I Don't Care What Miley Cyrus Does With Her Vagina, and You Shouldn't Either
By Robin.Willmering on August 28, 2013
I don't think there is a single breathing individual who has access to the internet and hasn't heard something about Miley Cyrus' provocative MTV Video Music Awards display. If you've gotten to this point in time and somehow miraculously missed out on the excitement, congratulations! Unfortunately I'm about to ruin your blissful state of unawareness. Spoiler Alert!
So, here's the thing. Miley Cyrus has never really been a perfect angel, never proclaimed to be a perfect angel, and even under the infamously protective hands of the Disney corporation, Miley was something of a rebel. Now that she's 20 years old, she's transgressed from the "aww" factor of being 14 years old and a G-rated kid's show star to, well, shaking her ass on national television. But, really, why is this news? And more importantly, why do you care?! One of the most surprising thing I've learned in the past week isn't that Miley Cyrus can rub herself against a pop-culture reference I've never heard of, but rather the fact that this many well-adjusted grown adults still pay attention to the MTV Video Music Awards. What were you all doing, munching on chili fries and waiting for the N'Sync reunion? Once upon a time I too cared about the VMAs, back when Diana Ross groped L'il Kim and Ricky Martin rocked the "Best Dance Video" category with Livin' La Vida Loca. Because, you know, I was in high school. Facebook friends, you're nearing or have already crossed over into your 30s. What are you doing watching the VMAs?
I think part of the reason we're hearing so much backlash about Miley Cyrus is that most of the people who are being most vocal about her absurd performance are parents now, and are seeing this from a parental perspective. Well, stop. Stop watching it and thinking she's a child, and start remembering yourself when you were 20. I don't mean the way you want your kids to think you behaved at age 20, but the way you actually were. Those of you who Walk of Shamed to your 9am class wearing the same dress as the night before topped with some frat boy's hoodie, I'm talking to you. Those of you who rented party limos solely for the intent of getting shitfaced and screaming out of the retractable sun roof, I'm talking to you. Those of you who missed out on the college experience, but still managed to have a "whoops" baby with a guy you met at a party, I'm talking to you. Those of you who have been to a Mardi Gras party, do I even need to say it? What I'm not doing is judging you. Why? Because we all did stupid shit when we were 20 years old. That's what 20 years old is for;you're old enough to make your own decisions, but young enough to be really bad at it. Now think about this: at age 20, if someone paid you a gazillion dollars to rub up against an R&B star and shake your booty for five minutes, would you have? Don't lie to yourself, we both know the answer is yes.
So, since we're all actually grown-ups here, let's throw in some actual data. According to the website http://www.zimbio.com/Miley+Cyrus/dating , Miley Cyrus has been paired up with 6 individuals. Assuming this information is correct, and also throwing in a few potential one-night stands for good measure, let's just say that a total of 10 people have slept with Miley Cyrus. And according to http://www.census.gov/popclock/, at the time of this writing there were 7,107,780,600 people on the planet. Let's round that up to 7,108,000,000 to make this easier (and frankly because it will probably be that high before anyone reads this article). So if she's had sexual relations with 10 people, and there are 7,108,000,000 people on this planet, you have a 1 in 710,800,000 chance of sleeping with Miley Cyrus. What she does or doesn't do with her vagina will have zero effect on you. So until she starts Amanda Bynes-ing all over the place, leave her alone and let her experience her youth the way you wish you could have, $50,000 at a time.
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