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Is there anything worse than the unvoiced but clearly visible tension between two people who are supposedly friends—but for some reason aren’t really, not anymore? Maybe the experience of feeling angry and resentful toward a so-called friend, but not feeling comfortable expressing how hurt you feel? Or the worry that a slight or oversight someone made was actually deliberate, malicious, clearly intended?
It would be great to say that all friendships, like all relationships, run smoothly all the time, but that isn’t the case. As we all know, conflicts happen, and one of the things that can indicate the tenor and quality of a relationship is how the people share and acknowledge their conflicts and then work their differences out.
But, hey, sometimes that doesn’t happen. What do you do about the friend in your social circle that you know is simmering mad at you under the surface? Or the one you had a conflict with where the heart to heart talk just didn’t seem to work things out? Or the person who crosses you repeatedly, behaving in ways you just can’t accept—but it feels too subtle to call him(or her) out?
Welcome to my world. Right now I have a couple of these going on, and when I stop and think about them, they're tearing bits of my heart out. One is with a friend who other people have considered difficult, but I’ve stayed on this person’s good side for a long time—this summer, things started to sour. The other is with a less close friend who has a history of being inconsiderate of other people, but I feel hurt by her inconsiderateness of me, anyway—and worried, since she is friends with the first person, that maybe her current slights are deliberate.
Don’t you hate this stuff? Doesn’t it sound so fourth grade and stupid?
But if that’s the case, why aren’t I doing a better job of fixing things (instead of writing my feelings out in this blog post?) A suggested I talk to my friends and tell them that we’ve done too much together in the community to let personal issues get in the way (a true activist’s perspective, eh?). I know that’s a good idea, but I’m hesitating…maybe if I close my eyes and ignore it, it will all go away?
I’m not expecting anyone reading this post to fix my problem for me, but I do wonder how you handle people you’re connected to when you have this kind of unstated, but very real conflict.
Here’s what I am planning to do:
- Think about the outcomes I want: Do I want to be close personal friends with these folks again? Colleagues in a broader community? Strangers or hostile enemies? My behavior should be dictated by the outcome I am seeking.
- In these cases, I want us to be colleagues in a broader community, since I can’t control their angry feelings, so I am going to do the following:
- Talk about what I’d like and what went down with the people in question, one by one
- Behave in a way that supports the goal I want to work today (ie being colleagues)
- Be watchful of how that plays out; if there is more hostility, or if I feel marginalized, regroup and consider next steps
Remember, unless you are in a hierarchical work situation, people have power over you because you give it to them.
Here are some related links and posts from around the blogosphere to take note of:
The State that I am in: This
"He's fast asleep next to me. I can tell he's sleeping by the way his breathing becomes slow and steady, which is a sound I've come to be pleasantly familiar with in the past five days. He came to my dodge ball game tonight and I played my heart out but still sucked despite my best efforts. I had on tiny terri-cloth shorts and black socks that went over my knees so that I'd look cute, but I wore my sweat soaked t-shirt with pride. We came home and watched my favorite British television show on the Internet, an ear-pod in each our ears, our foreheads touching. We have inside jokes and a routine, and it makes me happy when I make him laugh. I'm going to miss him.
The Ray: Bosom Buddies
“Last year we weren't in each other's faces all the time so we didn't have an opportunity to fight. When we came home on breaks and
