I'm going to tell you a truth about life, and in order to do that, I'm putting my revelation in context with the comedy of Russell Peters and his commentary about our racist world. In the piece, Peters draws laughter pointing out a snippet of reality we've probably observed, and he begins it telling white people how much he admires them.

White people, my white American friends, I'm here to tell you something. I like you. And I'm not just saying that, you know, to say it. I'm telling you for a reason because I think white people have done some major things in the past 30 years. They've really taken some strides. And I feel bad for them, you know, because all the nonwhite people in the world have them convinced that they're racist. We have them so scared to notice anything of color that they're afraid to describe things accurately now. (Russell Peters at YouTube)

Peters goes on to tell about a situation in which a white male would not acknowledge or describe a black man as black because he feared that would make him seem racist. You know why the white guy did this. He'd swallowed that idea that only racist people notice color and the nonracist folk are colorblind.

If you watch Peters, you'll know that he's not saying there are no racist white people. He's making a comment on political correctness when it comes to racism and does a brand of comedy that some political correctness fans would probably like banned. Peters is not afraid to deal with sterotypes, a vertebra in the backbone of comedy.

I looked for an excuse to mention Peters, perhaps. Nevertheless, his observation is a good segue to a similar phenomena I observed while watching a touching and educational documentary Caring for Your Parents on New Orleans' Public Broadcasting Station, WYES, this week. Here's the first instance:

... much more important than money, and the data show, that the single most important variable to never spending anytime in a nursing home is having a daughter. And that is not a sexist comment, I want to make that clear. It's based on the data and having a daughter is the most powerful predictor of not spending time in a nursing home. (Dr. John B. Murphy, emphasis added by author)

And again, this time a woman, Dr. Cora Christian, speaks during a roundtable following the documentary:

I know this may sound very sexist, but I think often if you look at the statistics and definitely in my culture, the women are the caregivers. The women are there for both father and mother. The women have to share much more of this burden. They'll run from their jobs much more quickly and try and feed mom and dad and come back and take care of it, but then when it comes to dividing the assets, if there are any, you then start to see equality. All of a sudden the men are involved. And I'm going to get in deep trouble on this program, but I think often that happens. That's the reality of what I see. (applause) ... (Dr. Cora Christian, Founder, Virgin Islands Medical Institute, emphasis again added by author)

The audience immediately applauded her stating the obvious, and you know, we could have an entire post just on that last part of her comment about dividing assets and dealing with men, but let's not go there today.

I suppose as the white people in Peters' piece don't want to offiend people of color, Dr. Murphy feared he may offend women and probably some men, and Dr. Christian feared she could offend both genders as well. They had to make it clear they were speaking based on facts not casual observation.

That's what people do when they don't want to lose credibility these days. They state the obvious like "The sky appears blue on sunny days." And then they get some data to back that up. Oh, look, here's a nifty link, Why is the sky blue?

Just so no one will call me sexist (they could since I titled this post "I don't want to sound sexist, but ...) I'll throw in a link to show that I know that there are women, good daughters, who painfully struggle with placing their parents in a facility because they wisely accept that they cannot be primary caregivers, I read a moving post called "Mommy" at Mia's Saving Grace in which the blogger deals with these feelings, and I know I relate to what she's said.

Now I'll point out that I also know there are men men who take care of and have taken care of elderly parents such as in this true story by the poet Aberjhani about his caring for his mother. But even his story suggests that a man taking care of an elderly parent is not an ordinary occurence.

He stared at me as if his were the eyes that adorned the Sphinx and his gaze yet scanning eons and witnessing the dubious doings of men and women. I didn’t notice when he curled one hand into a knotted fist and raised it but I did notice when he struck, not at all lightly, my shoulder, chest, arms and stomach. He continued striking me as he continued speaking:

“I know you got girls in that house,” referring this time to my very adult sisters, “but I wanted to talk to a boy! You know why? ‘Cause God told me to give black boys strength! That’s what I said, you ain’t nothin’ but a boy to me. How old is you? 20? 30?”

“I’m 38 sir.”

“You know how old I am? I’m more than one hundred years old! Look at my eyes boy! You see how I’m cryin’?! I’m cryin’ cause I done the same thing you doin’ right now: I took care’a my mama in her later years and God, He blessed me for it. Yes He did. He blessed me with my own house, with my son and with a woman who love me right now.”

At that point he smiled, but the tears remained on his face and I was mesmerized watching his features leap back and forth between sadness and joy, the bittersweetness of hard and good times remembered. The accumulated emotions of a hundred-plus African-American man standing on my porch beating strength into my more-than-weary soul. (This Mother's Son by Aberjhani)

The old man in Aberjhani's piece acknowledges that it takes inner strength to be the caregiver for one's parents, a duty usually deemed women's work. That gentleman may see that, but many employers don't, at least not in anyway that honors such work. The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission had to develop special rules that allow caregivers, both of young children and of the elderly, to sue for discrimination in the workplace because taking off time to tend to family is not respected in the workplace. I doubt "women's work" in general is respected in corporate America, which is why terms like mommy-tracked have become part of our language.

While introducing its policy, the EEOC acknowledges the data of which Drs. Murphy and Christian spoke:

... As with childcare, women are primarily responsible for caring for society’s elderly, including care of parents, in-laws, and spouses. Unlike childcare, however, eldercare responsibilities generally increase over time as the person cared for ages, and eldercare can be much less predictable than childcare because of health crises that typically arise. As eldercare becomes more common, workers in the “sandwich generation,” those between the ages of 30 and 60, are more likely to face work responsibilities alongside both childcare and eldercare responsibilities. ... ... Women of color also may devote more time to caring for extended
family members, including both grandchildren and elderly relatives,
than do their White counterparts. ... Although women are still responsible for a disproportionate share of family caregiving, men’s role has increased. Between 1965 and 2003, the amount of time that men spent on childcare nearly tripled, and men spent more than twice as long performing household chores in 2003 as they did in 1965. Working mothers are also increasingly relying on fathers as primary childcare providers. (EEOC)

Hooray! for that last bit about men. (I guess the EEOC didn't want to sound sexist either.)

I am one of those women about whom the doctors and the EEOC speak. Four months ago my parents moved in with me, my adult daughter, my son, dog, and cat. However, as Contributing Newsweek Editor Jane Bryant Quinn, a roundtable panelist, acknowledged that she, though female, was not the primary caregiver for her parents, that her brother cared for them, I must acknowledge that following Katrina and until they came to my home, my parents lived with my brother and his wife. Much of the work fell to his wife, I think, which in no way means my brother was not a caregiver. (Quinn suggested that caregivers be paid, btw.)

My brother and sister-in-law were newlyweds when our parents moved into their home. Newlyweds. He risked his marriage whether he knows it or not, and I suspect he does. Indeed, the documentary included the profile of a man, Ricardo, whose marriage fell apart after his dementia-stricken mother moved in. My mother has this illness, and my father, an 86-year-old, spindly diabetic, is the quintessential grumpy old man. (Okay. He's allowed to be at his age.)

When I, the daughter, moved back home, relatives started looking at me. They didn't say, "Oh, your parents should live with you." What they said was, "Oh, we just thought when you moved back that your parents would be with you." And so, the southern skies sighed in relief the day my parents became my housemates. Immediately, I received calls from my aunts, "Oh," they said, "We knew you were a good daughter. You did the right thing."

Hmm. That was not the original plan, but how could I not? And as Dr. Bill Thomas, geriatrician, says in the documentary, "Nobody in our society is prepared to be a caregiver. You're suddenly plunged in."

I'm sure it's an equal opportunity plunging, especially since I have both a daugther and a son. And I'm sure that when I role model for one, I do so for both. No, I didn't move my parents in so I could prove I'm a good daughter and a good role model, but the reality is there's some modeling going on here. Our children watch how we treat our parents. I watched how my mother treated her mother. And I've no doubt that my son's vision is equal to my daughter's, and I've told him we expect his help with his grandparents. So far, he's good about that. But he's a teen and so there are other issues that make me reach for the Tylenol.

Yeah, I don't want to sound sexist, but my son's putting gray hairs on me as I type. I'm positive he's aged me faster than his sister ever did. So, he'd damned well better not hide behind his "Y" chromosome or his daily dose of American male-hierarchy-uber-macho brainwashing. He'd best woman-up for his mama in her old age and not assume his sister'll take care of it. Woman-up, son, or expect a haunting!

Side Notes, I found a good blog on discrimination in the workplace due to color and other issues at The Black Factor. And I'll probably be talking about this documentary, Caring for Your Parents again. I recommend it to anyone caring for a parent. Its counterpart is the book Caring for Your Parents by Hugh Delehanty.

Nordette Adams is a Contributing Editor for BlogHer and also blogs here.