with a ham hock or turkey leg in them. And with turnips and mustards, either meat will work because those greens are good all by themselves. #TeamTurnips #TeamMustards #NoCollards

6) Sparkling apple cider is GANGSTA! Once you’ve had it, you’ll never want sparkling grape juice again!

7) Reading is fundamental. I learned two new words last week: eidetic and troika. And I kinda still remember what they mean. Eidetic means having a photographic memory. Just think about the special powers of Superman or Spider-Man or the Incredible Hulk. I think one of them was eidetic. But maybe not. And troika means something like a group of three people who are really important and have a lot of power. Like Randy, Paula, and Simon on American Idol. Only completely different since Paula and Simon aren’t on there anymore. So nevermind.

8) Buttermilk does NOT spoil after four weeks! I was wrong when I said that here. As a matter of fact, it might not spoil after four months. I can’t say for sure. I found some buttermilk in my fridge that had been there for an undetermined amount of time. I opted to shake it up and test it out in some cornbread I was making (see #5…needed a way to consume all that pot liquor. For those of you who don’t know what pot liquor is, go here.) It tasted fine to me.

9) Bras with underwires are our friends! Actually, a bra without an underwire is pointless. You may as well not even wear one. Unless it’s a training bra. An underwire can mean the difference between your boobs looking like this (   ) (   ) or like this [   ] [   ]. I know this isn’t the best illustration, but these are the only tools available to me right now. Go with the underwire!

This may or may not have come out of one of my friend’s bras after she took it out of the dryer. And she may or may not have been walking around with her boobs looking like this ( ) [ ]. What’s that you say? You’re not supposed to put bras in the dryer? Thanks! I’ll let her know ASAP!

 

Those are all the things I learned last week. What new things have you learned recently? Did you know that you were supposed to change your air filter once a month? And that you could keep buttermilk indefinitely?!

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