I survived a shiner on my 'giner and you can, too

Liberal amounts of ibuprofen are good.  When I say liberal, I mean eight follow the directions for taking a higher dosage on the bottle.  Remember, I'm not a doctor.  I'm also not a great patient. 

If you have lacerations (cuts) from your private battle with a wheel or two, you need to make sure to keep it all clean, too.  If you have had a baby, you know what to do.  If you haven't, you need to get a clean squirt bottle and fill it with warm (I like hot) water.  Don't drink the water; squirt it on the swollen areas.  Use this to clean yourself each time you have to "powder your nose."  It might sting a little.  The hotter the water is, the better.  Drip for a bit.  And no wiping.  Pat dry. Gently.  Then, apply witch hazel pads. Change the witch hazel pads several times a day.  You will thank me for that tip on the witch hazel pads.  And apply more ice.

You might also want to try a sitz bath.  That's where you run a couple of inches of hot water in the bathtub, and you sits in it.

Well, I thought it was funny....

During your sitz bath as you are sitting naked in the equivalent of a small puddle,  your kid comes in and asks if you want some more water.  And if you want some toys.  And can he have some candy.  The answer to all three is no.

You do not want to sit in the sitz bath all day.  Just a few minutes.  Maybe 10.  Then, get out, gently pat dry, and get some more ice.

In case you hadn't noticed, the magic ingredient throughout is ice.  One solid day of ice.  After one full day of ice, you can wean yourself off the frozen stuff, although you may want an ice pack in the morning and at the end of the day.  You should be nearly good as new in three days. It might take a week or two for the bruising to completely subside, and you may be sore for a while, too.   And a little skittish when anyone gets a little close to your crotch. 

After this experience, you might find yourself being extremely thankful that it didn't happen in a bout where 400 strangers would stare at you as you writhed in pain and then would clap as you got up holding your vagina.  Seriously, they would clap. And hold their hands up to make a special vagina symbol.  And you would have to make the symbol back followed by a thumbs up.  I'm sure that has played out on a track out there somewhere.  Somewhere other than my mind.  If not, I want ALL the royalties when they put that in the next derby movie.

Ice, ice, baby.  Peace out.






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