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Sparkle (0)
Sunday, February 6, 2011
(Mom, Shannon, me at Thanksgiving 2009)
It has been one of those days.One of those days.
One of those days where I have wanted to be alone.
To be able to do what I want, when I want, or don't want.
My choices are to either hide in my bedroom all day, or face my reality of mom. I can't. I need a break. I just need a break. Not even a full 24 hours, just a few hours alone. A time to sit and read a photography magazine. Time to go down to the marina and take some photos working on my exposure compensation assignment. Time to myself to do a few things I need and want to do. To enjoy the day.
Instead I am here. Hiding in the darkness of my room. Mom is sitting outside my door in the great room waiting. Her day consists of opening my door and flipping on the light while yelling loudly "Mari". I don't know why she must shock me with the light going on, or what she must yell my name. She wants to know when I will be coming out of the room. I'm not coming out. I wish I could tell her I am never coming out. Ever.
I want to be alone. I simply, for the sake of my sanity, need time alone. Is this too much to ask? An afternoon to come and go as I please. An afternoon to sit and read by the fire with no interruptions and no bothersome questions. I'm not the happy caretaker today. Today I am the one in need of care taking. I am in need of someone to take care of mom so I can have a day off.
Day off? When one is a 24/7 caretaker, one does not get a day off. The thought of it is almost laughable. Most of the time I do fine with all this care taking stuff. Today I am not. I am feeling trapped. I am feeling isolated. I am feeling completely alone. I feel as if there is a raven circling over me. I don't like it when my mood gets this dark, which thankfully doesn't happen very often, but when it does come it is dark and I need to be alone. On days like this I wish I could go book myself into the Westin.
What I want and what I can do are far different. I can't leave. I can't go hang out at a spa for the sat and rejuvenate myself. What I can do is snuggle down in my bedroom, cover pulled up to my chin, photography magazines ready to be read. I can cringe every time I hear mom's hand on the door handle ready to walk into the room in search of me, and ten I can hunker back down once she turns to exit the room.
Being a caretaker of a parent isn't easy. It's not a rosy time in life. It's hard to give up my life in order to care for my mom's. I do it. Most days I do it gracefully. Most days I even do it with a sense of grace, or at least I like to think I do.
Today was not such a day. Today was one of the hard days when I feel trapped. I feel like I have no one to call on for help. I feel alone.
I hope tomorrow is a better day.
Marileigh
