I love you, but I can’t STAND to be around your kids

Absolutely. Raising a much younger autistic cousin because his parents couldn't cope and gave him 4 days a week to your parents counts. Anyone with a significant sibling age gap knows a lot about parenting already. Look at the Duggar kids!

and ignore those who insist you'll change your tune when you have kids. i can't stand when people say this, because seriously? how DARE they? not having pushed a child out of your own body doesn't mean you don't know how to rear a child...how do they know whether you have any experience in the matter?

they don't, but they've taken it upon themselves to assume you don't know anything about it, and therefore you just "can't" understand.

argh. that's all i'll say about it.

I can honestly relate. My very BEST friend had a baby before me. Her son was so cute and fun when he was an infant and I admired her Mommy skills. I loved to babysit him, and would think to myself: "I hope my future children are as cute/well-behaved. Lately however she has become depressed and her parenting style has changed a lot. Combine that with his terrible twos and threes and I no longer really like him. She lets him do things that astound me, and then has these long, drawn-out discussions with him about other misbehavior that he doesn't understand. He screams and bullies. I feel so guilty about not wanting to see him anymore, I hope things change again.

Now that I have a baby of my own, and she and I are still close, I worry about the influence her son might have on mine as they grow up.

http://thisdisorganizedlife.blogspot.com/

You are not alone! You don't have to be a non-parent to not like friends' kids. Like outcast says, they are at an age where they can be hard to like! But it will change. And if she is really a good friend, try to talk to her about it before saying goodbye to the friendship. So many friendships end unecessarily when one has children and the other does not. When friends are truly committed to the friendship, they can find ways stay close even when kids come on the scene.

Laura
Families of Two
http://lauracarroll.com

Parents parent differently when people are watching. For example, I have a four year-old who is really, the cutest four year-old around. He is, however, four. Which means he can throw some pretty over-the-top tantrums. It is age appropriate. And It's a behavior I am willing to risk bringing on when I don't have company over.

But when there are people at my house and the child is misbehaving, I am hesitant to put him in his room or punish him because I don't want to subject my guests to the inevitable twenty minutes of ear-piercing shrieks. So I am more permissive. That's just one example.

All mothers are mindful of the thoughts of their childless and judgemental friends
because we were all childless at one point. Sometimes they are amusing, and sometimes they are hurtful. Until you are a mother you honestly have no clue. Unless you witness actual abuse, reserve your judgement.

Why don't you suggest a night out? Or is it more than just not wanting to be around their kids?

I used to have a lot of opinions about the way other people handled their children...until I became a parent and realized that the reality of parenting is a lot messier than I'd imagined. I cringe now thinking about how incredibly judgemental I was. I had no idea.

Still, I have a lot more fun socializing without kids. It avoids a whole minefield of potential conflict and judgements.

http://workplayeatdream.blogspot.com

Yeah... That's just the kind of situation I"m talking about here. Glad to hear I"m not alone!

Elana Paige

www.PassionsPath.com ( https://www.passionspath.com )

disclaimer: i'm NOT a mom, and i don't intend to be.

however, this doesn't mean i hate children. i just hate parents who are incapable of disciplining their children. at that age, it's not the kid's fault he or she is out of control, so i try to redirect my anger toward those who should carry the blame.

unfortunately, there are plenty of parents out there who feel it's "too hard" to control their kids. i know the kind of parents you're talking about, Elana...they don't focus on their kids enough, and to make up for it they give their kids everything they want without considering the possibility of using the word "NO." in the end, they've created little monsters who expect everything to be handed to them without any sort of repercussions.

i've learned that these parents also tend to be the same people who assume every one of their friends will love their kids no matter the child's behavior...and that's not fair to anybody. you don't have to adore, dote on, like, or even tolerate their children. good friends will understand this...those who can't are probably better left alone until their kids are more independent, assuming you choose to revisit the friendship at a later date.

if it makes you feel any better, i've had to discontinue speaking to a friend whose kids were absolute hellions. she's been...lacking...in her parenting (no bedtimes, lots of fast food, toys every time one of them cries), and complains that her kids keep her up half the night, then demands that all her friends meet at her house for social gatherings...and treats us like group babysitters. while it sucks she's turned into one of those parents, there's not much i can do about it, so i've withdrawn from the relationship. i don't need it.

It's not really your place to "regret their family."

That said, this issue only becomes heightened when and if you do have children and your parenting styles conflict.

Personally, I've chosen not to be friends with certain people because they are helicopter moms who can't stand to be two feet away from their kid at the playground long enough to have a conversation. I just couldn't stand to be around the hyper-vigilant fear.

I ended one friendship - a very, long and close one - because my child-free friend had a great deal to say about parenting and frankly, without children you don't really know what you're talking about. Theoretical ideas about childrearing are so easy when you don't have an actual person you love to apply them to. This is true for everyone, not just you.

I spent this summer with a dear friend and her family and one of her boys was going through something and being so awful that I told her she couldn't stay in my new house and ruin the experience for us. She totally got it. He's going through a phase, it's not a permanent flaw in his beingness. But, it was not fun to be around. Our friendship remains solid.

I find I enjoy hanging out with friends without our children. Because the presence of the children are a distraction and a stressor. Does your friend have to be with the children 24/7? Couldn't you have a girls night out? If not, the friendship may be over or on hold for a time.

Should you have children, my bet is that you'll see this differently.

The Girl Revolution ( http://www.thegirlrevolution.com )

I wrote about this here a month ago - there are certain solutions you can look for.
http://www.blogher.com/i-you-its-your-kid-i-cant-s...

You're right, having babies changes the whole dynamic of friendship but I dare to think you may have changed too. I'd love to hear your friend's side of the story - you might be surprised!

You're not wrong to feel how you feel, by the way. Many don't like change and feel unable to move with life's natural progressions and are better off with other childless/free friends etc. Nothing wrong with this, it's just that whole commonality/birds of a feather thing.

www.empowher.com/groups ( http://www.empowher.com/groups )

I choose to have a baby not because I ever thought that having a baby would make me a better person or a happier person.

This is a total misunderstanding of parenthood - I had a baby because I wanted to give someone life, and see that life grow and develop - no strings attached.

Children are supposed to be wild - that is their birthright - it reminds us to be a little wild as well.

Just because feelings are real does not mean they are right.

Sotah blogs about faith, feminism and the universe at http://sotah.net

Except make it family and the kids are still obnoxious little horrors at age 8 and up.

Yes toddlerhood is rough. Toddler certainly have their moments when no one, not even their parents, want to be around them. BUT that should not be the constant. Toddlers can also be fun to be around, even as a single person.

I believe some friendships are meant to die a natural death; they came into your life at a time when you needed them and die naturally when lives change. Some are meant to be forever.

You don't necessarily have to like my son to be my friend. I have plenty of friends that don't really like kids but are willing to meet me halfway in the friendship. They know I have a son who takes precedence occasionally. As long as they treat him nicely & keep their negative thoughts/attitudes to themselves, I'm okay with it.

Elizabeth

@texasebeth ( http://twitter.com/texasebeth )  and My Life, such as it is.... ( http://texasebeth.blogspot.com )

Kids change everything...lol! I do have to say before we have our own kids, we tend to measure other people's kids with a very short stick. I noticed this with my cousin. She would give me a very disdainful look when my two-year-old acted up. It's part of the age and they get tired, restless and fight naps. They tend to grow out of it by the time they are 3 1/2.

Then there are the born and raised terrors. If you need to step back from the friendship as the kids are in this phase and re-enter later, that is understandable.

Also, if she is your close friend, and the kids behavior is worsening as they get older, I think you should tackfully mention to her that their behavior makes you uncomfortable. As a Mom, that would be hard to hear but if my own friend was not warming to my kid, I would worry about how the rest of the world would treat him.

A good friend doesn't always tell us what we want to hear.

Good luck!

Heather blogs about Motherhood & Other Offensive Situations at http://www.ultimateoutcasts.com.

No one has to like anyone... But I think that misses the point.

It's not that I "disapprove" of the kids. Approval has nothing to do with it, really. Their behavior makes being around the family pretty much impossible for me. I can't even think in the ruckus.

So this is just a subjective accounting of my personal experience with a friendship that's pretty much died. I guess friendships do that. I just didn't expect the children to be such a catalyst for redefining our relationship in "that" way.

And I'm feeling sad about the loss of the friendship we had.

Honestly, I think Charlene feels this, too. Though you're likely right that she wouldn't want me in her life if she knows I feel this way about being around her kids. I'm pretty much not in her life anyway. It's a choice. Not a happy one, but clearly inevitable....

Elana Paige

www.PassionsPath.com ( https://www.passionspath.com )

Honestly, if one of my "best" friends felt that way about my children, whether they were obnoxious or not, I wouldn't want that person in my kids' lives -- or my own. As an aside, even strict parents have obnoxious toddlers. It's a rough phase, especially that transition from three to four when they attempt to argue with their version of logic.

My children will have enough people their own age in their lives who don't like them for whatever reason -- they don't have the name brand jeans, they're smart, they like x-music genre when y is the popular one right now, etc. They will have to fight their own battles with those issues. I certainly don't need to allow adults in their lives who think poorly of them.

I'm sorry you don't approve of your friends' children, but families are a package deal. You're free to think what you want, but your friend doesn't have to like how you feel either.

Contributing Editor Jenna Hatfield (@FireMom ( http://twitter.com/FireMom )) blogs at Stop, Drop and Blog ( http://stopdropandblog.com ) and The Chronicles of Munchkin Land ( http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com ). She is a freelance writer and newspaper photographer.