I don't know. Should we try for another? Contemplating baby #3.

"Should we have one more baby?"

This, my friends, is the question I've asked the husband over and over for the past couple of months. (Lucky him, I know.) Again and again he heard,  "Maybe we should have just one more? What do you think? I mean, just one more?"

Each time his response was the same:

"No. We're fine. Our dynamic is awesome. What we have going is perfect."

Still, I mulled it over. Continuously.

And I do mean constantly.

A very, very, very good friend of mine asked me this:

Do I want to have another baby because I really want to have another child? Or do I want to have another baby because the idea of not holding my very own newborn in my arms all over again makes me sad?

Hmmm…

That, my friends, is a difficult one to answer.

I know this much is true:

1. I love the idea of having a large family. Crazy family holidays. Chaos. Grandchildren. Chaos. More chaos. For some reason I find this appealing.

But I'm realistic and know that what my mind's eye conjures up regarding my future has almost certainly never been my reality. Ever. 

2. I love the idea of being pregnant again. I actually enjoyed being pregnant. I liked my belly. I liked the idea of growing a human.

Still, I know that invariably "being pregnant" translates to "being a parent" with a newborn and all that comes with that. And let's be honest, my uterus isn't aching to grow like that again.

3. I'm a working Mom. I'm fulfilled both from mama-ing my babies, but also by spending (what little) brain power I have on my career.

Another baby means more balance. More guilt. More crazy scheduling. More questioning if working is helping or hindering my children.

4. One more child wouldn't financially break us

But, one more child doesn't just need diapers… she'll need shoes and a college education. We'll need a bigger car. That adds up.

Other considerations:

I live in Mexico.
I'm 33 years old.
I have no intention of getting pregnant within the next 12-18 months and I'm not overwhelmingly keen on having another baby here. While my experiences were fine, they weren't incredible.
Who's to say that getting pregnant one more time wouldn't be one-time-too-many?
The fact of the matter is that I live in a location where the finest healthcare in the world is NOT available.
Do I want to risk it?

I literally went on and on like this.

Right now, here's my answer:

"No. We're fine. Our dynamic is awesome. What we have going is perfect."

Ok, it's not really perfect. But it's us. And it works.

It's taken me a few months to confidently believe that.

My girls are 19 months apart and for the first time in a long time, we're seeing what independence is like -- for them AND us. We can go out more. There's no diaper bag. There's no, "Ohmygosh - we forgot the pacifier!" Life has gotten (slightly) simpler. We can all four sit down and watch a movie on a Friday night. We're in our groove.

I remember when I was trying to get pregnant for our first child...  I would journal and pray, trying to convince God that if He just gave me one childone child…  I wouldn't need any more. "Please dear God, just give me one child. Please, bless us with just.one.child."

And I can't help but remember those prayers now when I consider, perhaps selfishly, adding to our family. I'm reminded that I am so very and completely blessed to have these two ladies in my life.

Right now, a family of four is just right for us.

I say that without a shred of doubt.

I've heard from many friends who have three or more children that they just knew they weren't finished; they knew there was more to their story.

I don't feel that.

I know my daughters are going to grow older and the pang of them them no longer needing me in the same way they need me now will be both bitter and sweet.

But you know what else will be kind of sweet? Having my relationship with C. come full circle.

It started out just him and I.

Then it was us and her.

Then it was us and her and another her.

Then, again, it will be him and I.

This.is.good.

Life is good.

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How about you? Where are YOU with this?
How did you know that the number of children you have is enough?
Did you and your significant other agree? Do you?

(If you're having trouble commenting on my blog - let me know. Email me at kyleeATtwopretzels.com.) Just remember to not actually type AT and instead use the @ sign, mmmkay?

Note: I wrote this post a couple of weeks ago but I've been slightly superstitious about publishing it. You know, as in as soon as I do I'll end up 7 months pregnant. I understand the potential fallout and hope that by putting this post out into the universe I don't end up knocked up.

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