"I Don't Need A Man" - I'm Calling BS On This Catch Phrase

You are confusing the word need with want. No one "needs" a man. We need companionship but it doesn't necessarily have to come in the form of a man. Family and friends can offer that need as well as a man.

A need is a necessity, something we have to have to survive and maintain life. Any woman who deems a man necessary in order to be happy has nothing to offer a man except dependence upon him and what he can give her.

There are women who are happier if they have a man in their life, they can't be self-sufficient outside of a relationship.

I think there is something far more bothersome about the fact that there are women out there who can't be happy without a man, than the idea that women don't "need" men.

I want a man for sex.
I want a man for friendship.
I want a man to share special occasions with.
I want a man for a myriad of reasons.

If I never get what I want I will still have what I "need," the ability to sustain a life that satisfies and makes me happy.

I learned something valuable from my mother. She was married to the same man for 53 years. She loved him and wanted him. They had a great life together.

Although he is gone now she continues to have a great life. You see the greatest gift she could give my father was choosing to want to be with him, instead of thinking she "needed" to be with him.

I'll take someone wanting me over needing me any day. Want is so much sweeter than need.

Divorced Women Online ( http://divorcedwomenonline.com )

DivorceSupport.About.com ( http://divorcesupport.about.com )

The days of women 'needing' a man for survival and financial security are gone. I think we all agree about that:) I'm referring to our need to partner with another person.

I think that in today's day and age women DO need men, perhaps more than ever. But I think we're ALL confused about what those needs are. Or maybe we aren't even aware of them cause the rudimentaries have been covered by us, ourselves and we're so darn busy!

I know what some of my needs are. Here're a few examples:

- I need a partner who misses me while I'm away on business.
- I need a man because I feel safer.
- I need a man to fix things when they break (I'm sick of it!).
- I need a man who cares about my well-being and to share fun times with.

(I could go on and on, adding to this list.)

Perhaps you judge my list as mushy - or are mentally trying to outsource each task to other people. But it's important we all understand that men feel happiest and most successful in relationships when they feel NEEDED; women feel happiest when they are supported, heard and not alone. And if we women can't open ourselves to feeling our need for men, there's no room for them to enter.

Delaine Moore

www.iamdivorcednotdead.com ( http://www.iamdivorcednotdead.com/ )

Because a woman's body never lies...

How about people who have lost their entire families in natural disaster or accident. Can they move on, living happy, healthy productive lives? Yes they can. They do not NEED their family in order to be happy.

How about people who have been abused and betrayed by family members? How about the gay kid who has been completely disowned by his or her family? Does she need her family? No, she doesn't.

There are an awful lot of family relationships that are emotionally and physically harmful and if I came across someone who said "I don't need my family." I'd say good for you! Because I believe it can be true - should be true.

I really do not need any one particular type of relationship, and obviously one gender, in order to be happy.

~Denise
BlogHer Community Manager
Life. Flow. Fluctuate.

I'm not at all denying or embarrassed by my need to be loved. And of course we need family and friends -- nothing I said in response to your post would indicate that isn't true.

I related my experience and the conclusions I've drawn living my life. Your need to tell me that those are -- and I am -- wrong doesn't really work for me, so I'll just agree to disagree. :)

Laurie
LaurieWrites ( http://lauriewrites.typepad.com )
Photos on Flickr ( http://www.flickr.com/photos/rubyshoes )

Your insistence that every woman needs a man (or a love partner, to be less heteronormative) is insulting because the contention is that I'm somehow wrong, less than, in finding myself happiest alone.

I'm not saying that won't change in the future. But I'm saying for now that I have no need for a love partner and that it feels just fine to me. I'm also not denying that most people are happiest in a good paired relationship.

And no, usually I don't go around talking about this. People who know me well know I am happy and don't nag me about my relationship status.

WE don't go around in the real world or online saying, "I don't NEED my family." Nor are we compelled to follow that with, "I WANT my family."

Now apply this stream of thought to men - you'll see what I mean.

Ladies, I am totally in favor of celebrating women's independence and the rights we, and our foremothers, have fought to own. I'm pointing out, however, that the price tag shouldn't have to be us denying - or being embarassed by - our hearts NEED to love and be loved.

...or shall you argue the love of your family isn't a need either?

The words we chose to use everyday - both internally and externally - carry meaning and affect us and those around us. I think it's important we take pause to examine what we are affirming, as well as the authentic emotions that lay behind it.

Delaine Moore

www.iamdivorcednotdead.com ( http://www.iamdivorcednotdead.com/ )

Because a woman's body never lies...

Okay, I may not technically NEED my husband, but I sure as heck WANT him. A lot. I love what he adds to my life. I love that his being compliments my being. I love connecting, cuddling, and building our lives together. I may not need him to pay my bills or do my laundry, but I think I do need the emotional connection to be fully happy. That's just me.

More on Man Bashing:
http://angeladigiovanni.com/2011/02/07/stop-punish... ( http://angeladigiovanni.com/2011/02/07/stop-punish... )

Angela DiGiovanni | Living Out Loud ( http://AngelaDiGiovanni.com/about/ )

The Virgin Wife Chronicles ( http://angeladigiovanni.com/the-virgin-wife-chroni... )

...It's passive aggressive.

But it's also true in the sense, of can we do without? Yes and that gives us choices.

To take our time to choose the man who is kind, who treats us and our children well, who is caring and loving.

We don't *need* a man, we can take care of ourselves emotionally, physically and financially. But is life better with a man (or woman) who is loving towards us?

Absolutely!

Alison Golden writes at The Secret Life Of A Warrior Woman ( http://alisongolden.com )

I also have to add my 2 cents.

I dated for 30 years - from age 15 to age 45, and I never got good at it. I was always either miserable or making someone miserable, with a few brief interludes of happiness.

For the past five years, I have been single. Happily single. I love arriving home to my house where it is just me and my dog. I don't get lonely. I don't pine for a relationship and I'm not looking for one. If the perfect man fell into my path, I might consider it, but very, very carefully, because I don't want to mess up to good thing I have going on.

I think good relationships are a wonderful thing. But it doesn't seem to be how I operate best.

If someone's "heart is closed," she's angry and grieving, does she need another woman to aggressively attack her with words like this and call her a liar? I know I didn't when that was me.

We could all use a little more kindness. People need to know they can stand alone before they can move forward again sometimes. There are myriad reasons why a woman would say this. And it is absolutely true that I don't need a man. My life bears this out. Whether I want one or could use one or not? Different story. And I will argue that the defensiveness inherent in your average utterance of "I don't need a man" is a response to the continual insistence in our culture that without one you are less than a viable human being. That's the part that needs to be attacked and called a lie.

I know full well about the need to be loved. I knew it in my most lonely times and I know it now that I'm beginning to live again. If you "get in my face" about it? I'm going to calmly ask you to get out of my face, because anyone who comes at me that way about this very personal, vulnerable topic doesn't belong there. Sorry.

Laurie
LaurieWrites ( http://lauriewrites.typepad.com )
Photos on Flickr ( http://www.flickr.com/photos/rubyshoes )

As a lesbian, I don't need a man. I guarantee you of that. And I've often had to use that expression, and mean it, in order to handle the heteronormative society that is sure that I do, in fact, need a man.

But let's pretend for a minute that I'm not gay. Or let's pretend that I'm thinking about this in relation to at least one of my daughters.

I don't believe she "needs" a man for about eight million reasons. First, because any woman who feels like she cannot be happy and fulfilled without having an intimate relationship with a man is selling herself short.

I do not ever want my daughters to feel that they NEED a man in order to be happy, healthy, contributing human beings. I don't want them to feel like they NEED a man in order to feel worthy - or beautiful - or strong. And so often in our society, women do feel like they are "less than" if there isn't a man in their life. They feel like they are unlovable, not special, not beautiful - unless a man expresses interest.

I do not ever want my daughters to have their self-worth tied to how someone else, male or female, sees them - or treats them - or views them.

Does my daughter "need a man"? No. DO I want her to find someone (or several someones if she chooses) to share her life with - intimately - definitely. Do I believe she can be happy without such a relationship - yes. Yes I do.

~Denise
BlogHer Community Manager
Life. Flow. Fluctuate.

I need MY man. My husband. Is that still old-fashioned to say? He is my partner. The person I chose to be at my side and together, we face the world. To all of my sisters out there who have been hurt by their partners, and to all of those marriages that didn't work out, I'm very sorry. But I'm also tired of being made to feel like I'm weak for acknowledging how much more I am with my partner. He helps me to be the person I want to be, he tempers my anger and helps me see the beauty in simple things. He's the only one I can count on to always be on my side.

Why does needing your man make you a timid, downtrodden, disrespected mouse of a woman? We need to look at it differently. Making a relationship a success over time takes a lot of work, courage, fortitude, and faith. I think if you're succeeding at it, that just empowers you more.

Delaine, great article. I couldn't agree more.

Solidarity.

--Kristina

www.OnBlank.com ( http://www.OnBlank.com )

Hi there, just wanted to say thank you for clearing up this often overused statement. I do think when we say it what we really mean is "I don't need a man IF, he is going to lie or break my heart. I don't need a man IF he isn't going to bring something to the relationship. I don't need a man IF I have to take care of him, or I don't need a man IF all he wants from me is sex...I could go on but I think these examples help explain the phrase." Or like you so aptly said "my heart is closed right now". All of this better explains those words.

Well said Delaine!

Rhonda E. Frost

Author

"Why Do I Have to Think Like a Man? How to Think Like a Lady and Still the Man"

No doubt we have come a long way since 'the day.' And I admit that when I've said "I don't need a man" a part of me also imagined my foremothers smiling down on me.

I think the danger lies in the emotion behind the words - and it is up to every woman to decide if she's being authentic with herself with those feelings.

Language is extremely powerful - what we say out loud, in our heads, and in print. Are we paying attention to how this statement resonates within our bodies? I'd say for many, the answer is no.

As for the follow up statement of "I want a man" - I've heard that many times before too, usually trailing the former statement. The question is, which do we say more often? Does one negate the other?

No one wants to be 'needy.' I'm the number one culprit for deciding to do and be everything on my own since divorcing: I'm Ms Independant. And yes, I suppose in terms of lingustics, I don't 'need' a man in the same way I need food or shelter.

But it's sustenence and nourishment for our hearts and souls. Do we have to me embarassed for that?

So now, I imagine sitting across from a man...one who says, "I don't need a woman," followed by, "I want a woman." Maybe it's just me, but something beautiful got lost in those statements. Like something was stolen from me - I feel knocked down a few notches.

The great thing is, most men don't go around saying, "I don't need/want a woman." I dare say it'll be a sad day if that ever happens.

I have said "I don't need a man" but never in the context that would imply I don't need love. I have spoken of not needing a man to highlight the differences between now and when my grandmother needed a man so she would not be shunned by society, to have the family she wanted, to have financial security. There were far fewer options for women back in the day and I think it is a celebration of how far we have come to say "I don't need a man."

However, I say every day "I want a man." I want a deep, committed relationship with someone who loves and respects me. I just thank all the women who have gone before me who have made it possible that I don't also "need" one.

Debra Kreps

http://debrakreps.com