I Don’t Make Mistakes

I don’t make mistakes.

Am I perfect? No. Far from it. I’ve made more bad choices in life than I care to share or can possibly remember.  Some choices I made because I didn’t know any better.  Some choices I made because I pretended I didn’t know any better. And some choices I made because they were the best choice amongst a bunch of shitty choices. Still, I hold firm to the belief that I’ve never made mistakes.

I got pregnant with my son at 20 years old. Having him wasn’t the poor choice. That was actually the best decision that I have ever made. However, having sex with a guy who I barely knew in an attempt to assuage a broken heart was a bad choice.  That choice falls under “choices I made because I didn’t know any better”. Skimming a little money from the light bill to pay my rent when I was between jobs was a bad choice. Albeit I’d rather go without lights than a roof over my head. That choice falls under the “best choice amongst a bunch of shitty choices.” Agreeing to marry a man who I knew in my heart didn’t deserve me, wasn’t ready for the commitment and essentially ignoring my own intuition? You already know what category that falls under. That was definitely “a choice I made because I pretended I didn’t know any better”. And still, as costly as all of these choices have been, I hold firm that I’ve never made a mistake.

Mistakes and regrets are something that I do my best to keep from vocabulary. Why? They are just words right? Wrong. If words were so unimportant then why would simple phrases like “I love you” or “I f**king hate you” have the power to make your heart soar or leave you broken and devastated. If words were so unimportant why would a woman being called a “b**ch” feel so degrading and being called a “queen” feel so empowering. Or telling a man “he’s worthless and you don’t need him” emasculate even the most confident of men while telling a man “I trust you, believe in you and will follow where ever you lead” make a man feel like a king. When a person says words aren’t important, what they are really saying is “I am not in tune enough with my thoughts and feelings in a way that allows me to verbally express them.”

So why don’t I like to use the word mistake or regret? Not only does calling something a mistake or regret exude an air of defeat or failure but it takes the power away from you and gives it to the transgressor or transgression. Being governed by my heart, a lot of life lessons I learn through relationships. Both with men, friends and family. I remember years ago, I decided during a particularly difficult break-up that regardless of what happened I wouldn’t regret my decision to give my all to this guy or in any relationship. Why? Because regardless if it didn’t work out I knew what I gave, how I loved and who I was in that relationship was valuable. Me saying that it was a mistake or I regretted it would negate my value in that relationship and I wasn’t willing to do that.  My love and my ability to love is not a mistake.

A few weeks ago this principle that has governed my life for so long was challenged. I told my ex that I regretted meeting him. If I had ever made a mistake in my life he was it. I was hurt and I was devastated. I felt broken and betrayed. I wanted him to know that he hurt me so bad and so deeply that he changed me into a person that would never be hurt again. I didn’t want him to be able to take any credit for me “growing” into a better person. But then, I realized that what I was saying was that he had changed me into him. Not only was I giving him the power to control who I was, I was allowing him to make me into someone that I didn’t even like, much less want to be. If for nothing else than sheer determination and stubbornness, that snapped me out of it. That was not the choice that I wanted to make.

I learned that when we make a choice we are either give up our power or receiving power. By calling an experience a mistake or saying you “regret” something happening  diminishes your power. I refuse to give up my power and I refuse to give up my value. I take sole responsibility for the choices I have made. The bad choices, the pretend choices and the shitty choices.  Likewise, I am solely responsible for my growth and my happiness. I take full credit for what I choose to take away from a bad situation and how I choose it to grow me as a person, a writer, a mother, a friend, a sister and a lover.

I don’t make mistakes. I don’t believe in mistakes. Mistakes are just lessons that we haven’t learned from yet. And rather I like it or not, life lessons are the only way to make me into the person I am meant to be. So I’ll take those bruises, scrapes and breaks if it means stronger character. I’ve seen first hand what pretending to be strong  in character is and that truly would be a mistake.

Stronger, Wiser, Better…

The Mistress of All Things Fabulous

Out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks.

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