I want

I wait in the dark watching the fan in the dim glow of the light in my room. I tense as I think I hear a sound, hoping that it is not my daughter, hoping that she is asleep. She is having trouble sleeping these days and all I want is for her to have restful sleep.  I need to wait a few more minutes before I peek in to see if she has fallen asleep. To distract my self from the worry of Emma, I start wondering what I want out of life.  These are my thoughts.

I want to see my kid’s happy and healthy adults, that when they call it’s to tell me something fantastic that has happened to them. I want my Emma to find her place in the world when she grows up and I want that place to be safe. I want to not feel guilty that because I need my space, that place will not be with me.

I want to have too much fun. So much fun that you can’t squeeze another moment in and then I want to remember it and smile. I also want to be irresponsible and reckless every once in awhile, stay up late, eat fried food and run with scissors, okay maybe forget the scissors part.

I want to give away obscene amounts of money, the kind of money that makes people gasp. And I want to give that money to people who really need it. Not the ones who try and cheat the system but the ones who don’t eat dinner so their kids can eat. The ones who cry late at night and wonder how they will make it.

I want to laugh, oh how I want to laugh, each and everyday, often.  It will be the kind of laughter where my stomach hurts and it will reach to my very soul. I want to dance and sing and then for no apparent reason, dance and sign again.  And when I do those things I won’t care what people think.

I want to travel, see new places that I have never seen. I want to say I love Paris in the spring and mean it.  I want to watch the sunset by the ocean, with a drink in my hand with the ones I love. I want to see the sunrise over the mountain as I watch the elk walk by.

I want to be able to say that I love him just as much now as when I met him.  I want the magic to be there, always. I want to know that our love is deep, romantic, passionate and maybe most of all, silly. I want to know that no matter how unlovable I am sometimes, he will still love me. I want the days that “I love” to be long, and the years that “I love” to be even longer.

I want my friends to tend to me as I tend to them. Just be cause I’m tough doesn’t mean I don’t need you. I want to be the friend you reach for in times of trouble, the friend you can count on.

I want to never suffer the pain of loss again. I want to never say goodbye.

I want when it’s all said and done as I look back on my life, I want to say; I had everything I ever wanted.


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