I don’t want to get married. Been there. Done that. Got the t-shirt(and the kid)

I am in love. With a person I plan to live with. Who is an amazing partner and a wonderful friend. Whom I think I’d like to grow old with, and with whom I dream of creating a merry band of progressive family and friends.

But there is no way, much as I want to show A how I love him that I’m eager to get married again. Been there. Done that. Got the divorce, the settlement, and the resolution not to do it again. “There is no way I ever want to get married again,” I tell my friends. “No reason to.”

And yet, the more involved A and I get, the more I review my reasons for not wanting to marry him. (And does that mean I really do?)

What I know is that I never again want to think about marrying someone as a way to show them how much I love them. I never want to get married to prove I care, to make a gesture, to let marriage become the declaration of commitment. I don’t want to get married so my friends and family know he’s the one for me, or to make it easier to handle our taxes.

I also don’t want to get married so I can have someone to take care of me. Or so I won’t be alone. Or for companionship, or to split the expenses. I don’t want to get married so we can share health insurance, or because it would protect us from STDs, heartbreak, loneliness, or depression.

I don’t believe in the institution of marriage anymore. Not for me, at my age and my stage. Although, many years ago, I thought making the commitment to get married was the most wonderful thing I could do, an amazing declaration of love between me and my former husband, now I think there are other ways to demonstrate commitment that are far more powerful. Like buying a house together, or planning a community, or just being happy and connected year after year, like my friends E and R, who after 5 years of dating, are having a hand-fasting, a beautiful pagan commitment ceremony.

Instead of marrying A, I want to treat him so well, every day, that our interaction has the same power as the legal ceremony I’m escuing. I want to be more honest and more present, more committed and more tender. I don’t want the security of being married to allow me to be in denial about ways I am not there for him the way it made it easier for me to ignore or deny my ex-husband’s distress during the long, slow erosion of what we had together. And I don’t want the rules and strictures of the state, or the social contract of marriage, have more emphasis than the life and the relationship we craft together.

I know that if A and I are together for many years, and our relationship continues to deepen, my feelings about getting married will change, and I may want to make that commitment, but right now, I am adamant about not going there. I need to show, and to demonstrate over and over, that this person and I are together not because we signed a piece of paper, but because we each chose to be here. And that the freedom to go is another one of the gifts we give one another in choosing, instead, to stay.

In our country, marriage is held up as a sacrament, a sacred union, the highest commitment. Little girls are trained to dream of it, boys to imagine they will someday select a bride. But not only do I not want the State to legislate whom I can—and cannot—marry, I also resent the popular culture that makes marriage the ultimate prize. The whole idea that couples who marry are by default more serious, more committed, and more absorbed in one another just puts my teeth on edge.

So as much as I sometimes feel tempted to give in to those old voices in my head that believe getting married is a way to show commitment, and those (newer) voices that want to ”prove” to A how much I care, my ultimate endgame is to push all that away. To call it silly (Or unnecessary).

Instead of thinking about whether or not I’d want to get married, what I need to do is to take the (for me much harder) step of being consistently caring, consistently present, consistently committed, in a way that brings us joy and moves us forward, day after day. That’s the hard work, in my book, the work that makes our love real, and that makes the sun glow on a cloudy day.

Comments

Amen, Susan!

I am legally married (mostly out of societal lazyness/convenience) but I agree with every reason you gave above. Stay strong! We deserve to love whoever and however we want.

Submitted by rubyji on Fri, 09/12/2008 - 12:38

Here is my take

Susan I completly agree that marriage hs to be your choice. But y take as a divorced woman is this: If I could marry him (the crazy ex) then why not the man I love. May be simplistic but just my take. I should also add that I have not evn had a decent date in forever so my 2 cents may be more like 1.

Michelle

I blog at http://www.mommycan.blogspot.com/

Submitted by Southerngirl on Fri, 09/12/2008 - 18:20

Marriage is a ritual, just like the
hand-fasting

I'm not seeing a huge difference between the hand-fasting and a wedding....they're both rituals. Humans seem to crave and create rituals.

Marriage, however, does come with a whole lot of legal rights and commercial impact (and I believe it always has.) That's what makes it important to fight for equal rights to obtain those rights for everyone, whether we personally want to get married or not. Either that: Or fight to remove the association of legal rights from the ritual of marriage altogether. Either would be fine with me.

PS-As someone who was in a very long relationship (8 years) with the S.O. before we finally got married, I can tell you that you don't need to get married to take one another for granted, or be in denial...long relationships are hard work whether they're "sanctioned" by the state or not :)

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Submitted by Elisa Camahort on Sat, 09/13/2008 - 07:06

I'll take door number 2

Either that: Or fight to remove the association of legal rights from the ritual of marriage altogether.

That would be my preference but it means we would have to dismantle patriarchy and I seriously doubt that is ever going to happen. So option number one - extending legal rights to gay couples it is.

I was speaking with a woman recently whose husband had passed away. She said that the difference between her ability to assist in his care and the ease of access as a caregiver was substantially greater when her status shifted from "committed life partner" to "wife." I am not happy as a single person by the ways in which marriage creates privilege from the state.

Marrying for love is a relatively new thing. Now that it's no longer primarily a political and economic contract I don't see the purpose for state sanctioning and legal rights being attached.

Happy rituals, however, I'm all for.

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Submitted by Maria Niles on Sat, 09/13/2008 - 07:50

well, I agree...

I've been in a relationship for 30 years without having gotten married. Neither of us wanted kids, which simplifies things, and I must say that all the patriarchal connotations of the institution of marriage (not to mention the very term 'husband') kind of grate on me.
It HAS been hard work, with many ups and downs, as is any long-term relationship. However, I think that people generally do what they want to do, and when a relationship does not seem tenable any more the piece of paper is not really going to make a difference. Basically, people stay together because they still want to be together. (Well, modulo the issue of kids, but that would remain a factor regardless of whether or not the parents were officially married).

Submitted by amygdala on Sat, 09/13/2008 - 07:23

hurrah

I think one big problem America has is that too many people who shouldn't be getting married are getting married because they "should" by someone's terms other than their own. Lordy me, if folks do not want to get married -- they shouldn't. The biggest prognosticator for failure in a marriage has to be whether or not the folks getting married wanted to do it in the first place!

~~ Contributing Editor, Mata H. also blogs right along at Time's Fool

Submitted by Mata H on Sat, 09/13/2008 - 08:33

Illusion of Security

Seriously, this post is so timely. Thank you. I've been thinking and thinking and thinking about marriage and what it means and doesn't mean - and yes, I think mine is going to end (this is the first time I've written about it in public). I'm sad, stressed, scared and relieved all at the same time, and I've come to the conclusion that I just don't think marriage is for me now or ever. I made the decision too young and I think for the illusion of security the idea of marriage provided. My husband is a good man. Our marriage may not be ending because he is mean or mistreats me or one of us has cheated. It just fizzled. And nothing I do can reignite it for me. And I want to let go of it while we still have respect for each other and can act in a way that is best for our daughter first and foremost. I use the analogy of a heart-transplant: I don't want to wait until we are so sick that we are finally "sick enough" to get a new heart (or divorce). I believe it can be done in a way that if not free from pain (certainly), at least one that will allow us to still be whole we are finished.

I am sure I'll love again; I hope so anyway. But I think I'm done w/marriage. I'm too confused about what it is, and I think too often it distorts from what is truly important and what can truly sustain a relationship.

Submitted by Laracolvin on Sat, 09/13/2008 - 09:02

wow Lara

Wow.

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Submitted by Denise on Sat, 09/13/2008 - 10:52

Wow

Thanks everyone for these comments and conversations.
S

Susan Mernit, Susan Mernit's Blog

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Submitted by susan mernit on Sat, 09/13/2008 - 11:28

Offering another perspective

There is a pop culture influence, this little voice at the back of some of our heads, telling us marriage is the ultimate, even though it oftentimes isn't.

Here's a great quote from another woman's article about marriage:

"it's hard to describe how family and social pressures connive to keep you in a crap marriage by bolstering the idea that you've somehow failed if it falls apart."

Check it out: http://www.bettyconfidential.com/ar/h/a/a01817.html

Submitted by enticingenigma on Sun, 09/14/2008 - 17:07

Marriage as a sign of worth

I still struggle with the cultural notion that being paired or married increases worth in the eyes of others. http://specialktreatment.blogspot.com/

I struggle to reject the notion that my life will be less full if I don't marry, if I don't have children. That I will matter less. That I will be lonelier.

Are these fears mine? or accepted from the culture at large???

Submitted by SpecialK on Mon, 09/15/2008 - 19:04

Relationships

Tara S. Dickherber, M.Ed, CPC

come in all shapes and sizes. Society is changing, slowly sometimes, but it is changing. I am married. It was our choice to do so. I support anyone in the rekationship that they choose as long as it's healthy, and both parties are in agreement. 50% of marriages end in divorce. Shoot my siblings have each been married three times. My mother twice. Enjoy where your at now. Be wonderful to each other!

Submitted by tarasd72 on Tue, 09/16/2008 - 16:42

Marriage

I'm surprised more people have not commented on why marriage is a good thing.

I've been married for nearly a decade to a wonderful man that I love. We both have our faults, but we work through things. We got married, because we wanted to have all the parts of a marriage. The love, care, affection, sex, legal rights, etc. A person might think that a couple can have all that without getting married. However, I am a Christian and God tells us to not commit adultery (sex outside of marriage) (Exodus 20:14). I'm not judging you if you don't agree with me.

You may not believe in the Bible so you really don't care about what it says. I do believe in it, so it does matter to me. I'm not a "Bible thumper" or some other derogatory term toward Christians. I just know how loving Jesus is, and I want everyone to know His love. Knowing God is the only thing that matters.

Submitted by Roseann on Thu, 09/18/2008 - 11:14

Roseann, hi!

There are a great number of people who "believe in the Bible", but may not interpret that belief in the same way that you do. That does not mean that we do not care what it says. People of very deep faith may well see certain texts differently from your view. The word "adultery", for example, can be correctly defined as "voluntary sexual intercourse between a married person and someone other than his or her lawful spouse.".

However if it feels wrong for you to live together without matrimony, then you are being absolutely true to your faith by marrying, and "walking what you talk', which is always a good thing. I do not mean to criticize that at all! I'm just saying that the Bible can matter to those who make a different decision.

~~ Contributing Editor, Mata H. also blogs right along at Time's Fool

Submitted by Mata H on Fri, 09/19/2008 - 06:42

Religion and marriage and commentds

Roseann, thanks for sharing your perspective. It's important to know--and follow--the beliefs we hold as core. For me, right now, marrying again is not one of them, but I respect everyone's right to make that choice.

Susan Mernit, Susan Mernit's Blog

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Submitted by susan mernit on Sun, 09/21/2008 - 15:08

Marriage does not = Happiness

Interestingly enough I thought that marrying the man that I had been with since I was 21 would be the right thing to do. We lived together, I had extremely religious parents and afterall "I loved him". Well, 1 month after we were married he bagan cheating on me. Crushed every idea of marriage that I had. (Security, Joy, Love etc. etc)

Marriage is not for everyone just like having children is not for everyone......we have to do what makes us happy. It is not my place to say what is right or wrong. But where I am concerned when I finally do meet "The man of my dreams" if there is such thing. I will not marry him and he will understand this. Marriage complicates things. I am a strong, self motivated, financially stable, insurance carrying woman. I want to be with a man that can handle this, understands it and likes it. Man, I could go on forever. But I wont.........;o)

You go girl and so many things that you have said I concur

Submitted by momof5 on Sun, 09/28/2008 - 16:32

Slightly Different

Hi,

I have a little spin on the topic. I've been with my partner for 5 years. I've never been interested in marriage. I hate weddings, why would I want to have one of my own? Saying that, I always figured if I met "the one" and my grandmother was still alive, or if he wanted to, I would. No big deal, right? Well, then the day came with a visit from my mother and an over priced ring from my grandmother with a suggestive note for my partner. We were left to make up our own minds "with no pressure", but we had 48 hrs to decide. With no real reason not to, we said ok. Now I am pulling my hair out wondering what I've gotten myself into! I don't believe the government, or any other 3rd party, has the right to declare me 'commited', for a fee of course. I don't like throwing big parties. I don't want to invite some person "who changed my diaper once" who keeps in touch with some close relative. My female family members who usually respect my space and individualism are quickly erasing my boundries. If I pull out now, I'm the one who looks bad. Not to mention, any possible "specialness" has been stolen from us. On top of all that, the timing SUCKS! I'm finishing school and starting a business in a questionable economy. I've been the 'bad kid' until the last couple of years, and thought this would make up for it, but it's just making me miserable. My advice to any brides-to-be: ELOPE!!!! Or better yet, don't bother. Just skip to the honey moon!

Submitted by XY on Tue, 02/24/2009 - 15:25

Doing it again!

I'm in love and getting married a second time. I don't want a big wedding! The first one I had was big it was fun and before the day came I ended up throwing in the towel to my mother and aunt who seemed to be more involved on what the wedding was suppose to be like for the guest.
When I look back I don't remember a whole lot about that night, except being exhausted. And I know my parents paid a fortune for it.

I wouldn't have a wedding now but the new man in my life has never been married. My mom says respect him and his family and have a wedding...

I didn't want my first one, I wanted a small one with only the two of us on a island. My mother gave me heck about wanting it to just be the two of us. It's all about putting on a show for others. I feel I express my love for him every day. Every day is special.
I don't like attention on myself or making a big wooptie doo about things.

Wish me luck.

Submitted by Me_2009 on Thu, 05/14/2009 - 20:34

Wow, this sounds familiar

I just wrote a post about this today.

I'm 30 and have never been married, but I have, as I sarcastically say, gotten my "miserable first marriage out of the way"- my ex-partner of four years, who had made a lifetime commitment, betrayed me on many levels and left me homeless, jobless, and in another country because he needed "some space." So, yeah, I do feel like I've "been there and done that." And I'm so glad I was smart enough not to marry him at 22.

Now in a wonderful relationship, I am incredibly happy that my boyfriend agrees with me that marriage is at best unnecessary and at worst a means of social control that privileges certain relationships at the expense of others.

Submitted by stellatex on Mon, 07/20/2009 - 18:40