I Want Another Baby. He Does Not.

I found this blog from a google search. I'm curious it's now July 2011. How has this turned out? My husband and I tabled the discussion on a 2nd child several months ago. I know I want one now but he is still not sure and leaning toward no. Our last discussion made it clear he was not ready to discuss it and I told him that I wanted the answer to one question before we tabled it, "Are you ready to make it permanent either through a tubal or vasectomy?" His response was no. We haven't discussed it since. I'll be 38 next month and the clock is a tickin.

I completely understand how you feel! I too want another child, my son is 17 months old, and would love to start trying in 3 or 4 months. My husband is a lot older than I am and does not want any more children. (our son was a welcomed oops). I fell in love with my son and with being a mom! It is breaking my heart, feels like I am missing a part of my life that isn't there. And yes, everyone around me is having babies as well. We had not planned on having kids, so I am not prepared to push him into it, or have an "oops". I don't quite know how one is supposed to "get over" having these desires, it is not easy!

It is a win lose situation when a couple can not agree on something that has no compromise. I too would like to have another child but my husband says no. We have 3 boys and I have never kept it a secret that I would like a little girl and if it is a boy I will love him just the same and call it quits. He use to say maybe next year but after putting it off for so long he finally admitted after I out right asked, that he never had any intentions of giving me my long awaited baby girl. I feel wronged, hurt and resentful. I don't want to paint him as an ogre, he is a loving husband and father who feels that his family is big enough. When I ask him wouldn't he love to have a daddy's girl he says he is the only boy with three younger sisters that he had a lot of responsibility for. He feels he raised his girls, then he goes down memory lane on stories I have no wish to hear at that point in time. I have sisters too but they are not my daughters, it's not the same and I won't pretend that it is. New baby or no new baby, someone has their way and the other spouse comes to terms with it or at least attempts to for the sake of their marriage. My question is how do I say goodbye to my baby girl who I will never hold? How do I get over knowing that my husband who I love, is the only thing that stands between me and what i long for. 

I completely feel you on this one. My fiance and I have a three year old son and since our son turned one I have been wanting another child. I was an only child, and while it does have it's perks, it can also be lonely. My fiance has three sisters and he's the oldest. I begged my fiance for another child, I even wrote up and entire argument as to why we should have another one. He kept saying no. I just didn't understand why he was so content with just one. I have always imagined myself having a big family. I want 3 or 4. After much begging I finally gave up one day. Why pressure him to do something he doesn't want to do? Just recently, for about two months now fiance has changed his mind. Now he's after me for another baby. Of course I am thrilled but I am in school. We have decided to for sure have another but we will be waiting another 2-3 years. I want to be sure everything is on track before we add another child into our lives. Afterall, being a parent is lots of work (sleepless nights, feeding, changing, money). I guess what seems to work for me is the sit and wait approach. I often find that sometimes men just need some time to think and adjust to such new ideas especially if they are life changing events. Fortunately for me though I am much younger so I have time to sit and wait. I am not sure what is best for you to do but I think what matters most is that you have a husband and a child now, love them and enjoy them. If you have another then that's great, if not something better may come of it. Who knows, you may end up changing your mind and deciding that having another child is not what you want. I hope you and your husband can work it out and come to a decision that makes you both happy though. I am sorry I don't have any great words of wisdom or breath taking advice but I wanted you to know that you are not alone. Many women are out there in your shoes and understand where you are coming from.

Sincerely Yours,

Jessica Mommy to Jeremiah

I guess the husband not wanting children/more children is a common prediciment. I've looked all over online for the same answer you're searching for. It use to seem like families were bigger which would imply that men were willing participants in this baby making process, but all over the internet on boards and forms it seems like guys are saying "NO" nowadays.

I have two children whom I love, but feel our family won't be complete without a 3rd. I hear all the women saying be happy with what you have, and I am happy. They are my sunshine. I'm just not content. Before we were married we went through counciling at our church & we discussed/planned on having 3. I wanted 6, but comprised on half.

I'm sick of hearing all the excuses of loss of personal time, finaces, or whatever reason he throws my way. I'm tired of hearing well "better a good marriage with one kid than no marriage and two kids". If you think about it the marriage is having issues in the first place if you can't comprise and the issue is always coming up. I'm also tired of hearing he'll resent you/said additonal child if you were to have another one. This is one that the husband throws at me, "I'm not ready, and if we had another child I'll resent you for it." Well guess what I resent him for going back on his word.  I don't nag him about it. We don't even talk about it anymore I guess you can say we left it on the plate. However it's not helping the situation. Now when we make love it's like there is an elephant in the room.  I guess all we can really do is pray or make peace. I don't think an accident is the answer because then there is always that inkling in his mind that it was your intention. Men think women are master manipulators.

Please don't think that I don't love my husband, because I do with all my heart. I'm kind of sorry that you're having a similar isse and sad that I'm not alone. I hate to think that other women feel the same way.....it's like that other little person you want to bring into this world is tugging on your heart/soul....

http://www.deepnthought.com

I can only hope that our first pregnancy goes well enough for Hubby to be convinced to go for a second :) I think that the biggest hurdle is agreeing to the first child, as I am discovering in my weekly blog.

Leila Lacrosse http://leilalacrosse.livejournal.com/

Until very recently, I was in the very same situation right down to the advancing age and one fallopian tube. My husband did not want more, I did. I chose to leave it on the table but not push it. Being a woman of faith, a lot of prayer went into it. My husband didn't change his mind, but I received my miracle. I just last week found out that I am pregnant, and an early ultrasound shows that it is not ecpotic. While my husband was upset the first couple of days, he is now excited.

It will be interesting having kids 15 years apart. One will be learing to drive right after the other is born.

Hang in there, you never know what might happen.

I had the same situation - advancing age, 2 children, husband saying 'no'. I also fantasized about duping him into a 3rd. But after giving it lots of consideration, I finally made my peace with just 2 children. I realized that it was a lot of work and I simply couldn't do it without his full support. I figured that what I really had was baby fever and there were other ways I could satisfy that without actually having another baby. Like perhaps switching careers and going into the child-care field.

But, we were on vacation just before I turned 41 and neither one of us was really being careful and bam! I got pregnant. Hubby was a bit floored at first, but he took it surprisingly well and now he seems pretty happy with the idea. This is definitely our last though. I'm getting my tubes tied during my planned c-section.

I think it's really important to repect the person who says 'no'. It's hard to accept, but there are other solutions. And if his 'no' isn't 100%, then perhaps he doesn't really want to talk about it but whatever will be will be. I would be careful about talking about it with him, especially regularly. I think some men just want nature to take its course, but not to actually plan it. I think this is the way my husband was about it. He didn't try really hard to prevent it. He was kind of all talk and no show. Since he's already said 'no', then just let it drop and watch his behavior (like is he actively trying to prevent?) for a while. Perhaps you will have an 'oops' after all, like me.

I totally appreciate your reference to sibilings - as an only child it is difficult shouldering burdens alone. My husband is one of six so hopefully he will change his mind and at least add one more child to the equation.

Cutie Booty Cakes ( http://cutiebootycakes.blogspot.com/ )

This is such a touchy subject and ultimately I have to agree with the commenters that say it is better to have the happy marriage. But my heartstrings still tug for another....

Cutie Booty Cakes ( http://cutiebootycakes.blogspot.com/ )

I absolutely agree that it is more important to have a successful marriage than 2 children and no husband. I am just hoping that he changes his mind.

Cutie Booty Cakes ( http://cutiebootycakes.blogspot.com/ )

I understand completely. I too have one child (5) and want another. However, I have a few more wrinkles: I am 44, my husband is 45, and I am infertile. It would be adoption this time. My husband understands my feelings, he is very compassionate, but he doesn't want to adopt a baby. He is fine with one child, whom he adores. It's hard as hell, because I don't want to ruin his life or my marriage, and there are stresses there already. But I'm worried that I will continually regret it if we don't do it. My husband has said he will go along with it, he won't sabotage it if I really, really need to do it. And he is a wonderful dad. It's awful when you know that if you choose one path, you will be heartbroken, and if you choose another path, your spouse will be unhappy, at least at first. (My son, of course, begs for a sibling.)

On the other hand, now that my son is 5, I really understand how much easier it is once they're not babies anymore. Say 3-5 years of the hard stuff, and then they're eating by themselves, sleeping fine, going to preschool (assuming the kid is healthy etc, but of course you never know). Not that it's effortless, sometimes it's relentless, but I wonder also how much more relentless it is since the kid has no one else to interact with except us, and we're often trying to get stuff done: dinner cooked, dishes washed, bills paid. What if there were another kid in the house to play with? (Although the age difference is already too great for much co-play).

We have not reached a decision, my husband and I. And I don't know which way we'll go. But I understand.

I saw a link to your post from my friend Catherine @ ( http://twitter.com/ ) Evolving Mommy's blog and had to chime in because this has also been a struggle for me.

I have three kids and want one more. I had my son at 18 and married his dad when he was 9 months old. That marriage was doomed from the beginning but being 19 with a baby I thought I had to put all my effort into keeping our little family together. Needless to say I ended up raising my son almost completely on my own from the time he was 14 months old and officially divorced my husband right after my son turned 4.

I met my current husband when my son was 5 and his two girls were 5 and 3. We have now been together 4 years, married for 1 1/2 years. After his two girls my husband knew he did not want more kids. He obviously knew my son was part of the package and has become a wonderful father to my son.

I was adament about wanting another baby when we met but after going from 1 child to 3 children overnight I started to waver in thinking maybe I couldn't handle the stress. As time has passed and I have adjusted to being a mom of 3. I am now certain I want another child. The best way I describe it to my husband is this deep inner longing for another child, to me our family doesn't seem complete.

I made my feelings very clear before we got engaged. I told my husband not having more kids was a deal breaker for me. If he wanted to marry me he had to be ok with having more kids. I am happy to report that he has slowly come around as he has realized how important it is for me to have more children and that I was not chaning my mind.

If I came to him now and said I changed my mind and didn't want kids he would be happy but he also come to terms with this is something I need in life to be happy. I think he realizes it is more important for me to be happy than to fight about it. I know he is a great dad and love any other children we are blessed with.

We won't have another child for a few more years because we are focused on paying off our debt and becoming financially stable. I don't want to have another child until I can stay home with the baby full-time and have no concerns about missed income or feel like we are always struggling. He thinks he should get a vasectomy as soon as our next kid is born. I tell him I would rather wait a couple months and make sure we are really done. I am willing to compromise though. Since I know a 4th kid is a big compromise for him, I am willing to compromise with him. Adoption is something that has weighed on my heart for a long time so if we wanted to add to our family after that I would want to pursue adoption anyways.

Sorry you have to struggle with this! I know it can be very frusturating! My only suggestions would be completely honest with your hubby. Try to articulate the way you are feeling as best as you can. Make it about yourself and your feelings and not about him. No one likes to be attacked. Bring it up regularly but not as nagging or as an attack. Don't be dishonest or try to "trick" him that can only lead to further conflict. Strengthening your marriage should always be one of your number one priorities and if your husband feels he cannot trust you it can only lead to more problems.

Best of Luck!

I like the idea of leaving it on the table as well.  I don't quite feel like my uterus is ready to close shop, I don't feel "done" but life is stressful now and I'm gonna wait and see how I feel in a year or so, see how my husband feels too.  My OB says that a couple should have as many kids as a marriage can handle.  That if it'll bring you closer and make you happier do it.  I like that. 

My brother just died last week in a helicopter crash and that gave me new perspective.  I'm so glad that my parents had so many kids, there were 9 of us, now 8.  It'll be hard not having him with us, but we share so much love and laughter as siblings and we'll see each other through this.  I want my kids to have strong relationships-nothing is quite like the relationship of siblings, they're like built in best friends.  Not that I want 9 kids, but I want my kids to have someone to fall back on in life and my brothers and sisters are my biggest cheerleaders!  My parents sacrificed a lot for us, I realize that now that i"m a parent, but we are their biggest trials and their greatest joys, and my siblings are my best friends as well. 

You don't mention whether or not your husband comes from a Christian background, but if he does I think I would challenge him gently for a scriptural basis for not having another child.

If he is not religious then I would point out that all those tough things in life, illness, care of elderly parents and eventual death of parents will fall solely and completely on his one offspring.

Siblings add an extra joy to life. If they're raised right they will always have each other's back, share holidays and other good times together etc.  They are a gift to each other.  I wonder if your husband has considred that angle. 

Elena,

"If you bungle raising your children, nothing else much matters." Jackie Kennedy

I suggest you try to figure out how strongly your husband really feels about this. If he is absolutely putting his foot down NO about it, then I think you need to respect that. If you sense some wiggle room, then perhaps you can make it happen. If you sense wiggle room, see what happens if, one night when you're fertile, you "forget" to go get a condom. If you're on the pill, that's trickier. We got pregnant with our third child when a condom slipped off accidentally, and at first my husband completely freaked out, but now he's 100% happy with our "accident" (of course we don't refer to her that way at all)!So, pure "luck" or "chance" may play a factor in it in the long run. Good luck to you.

I don't normally comment here, but this has been a sore spot with me for years. My husband, before we were married, admitted he didn't want any kids. I figured I could get him to change his mind. When I came up pregnant, he was not happy and suggested an abortion. I told him no, but told him that if he really didn't want a child I would raise the kid on my own without him. He chose us. When our son was about 3 years old, I started getting the baby fever. He was adament about not having any more kids. He had a bunch of excuses why another baby would not be good, but I wouldn't budge. About a year later, he relented a little and said we could discuss it, but before we had the chance to discuss it, we were pregnant. I did not manipulate the situation, it was just something that happened.  He was very angry for a few days, he prayed a lot about it, and finally changed his mind. He actually told me once that he was excited about this baby.

Unfortunately, baby fever has hit again. I've had 7 friends this year either have babies, or announce they're pregnant. The worst part, I really want a daughter and they are all having girls. We had a pregnancy scare earlier this year, and when the test came back negative it got my husband thinking about making the birth control thing more permanent. He was even more adament about not having any more kids this time around. I haven't even been able to get him to relent to discussing it.  I've cried, I've been through a depression about it, I've prayed that God would change his heart and still nothing. I knew I didn't want to go through what we did the last time. I wanted another baby, but only if he was fully on board. I made the decision that I love and respect my husband more then my need for another baby. We discussed and prayed over this decision and finally decided for him to have a vasectamy. While my heart still hurts over the little girl I'll never have, I know that the bond between my husband and me has grown so much over the past 6 months because of my sacrafice.

His biggest issue with not wanting any more kids was the diapers, the late night feedings, the crying, and all the dirty stuff that comes with having a baby. So we've started discussing adopting a little girl. One that is about 3-4 years old.

My advice is not to manipulate him. It was only cause a rift between you and your husband. Having an open and honest discussion about it and 'leaving it on the table' is probably the best idea.

I hope things work out for you, and that one of you will have a change of heart.

God Bless

-Michelle

I don't know...manipulating the situation doesn't sound like a good  idea...however, maybe choosing the "whatever happens happens" method might work -- as in, don't try NOT to have a baby, and then, if you're blessed by a pregnancy, then it was meant to be. 

Honestly from someone who never intended to have kids (I now have 4) I think planning is overrated.  You can never be ready for another pregnancy or child.  

And all my kids are definately a blessing.

And all of them were 'woops' babies.  Make your own decisions from there.

From Alex

Check me out on www.whoa-mumma.blogspot.com  ( http://www.whoa-mumma.blogspot.com  )

I know a few people who were really shocked and somewhat disappointed at the work involved when they had their first child.  Both of these women decided not to have another, but I think it's often men that have those feelings.  Before having kids it's easy to say you want three or four or however many, but the reality for many people (mostly men in my experience)  is that children take up all of your "me" time and your lives are no longer carefree and all about you.   

I found that the second child hasn't doubled the amount of work or loss of free time - the bigger adjustment came with the first.  But it is more work and as a pragmatic person I have to look at my marriage realistically and think of whether or not I could handle more than two kids on my own if we aren't together forever.  I could not, so no matter what my husband wants (no, he doesn't want more kids) I won't be having more kids.

All that negativity aside, I think children are the biggest joy in our lives and the more the merrier!  Good luck to you, I hope your husband is able to come around soon.

My son is now knocking on two (he'll hit the Terrible Age on December 7th), and my stepson is 9. 

When we married, I was pretty open about wanting kids and not wanting to be much older when we started.. and that followed suit.  But now, I'm ready to start talking (at least!) about a sibling for our son, and my husband has suddenly decided that two children is enough for him.

Well.. okay.. I guess.. but I wanted two kids.. of my own. 

I know.  I KNOW HOW HORRIBLE THAT MAKES ME SOUND.  But it's true.  I want two kids who live in my house full-time (we currently only have partial custody of the 9 year old), and I want my son to know what a sibling is all about.

And?  And I sound like a totally witch for even talking that way.

So I TOTALLY feel you.

It's tough enough to make a marriage work without forcing another child into a family where one of the "would be parents" doesn't want a baby which was alluded to by TW. There seems to be myth out there that if woman chooses to have a baby the father will over time be happy with having it. However that is a gamble which may not be worth taking. Some men mean what they say and bringing another baby to this world could lead to stress on your marriage then you would have hurt the quality of life your children deserved.  If you have a happy marriage and a healthy baby consider yourself blessed. Recently I posted a blog asking the same question in reverse. "Are you selfish for not wanting children?" After reading the various comments posted there is no doubt that bringing another person into this world is the most important decision a couple can make.

http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/life/user-post-are-...

Like headless mom, when it comes to BIG questions in a marriage, the best rule is always it takes 2 yeses to move forward.  1 No postpones or cancels any change.  It's fair when you are asking an individual to commit to something serious and more long term.  I know people who wil enforce this rule for simple as buying a new couch or painting the walls in the house.  Surely having another child deserves this respect.

If your husband wanted something that you didn't -say moving across the country, quitting his job and having the family live out of an RV for a year - would you be happy if he enacted these choices against your consent?  And these are not as large a commitment as raising another human being.

Debra A Stitch In Time ( http://astitchintime.blogspot.com ) Weight for Deb ( http://weightfordeb.wordpress.com )

*cough* But in a committed heterosexual relationship-there are some fairly easy ways around a no.

Problematic in a same-sex couple or a couple in need of assistive tech/fertility help though.

( http://twitter.com/thatwoman )
Retro-Food.com ( http://retro-food.com )

It is good to hear I am not alone. Like you, my husband and I discussed our hopes for family and we both agreed on more than one. I guess despite all the planning you do life can throw some curve balls. 

Cutie Booty Cakes ( http://cutiebootycakes.blogspot.com/ )

Dad2Amara and I went into our marriage having discussed our hopes for a family. However after I had Amara, my hubby really was content spoiling just one child. She is now 6 and I still have this longing for a bigger family. And while my requests are surely sounding like nagging, we still talk about the possibility. And while he has not strayed away from his position, I have not either. I have no words of wisdom but wanted to tell you you are surely not alone!

www.Mom2Amara.com ( http://www.Mom2Amara.com )

has always been "The 'no' wins". Reasoning: the stress of a child (sleepless nights, budget strain, and everything that goes along with it,) could seriously damage your marriage, especially if he's not 100% on board. I'm not usually one to be the 'doom and gloom' commenter, but if it were me I'd rather have my marriage and one child than 2 children and no husband. For a long time I wanted a third child, (it would have been our fourth because my daughter is from his first marriage,) but now that our youngest is in 2nd grade I'm thankful that we didn't. My husband is older than I am and his 'cut off' date was 41. Now that I'm 41 I totally understand!

Thank you for sharing your perspective and experience with this. My son is two and when his three year old friend comes by to play I can hang out with my girlfriend and chat without concern. Even still, I hope that by "leaving it on the table" my husband will decide that he wants another baby too!

Cutie Booty Cakes ( http://cutiebootycakes.blogspot.com/ )

Leaving it on the table is a great idea. I am going to remind my husband about this- he loves the Bernie Mac show and will be able to relate to this method. Maybe he will have a change of heart after reflecting.

Cutie Booty Cakes ( http://cutiebootycakes.blogspot.com/ )

I have two children but have wanted a third for a long time.  We went back and forth on the issue for a couple of years and then one tipsy night without the kids, my husband said, OK.   The next morning he woke up and was like "what the heck was I thinking."  Thank goodness for him that night didn't end in an addition to the family.  I was pretty sad at the time, but I have to admit that I'm relieved that I finally saw that he really, really doesn't want another child.  It is mostly financial and partly emotional (the late nights and lots and lots of work).  Our youngest will soon be in kindergarten and we almost have some freedom back.  If we have friends over for dinner, we can chat while all the kids play in the next room and we barely have to check on them. 
If my husband wanted another child, I would be so happy, but after the past few years I've had to reflect on things, I can say that I don't want another child if he doesn't.

But I do hope your husband changes his mind!

That's tough.  When my husband and I can't agree on a major life decision, we "leave it on the table".  We got it from a Bernie Mac show episode - not saying "yes"; not saying "no"; just letting it be.  Inevitably one of our heart changes and we both end up feeling great (not forced or manipulated) about the final decision. 

I definitely agree with your decision not to nag though.  Kids are something that both parents definitely need to want.  (I do hope that his mind changes though - you two make cute babies. Smile.)

I don't know the answer to your question daydreamer.  As a practicing Catholic though I would like to say that I totally get the church's teaching against artificial birth control now and I think it is so relavent even today.  Birth control can give one spouse power over the other spouse. It takes the decision making away from both people in the couple and gives one party dictatorial control.  That's not how a loving relationship should be;  I think that's really sad.

Elena,

"If you bungle raising your children, nothing else much matters." Jackie Kennedy