I put a spell on you: when friendships falter and fail, and what (not) to do

Is there anything worse than the unvoiced but clearly visible tension between two people who are supposedly friends—but for some reason aren’t really, not anymore? Maybe the experience of feeling angry and resentful toward a so-called friend, but not feeling comfortable expressing how hurt you feel? Or the worry that a slight or oversight someone made was actually deliberate, malicious, clearly intended?

It would be great to say that all friendships, like all relationships, run smoothly all the time, but that isn’t the case. As we all know, conflicts happen, and one of the things that can indicate the tenor and quality of a relationship is how the people share and acknowledge their conflicts and then work their differences out.

But, hey, sometimes that doesn’t happen. What do you do about the friend in your social circle that you know is simmering mad at you under the surface? Or the one you had a conflict with where the heart to heart talk just didn’t seem to work things out? Or the person who crosses you repeatedly, behaving in ways you just can’t accept—but it feels too subtle to call him(or her) out?

Welcome to my world. Right now I have a couple of these going on, and when I stop and think about them, they're tearing bits of my heart out. One is with a friend who other people have considered difficult, but I’ve stayed on this person’s good side for a long time—this summer, things started to sour. The other is with a less close friend who has a history of being inconsiderate of other people, but I feel hurt by her inconsiderateness of me, anyway—and worried, since she is friends with the first person, that maybe her current slights are deliberate.

Don’t you hate this stuff? Doesn’t it sound so fourth grade and stupid?

But if that’s the case, why aren’t I doing a better job of fixing things (instead of writing my feelings out in this blog post?) A suggested I talk to my friends and tell them that we’ve done too much together in the community to let personal issues get in the way (a true activist’s perspective, eh?). I know that’s a good idea, but I’m hesitating…maybe if I close my eyes and ignore it, it will all go away?

I’m not expecting anyone reading this post to fix my problem for me, but I do wonder how you handle people you’re connected to when you have this kind of unstated, but very real conflict.

Here’s what I am planning to do:

Think about the outcomes I want: Do I want to be close personal friends with these folks again? Colleagues in a broader community? Strangers or hostile enemies? My behavior should be dictated by the outcome I am seeking.
In these cases, I want us to be colleagues in a broader community, since I can’t control their angry feelings, so I am going to do the following:
Talk about what I’d like and what went down with the people in question, one by one
Behave in a way that supports the goal I want to work today (ie being colleagues)
Be watchful of how that plays out; if there is more hostility, or if I feel marginalized, regroup and consider next steps

Remember, unless you are in a hierarchical work situation, people have power over you because you give it to them.

Here are some related links and posts from around the blogosphere to take note of:

The State that I am in: This
"He's fast asleep next to me. I can tell he's sleeping by the way his breathing becomes slow and steady, which is a sound I've come to be pleasantly familiar with in the past five days. He came to my dodge ball game tonight and I played my heart out but still sucked despite my best efforts. I had on tiny terri-cloth shorts and black socks that went over my knees so that I'd look cute, but I wore my sweat soaked t-shirt with pride. We came home and watched my favorite British television show on the Internet, an ear-pod in each our ears, our foreheads touching. We have inside jokes and a routine, and it makes me happy when I make him laugh. I'm going to miss him.

The Ray: Bosom Buddies
“Last year we weren't in each other's faces all the time so we didn't have an opportunity to fight. When we came home on breaks and things, we were in each other's faces, so when we did fight we had the opportunity to deal with it like we used to.

But I'm sick and tired of being treated like this, and I can't imagine how her friends at college deal with it. She is so freakin stubborn it's not even funny. She needs a wake up call. And the only way I know how to wake her up is to not deal with her immaturity anymore. So if she wants to repair this friendship of 13 sumodd years, she should apologize for her actions. “

The New New Plan”: Defriended on MySpace
“It pains me that there are so many people to whom I was so close who are no longer in my life. X, I can deal with. I loved him. I miss him. I wish we were still friends, since we’d been friends for years. The reason we’re no longer friends is so stupid (and so completely his fault [though I am certain in his head and his crowd, I am the villain]). Still, I know what happened and I can deal with it. “

Submitted by susan mernit (view blog

) on Mon, 11/24/2008 - 11:09am

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There seems to be a lot of this going around

I wish you the best of luck with your situation - I had a similar one about a year ago. The woman in question and I have nothing to do with each other any longer. It was just impossible for me to keep the status quo and as soon as I stopped putting up with the behavior, she no longer had room for me in her life. That was ok with me - I didn't bother with the "heart to heart" as the desired result was her removal from my life. It's sad, but sometimes people aren't supposed to be in one another's lives forever. What's the old saying? A reason, a season or a lifetime?
Christine
It's My World. Welcome To It.
Blog: http://www.colormepink.com
Homeschool Blog: http://web.mac.com/colormepink/
Jewelry Blog: http://www.starbrightjewels.com/blog

Submitted by Colormepink on Mon, 11/24/2008 - 13:11

Friend tension can be such

Friend tension can be such a tough situation. Especially in a circle of friends. When I start to notice tension, I first ask myself how important this particular friendship is to me, and how will a bad outcome affect the rest of our social circle. If it's one of my best friends who is angry with me, I will ask what's going on and how do we fix it. If it's someone who is part of my social circle who is mad at me, but not someone who is one of my dearest friends, I'm more likely to just ignore it and try to act as if nothing is wrong until they come to me. And the same goes for if I'm mad at one of my friends. It's all relative to how dear the person is to me. I usually try to ask myself if whatever I'm mad about it worth losing a friendship over.

Unfortunately, sometimes you just have to let go of friendships. Good luck.

Zoe

Submitted by no_I_am_zoe on Mon, 11/24/2008 - 14:33

I sometimes think I'm completely socially
inept.

It's usually me that does the inconsiderate, obliviously and unintentionally. I have stuck my foot in it on more than one occasion.

So when there's tension between me and my friends, I'll always be the first to ask if something's wrong - if I've somehow offended them. Cos really, I need to know. If they don't want to tell me, that's fine - but I refuse to waste any more emotional energy trying to figure it out.

If I'm the one feeling let down or offended, it's a different story. I'm happy to forgive and forget, but it often changes the tone of the friendship. I have one friend who I am happy to help out in her frequent scrapes. But I don't call her when I need help - I've learnt I just can't trust her to be there for me. And that's cool, now I know it. But it was a hard lesson to learn.

Maybe you're just now finding the boundaries of these friendships?

Submitted by kazari on Mon, 11/24/2008 - 16:26

Take the drama out of it

For a long time these situations gave me agony.
There was no way I could solve it.
Now that I've learnt that I can choose an outcome like you do, all those things take up a lot less headspace in my life.

Looking at the outcome you want to achieve is a great way to get emotionally detached while looking for solutions because emotions have never been a good guide for me.

And I too have learnt that people come and go in your life and that at some point the energy you put in is just not worth the return.

That sounded a bit harsh and callous at first, but it is my life and it is my energy and I am no longer prepared to waste it on people who play funny games.

And if people don't like this attitude, then that is for them to deal with too.
What outcome do they want from relating to me?

At first all this sounded so unfriendly, but it definitely has freed up my life from these mind games AND I am more freer to be who I choose to be too.

No more domination by that behavior.

And yes, moving on hurts sometimes but it is worth it.

Wilma Ham

www.wilmasblog.com

Submitted by Wilma Ham on Mon, 11/24/2008 - 19:05

I Think I'm Letting Go

I actually have a recent friendship that I think I'm letting go. I've been let down by her too many times, and specifically when I needed her assistance. I didn't need her as emotional support, as she always needs me, but to get my son to therapy when I had a newborn. We missed it...numerous times because we counted on her to stick to her word. I haven't returned her texts or emails. I just feel as though she doesn't have time for us and for my life as it is now, she has no understanding. And truly, I'm so emotionally drained with my own family that I can't take on her constant drama. Constant.

I don't know that this is the best way to handle it. We weren't super close, but had been friends for a long time. We're just in completely different worlds with completely different priorities. We're worlds apart.

This outcome works for me thus far. I hope you can find the answer you're looking for.

~Mia.

My blog is General Hysteria~

Submitted by MiaHysteria on Mon, 11/24/2008 - 19:05

Friendship failure

There is a school of thought that the only thing missing from any relationship is what you fail to bring to it. When I have had friendship tension I first look inwardly to see if I am at fault in any way and if there is anything I can change and I work on it. After that introspection, I try to conduct myself in a positive way so that I know I am not at fault. Sometimes that's hard and makes me feel like an idiot because it means acting like I don't notice the other person is being horrible to me. Then I let it go.

Mary@SimplyForties
http://www.simplyforties.com

Submitted by mwaters on Mon, 11/24/2008 - 19:07

I think Mary's right.

It feels good to think you've done your best to maintain a relationship. But there has to be a line

Submitted by kazari on Mon, 11/24/2008 - 19:30

Difficult Conversations by Stone, Patton and
Heen

So the complete geek in me is coming to you with a book that can help to decipher different components of conversations (actual facts, emotional aspects, body language). You almost have to make a spreadsheet to get clear on what is really going on. (I did!) I found it helpful when I was sensing tension and the need for a discussion but still was unsure of what I felt and would want out of such a conversation. This book is great too because it prompts you to think about what could go wrong in the conversation and what the outcomes could be and determine if its worth it or not.

For those of you who like having an exercise to fall back on, this is a worthy read. It grounded me and made me feel prepared for my next unavoidable encounter with this individual because I had clearly mapped out the stakes of this relationship in my head.

Its a great book to have in your tool kit, IF, you are a geek like me and don't mind taking pains to ensure you don't end up verbally beaten-walking away with your tail between your legs.

Here's to you,

Kadie

Submitted by kadiekelly on Tue, 11/25/2008 - 00:05

i finally just had to say NO.

And it felt good. I was tired of the nonsense. the drama. And i had obviously moved past it and they hadn't. My life has taken a dramatically different more simple turn. As years move on they don't bother with keeping in touch. Unless its something fun they think they'll miss out on and finally one day i just said NO. no and it was like a release of somesort. I finally realized i would not demean myself and my time was too important to me to worry about it all. And it just stopped. But i had to stop it. Not them. If you leave it up to them it will continue on and on and on. a1q5DE3

Though i'm sorry to say i can't say how or why- to help you in your struggle. Just realize that when you finally do it (whatever IT is) for yourself you just become a bit lighter. And that struggle doesn't bring you down any longer.

I just re-hooked up in some ways like with facebook. and the same stuff is still there. Still going on. But now i see it for what its worth. And just ignore.

jojo

www.goodnessgraciousacres.com

twitter: goodnesgracious

Submitted by jojom on Tue, 11/25/2008 - 08:59

I knew it was unhealthy

When my husband started complaining about how I was being pushed to the background while my friend copied everything that I did.

If I bought a new blouse she went shopping and bought one just like it. Everything I liked she took over.

I would be asked to sing for events for an organization we both belonged to but then she manipulated it so that she was the singer and I basically furnished her all the songs and equipment. Yes I felt like she was stealing my life.

I did begin to feel resentment and I didn't know how to get out of the relationship gracefully. She called me every day and even stopped by my house on the way home from her office.
She was very sweet and EVERYBODY warmed up to
her easily. She had a nice smile and I did like her and have fun but I was feeling low self esteem and I got quiet when she was around. Faded into the background.

Mostly I was there for her when her husband got sick and after he passed away. We were very close for about two years and then I just couldn't take her anymore.

She started going out with a man who was possessive and didn't like her friends so that gave me a way to let her go.
These days she caters to her guy
and has grabbed on to somebody else's life.

It wasn't easy at first and I did mourn the loss of our friendship. In retrospect as I look at it from my perspective now I see it the way I described it above but there was a time I enjoyed our friendship.

I think I am gun shy to getting too close to someone like that again. I have lots of friends but no "best" friend. I don't think I want that again.

I agree that some people are only in our lives for a season. And I am so glad to have my life back.

Warm Regards
~ Chrysti

http://Chrystibella.com

Submitted by Chrystibella on Wed, 11/26/2008 - 00:00

I'm one of those people who keeps friends
forever

It took me a long tome to realize that some friendships aren't supposed to be forever, and that is ok. It is ok to let some friendships go when they become toxic or no longer suit your needs. It doesn't make you a bad person, sometimes you have to stick up for yourself and put yourself first.

Jodifur

http://jodifur.blogspot.com/

http://svmomblog.typepad.com/dc_metro_moms/

http://www.mamapop.com/mamapop/

Submitted by jodifur on Tue, 11/25/2008 - 17:26

You would think we could grow out of it...

I had a real "heartache" last year (or was it longer ago??) when 4 of my so called friends basically dropped me. They dropped me way before that, but I did not want to see it. There were special events that were "mine" that were never celebrated with a dinner or surprise visit, I was uninvited to events and found out elsewhere, when I my daughter left the school our kids attended I basically became invisible. I tried to connect a few times, then just let it go.

With this, I opened my life to new friends, who I just ADORE. They are diverse, independant, and like me for who I am. Sometimes I run into my "old" friends with my "new" friends, and I can see them scrunching their noses and trying to figure out what is going on. It is hilarious.

I move around, so I do not have many deep ties. I do have one friend that I have known for 10 years here, and we have stayed friends because we love each other through the good and the bad, the bitchy and the sad :).

Good luck to you!

Goddess in the Groove! Women with opinions wanted.....

Daily (almost) musings and Kaffeeklatsch...

http//:www.goddessinthegroove.blogspot.com

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Submitted by Goddess in the Groove on Tue, 11/25/2008 - 23:10

Friend Dating

I've only been married a couple of years and I'm learning that just as I draw much of my relational experience for issues with my husbands from past circumstances with friends that lessons can also be drawn from our marriages. Now of course there will still be lines and what not, but it wasn't until I was married that I really learned to verbalize forgiveness either receiving it or asking for it because we never did that in my family and I find that friends need to hear and be given the opportunity to forgive just as much as spouses do.

Court http://kaiyaslaughterheals.blogspot.com/

Submitted by court_n2000 on Wed, 11/26/2008 - 14:37