I Have To Repeat-Say What? I Have To Repeat

I am a writer.  I write so I can get things out of my head because sometimes it just gets crowded in there.  I write so my heart doesn't feel so full of everything.  A lot of the things I am doing right now to turn my negative thoughts around are from techniques I have been taught over the years.  They help, but I never stick with them.  So I am going to give it the good ol' college try for the next year. 

it is six days into the New Year and it feels like I have been trying for weeks to keep positive.  I heard something on K-Love the other day.  They issued a 30 day challenge to listen to nothing but Christian music see how it makes you feel promising a positive change.  I thought to myself, okay.  It can't do anything to hurt the situation on becoming more positive.  I don't like listening to K-Love because they play the same thing over and over again. 

So while I flew to Seattle today, I was armed with no amazing technology except my ipod and a book.  I put my earbuds in and listened to my Christian Music Playlist.  I go to church every Sunday.  I listen to the kids practice during Praise and Worship every Tuesday.  I am surrounded by Christian music and so I listen to other things throughout the week.  I am big on NPR right now and classical music.  But when I was a captive audience of one for an hour and a half on the plane, my mind wandered as I listened to the music.

I thought about how sad I was that I text the guy two days ago whom I thought loved me two days ago and there was nothing.  So I had to turn this trainwreck around and fast.  I focused on the music.  Then I took my phone and started the writing the introduction to a sermon that I have been thinking about for two weeks now.  My mind wandered again to the negative and I forced myself back to my sermon again.  I only wrote maybe two paragraphs; that was how hard it was my mind ping-ponging back and forth to negative/positive.

I switched tactics and wrote down my positive affirmations I needed to transfer to index cards so I can carry around with me in my pocket.  Sounds weird I know, but for me it works.  I have these sentences which only have one sentence per card that is a positive thought that combats a frequent negative thought I have.  Example:  Negative thought-I am completely and utterly alone in this world.  Positve thought-You are not alone.  God is always with you.  Negative thought-No one wants me.  Positive thought-You deserve only the best that God has for you in a person.

Just writing these down right now is hard for me because I sometimes don't believe them.  But I write them down nonetheless and I have to pull them out every single time a negative thought comes my way.  I have to read each and every card right at the moment I have a negative thought.  They aren't many because I try to keep them to about 10 cards at a time.  Let me tell you it was hard to come up with some of these affirmations on the plane.  I plugged away though and came up with about 10. 

Do you know it took me the whole time I was on the plane?  Then I started really focussing on the words of the songs I was listening to.  I was moved.  I wrote down the lyrics that spoke to me the most.  But do you see what I am saying?  It took me an hour and a half to come up with 10 positive thoughts, positive lyrics, etc. because right now my mind is at war with itself. 

It is so hard, but in the end I had a good day overall.  One day the back and forth will stop in my head-I hope.  Through prayer, positive affirmations, Christian music, devotions, etc. I will get this positive thing.  If I have to I will continuously repeat myself over and over again until I believe them.  My best positive thought for today:  I was able to fit in my white pants!  Woo hoo!


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