I Had to be my Own Comic Relief This Election and I'm Still Giggling this Morning
Here are two funny stories about the last two elections. One is about yesterday and one is about four years ago and my kids and how they interpreted things.
I promise I am very careful not to offend half of you.
You do realize half of us are stupid? I am so glad it isn't you and I.
I rolled the dice yesterday knowing that I live in a community of overachievers.
I figured if I waited until the last minute to vote, all my responsible neighbors would be done already.
I parked and walked right in. Not one person ahead of me at 5:08pm. I usually early vote but I knew how heated things were. I waited until everyone’s feathers settled back down.
I outsmarted the smarties!
I voted while talking to the poll workers...slurring, AGAIN?
I live in a small enough town that I always know about half the people that work the polls and nearly everyone in line.
How can I end up having root canals on the last two election days?
Of course, I would!
I am a grinder. I grind when people are saying things I don’t agree with and then I grind all night.
I hold all of my stress in my jaw and the result…crumbling, horrible, rotten teeth.
With a country divided in half I am grinding half the time.
Then by the time Election Day comes…”emergency” root canal! ;)
I can’t bring myself to vote the morning before the root canal, as I am particularly grumpy and making the “poop face.”
Because I also tend to say awkward things when NOT in throbbing pain my fear of being trapped in a line with half the people around me being stupid and half the people around me thinking I am stupid I would have to fight the urge to whop people on the forehead.
I know they wont let me get a root canal in jail, (where I am for smacking people in the forehead and I am nearly certain that it is probably a Federal case if smacking is done in line while waiting to vote) and so I go vote AFTER I get my root canal.
Looking a bit like I just got in a fight.
Add to that my emotionless Botoxed forehead and NO ONE is going to mess with me.
I am a thinker and planner and I know you can already tell how smart I am.
Last election I announced to everyone, repeatedly, within 20 feet of me at the polling location,
“I just had a root canal. I AM NOT DRUNK.”
In retrospect, that alone probably made me appear to actually be drunk.
I’m wiser now, (and I may not care if the folks think I’m nuts since I have learned, through this election process that half of everyone I know is a moron.)
Now, when I go post-root canal to vote, I only talk to the people affiliated with the party I am NOT voting for that are handing out pamphlets.
While I listen to them telling me who to vote for I just slobber and nod my head enthusiastically and with a drunken slur say “Thank you!”
Now who’s questioning their party affiliation?
The guy scratching his head watching me turn the ignition key and not doing a darn thing about it...
Yep, the “other party” letting the drunken soccer mom drive away.
He was doubting who he was associated with. Let’s hope.
Oh, come on, its funny!!! It’s funny! If that didn't make you chuckle then a cute story from four years ago involving our three boys and their first experience voting with me is sure to make you smile.
Where is Sara Palin this election for comedic relief? I will tell you where she was four years ago…read the story below.
God help you if you knocked on our door this fall. You would be asked whom you were voting for and if you answered “wrong” they would completely be perplexed and troubled that you didn’t see it their way. Their way was that Obama was like Robin Hood and taking from the rich to give to the poor. They have always been little socialists and pooled their allowance money into one piggy bank. NO ONE is ever allowed to spend any so I guess we should be very thankful that they are savers. Even Peter, at four, was counting campaign signs daily to try and figure out who was going to win, (pretty remarkable when his “sight words” began to include Obama and McCain.”)
When the day came for me to go and vote, (early and happily without a line) I wanted to take all three boys to experience it. After many speeches on how to act the boys still couldn’t help themselves and tried to peek and see who the person next to them was voting for.
Thank heaven most were neighbors and found the boys funny. When leaving with their “I Voted Today!” stickers proudly on their shirts we noticed a friend of ours was in the parking lot of the polling station with a sign, chair and pamphlets.
I stopped to say hello and then began walking with the boys towards our car.
Avery asked why she was standing there with a sign.
I told him that her father was running for an office and she was campaigning for him and asking people for their vote.
Avery, (very excited) asked, “You mean to tell me that she is John McCain’s daughter?”
Before I had a chance to reply Mitchell chimed in, “Nooooo Avery! Sarah Palin is John McCain’s daughter!”