I Turned 30 Without My Mom

I turned 30 today. My heart isn't heavy about it. Actually I'm happy to have an excuse for the gray hairs, a reason for having a grocery cart full of kids and the ability to tell you how to get out every stain known to man. 30 is going to be good, I can tell already.

The one thing that my heart is extremely heavy about is that I had to enter this new decade of my life without my mom. My entire family and friends celebrated with me, called me, emailed me, and bombarded me, everyone except my mom.

It's not because she's no longer in this world. Simply it's because of the choices that she's made that I can't be around or allow my kids to be around. I want to have her in my life. My heart breaks over wanting to have the mom that I grew up with, who instilled my love of crafts and creativity within me. She's the one that taught me the most important lesson in my life, "if you can't afford it, just make it."  Formal dresses for dances, Christmas decorations, bedroom decorations, anything and everything that I needed growing up that we didn't have the money for  was provided by her hands and creativity. She amazed me but that person only shows up at times now.

For years I tolerated it, turned my head and ignored it. Then I went through a time of trying to make it better, trying to solve the issues myself. Finally I asked my mom to get help and she denied the problem, still denying it to this day. I've been to counselors and friends asking, "what do I do?"  Everyone told me that I needed to walk away and I knew for once, they were right. I've always been the peacemaker in my family but making peace is only allowing her to continue to slowly kill herself. I love her too much to be a part of it. My oldest two kids ask for her and want to call her. The toddler doesn't know her.

Last year was my first birthday without her in my life but I will still angry, mad that she couldn't let go of the things she holds so tightly too. Now I'm over the anger and just sad. I'm torn apart that she can't choose her family over the addictions but understand that it's a power over her, strong than her most days.

Today all I wanted was for her to walk with me into this new season of my life, to embrace the woman that I have become and celebrate. But you can't really celebrate over a short text message and I can't call this late at night because that's when the addictions rage and control. I want her in my life but I want the old her, the one I remember. The one that taught me to be the woman that I am, the foundation of womanhood that she layed out for me.

I would give any present, even the rare time alone that I got tonight, just to have her here to celebrate with me. Just to hear her say, "you've made it and I am proud."  Tomorrow I am going to hug my girls extra hard and help them learn the foundations of womanhood that my mom taught me. I'm still holding onto the hope that she'll show up one day like the woman she used to be but stronger because of the demon's she's overcome.




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