I hate my mother (but I forgive her)
By wsidam on April 10, 2012
When a mother abuses her power the consequences can be devastating. Some people never get over the impact that their mother had on them. They are consumed by mother hate.
A mother can devastate us with a word, a look, or even an inferred comment and a sigh. She can provoke guilt by the subtle use of her power because she knows which buttons to press.
Some bad memories I cannot get out of my head, despite trying to bury them - such as my mother shouting at me because I had wet the bed aged 8, her smashing the window when my dad locked her out of the house after an alcoholic binge and also when she made me cry at my engagement party. It's for times such as these that I have thought 'I hate my mother'.
I moved away as soon as I was old enough and tried to forget about the past, and for a long time I succeeded. And then I found out she had died, but knew nothing about it.
My whole world fell apart. And I fell apart with it! Eaten up with bitterness and anger, and sadness at all the wasted years we had not spoken.
Oh, yes, I knew all the 'right' things to say and to do and all the cliches in the world kept going round in my head, but deep inside, I was hurting like hell, and I hated mother - the woman who had given birth to me.
After more wasted time wallowing in self pity I realised that nothing was going to bring her back, it was out of my control. The only thing I could do was to control by own behaviour and reaction to other people.
None of it was not going to stop the pain of betrayal I felt from my mother. Not instantly, at any rate. But I now know that whatever anyone does to me, I am free to decide for myself how I want to respond. And knowing that gives me power, rather than giving that power to someone who has hurt me - the power to dictate my behaviour.
The stress induced by these emotions is, without doubt, harmful to our health. Un-forgiveness can be likened to a cup of poison. However, it's not drunk by the person who is unrepentantly in the wrong, but by the person who has been wronged, and is holding onto that hatred.
Forgiveness is not weakness - On the contrary, the art of forgiveness gives you power.
Forgiveness does not condone wrong-doing or remove the consequences of wrong-doing.
Forgiveness heals you.
I know what you're thinking - yes, that sounds great, but why the hell should I forgive her? Don't you realised what she has done to me, she's ruined my life and she doesn't even care!
Hate puts unnecessary stress on your body. It is a well-known fact, proven by numerous studies, that bitterness and hate can actually make you sick. A great number of people in the world don't really belong in a hospital, because the root of their problem is not physical but is mental. The moment they forgive and let go of their hate they will start to get well.
Forgiveness releases you from the burden of bitterness and hate. It takes enormous energy to hate and to keep that hate in place. Forgiveness brings freedom whereas revenge is neither sweet nor gratifying, its just a hollow feeling.
Get rid of the hate. Set yourself free.
An online support group for those having Mother troubles - toxic mothers, elderly parents, Mother-in-Law issues, grandparent woes.
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