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It was a good 5 minutes or so before I realized that the reason the grilled cheese sandwich wasn't cooking was because I never turned on the burner. Usually it's the other way around -- I turn it up high to heat it up fast, then burn the damn thing because I am flitting around the kitchen to one distraction or another: put milk in sippies, Cheerios for baby, put away 3, no make that 4 dishes, why are there crumbs all over the counter, where are the paper towels, don't throw the grapes on the floor, OH CRAP THE GRILLED CHEESE IS BURNING!
Kinda like that.
And then of course, I tweeted that my grilled cheese would never cook if I didn't turn on the stove, to which one of my favorite bloggers answered: "Honestly, if motherhood came with a grilled cheese prerequisite, I'd have no kids."
That made me snort laugh.
But then I realized that there are a LOT of prerequisites that I was missing in pursuit of this so called degree in motherhood. Let's take a look at the course catalog:
- Diapering 101: I had only changed one, count 'em ONE diaper before I had my own kids. Let me tell you, once you learn to change tiny diapers on even tinier 3 pound babies, surrounded by wires, leads, and feeding tubes, you can change diapers on ANYTHING.
- Baby Common Sense 302: The mom-stincts were not strong with this one. I knew nothing about babies. Plus infant twins put you in a bit of a haze for the first few months. How much do they need to sleep? Why are they crying? Are they cold? Hot? Wet? Trying to kill me?
- How to Entertain an Infant 307: Seriously, if they weren't sleeping or eating, I didn't know what the hell I was supposed to do with them. Rainforest activity mat? Yay! Swing? No? Bouncy? Yay! Wait, no bouncy? Eat your sister's face? Uh...yay?
- Breastfeeding 104: This should be a degree unto itself. I know so many women struggle with breast feeding one baby that is full term. I'm not here to be all "I had it so much harder!" It's all relative. I knew I wanted to breast feed, but since I was on bed rest, I missed my class on breast feeding multiples. Then I ended up with two preemies who weren't born with the reflex to suck, swallow, and breathe all at the same time without getting seriously stressed out. So we had to teach it to them, slowly, and even after coming home it was still a struggle. I said I wanted to quit every day. But I didn't.
- Age Appropriate Milestones 203: When the 6 month questionnaire asked me if they were doing a tripod sit, I said no. Then my pediatrician sat Rachel on the table and positioned her into a perfect tripod sit. They also asked if I put beads or Cheerios in a bottle, did my baby try to get them out? Um, sorry, but I must have missed the list of assignments. Did they give me a syllabus when I left the hospital?
- Toddler Hair Styles 102: Rachel and Claire have perfect ringlet curls. Except the days when they are not so perfect. If it's not a ponytail or piggies, I'm at a loss. They hate wearing barrettes. Usually it just hangs in their faces. And Claire usually has a chunk of it in her mouth.
- Making Fabulous Kid Foods 303: I made a lot of baby food, to which I credit the fact the the girls would eat just about anything I gave them. But as they got older, I got pregnant, they got pickier, I got lazy, and I gave them stuff I knew they would eat just so they would. We still give them what we eat usually, along with something they like, but sometimes they go to bed on applesauce and milk. And Zoe? Won't eat hardly a darned thing, to which I credit the fact that I did not make ANY of her baby food.
See? Messy hair AND eating a mish mash of random foods.
So there we have it. Courses I never took, but I still got my degree.
Because doesn't every mom BS their way through motherhood just a little bit?
Leigh Ann blogs at The Twin Spin, where she writes
