I Will Not Lie About Potty Training

I was checking out my photo album. I realized I have been lying for a long time. I've been telling people forever that my son was potty trained at 3. Lie. Big fat lie. My son was 4.

Dancing Diaper Dandy at 4
So if your son is 4 and he's not potty trained. Sorry, but it's no big deal.

I tried, I really did. I tried SO hard.

For a while Hershey’s kisses worked, we kept a bowl in the bathroom. Then at some point, he decided he'd rather pee in his diaper than have a Hershey's Kiss. I KNOW!

Right about that time I saw someone post on Facebook about potty boot camp. I was like "what the heck is that?” This lady guaranteed she’d have your kid using a potty in 8 hours. Wait, what? We were going to be at your house for 8 hours with 8 other kids in need of potty training? Why did that not sound appealing?

I knew she couldn't have made it up herself, and I am nothing if not an ignorer of a thief and a go to the original - kind of gal. I found the paperback book of Toilet Training in Less Than a Day
on amazon for 6 bucks and I was on my way.

This was a list of the tools I would need to potty train my son in ONE DAY. (she says skeptically)

  1. Buy a baby doll who pees (preferably a boy for a boy, yeah, try finding one of those)
  2. Buy lots of salty snacks (to encourage drinking)
  3. Buy lots of favorite beverage (to encourage peeing)
  4. Have a list handy of all of the people you know who go potty in the toilet (to guilt the child into using potty)
  5. Have a list handy of all of the people who will be so proud of your child when he/she goes in the potty. (to shame the child into going potty)
  6. Get hunkered down in a room the child cannot leave, that has no distractions and easy access to a toilet. (to torture yourself)
  7. No toys allowed (to torture your child)

Now go. OK, mini version, this was what I was expected to do. (Oh yeah, always in a really sweet loving voice unlike any voice he has ever heard come out of my mouth before)

  • Hey sweetie, see this baby doll? This baby doll goes pee pee in the potty. See? Let’s give her a bottle. And while you’re at it, why don’t you eat some of these cheesy poofs?
  • Oh you know what? First lets wash those poofs down with some yummy passion tea.
  • I think baby has to go potty in the toilet now! Let’s run and see! Now we run run run to the toilet and rip babies diaper off as we hold her over the toilet and a little pee runs out.
  • Good job baby! Good potty! Look Isaiah, baby went potty in the big potty! Isn’t baby such a good girl!

“Mommy, baby is a doll. She can’t go potty because she’s a doll.” (put babydoll away, that was a dumb idea anyway)

  • OK, well - let’s go have some more snacks. How about more cheesy poofs? ( I say using a really sweet voice masking my exhaustion after only 10 minutes of this)

"I’m tired of cheesy poofs, can we go in the other room?"

  • Now sweetie, let’s have something else, how about some potato chips. (completely ignoring his request)

“fine”

  • And let’s wash it down with some more tea, ok?

"Ok."

  • Do you feel like you have to go potty?

“No”

  • Let’s talk about all of the people who go to the potty.
  • Does mommy use the potty? “yes”
  • Does poppy use the potty? “yes”
  • Who goes pee pee in their diapers? “I don’t know”
  • Babies, babies go pee pee in their diapers. “Oh”
  • Where do you go potty? “In my diapers?”
  • No you’re a big boy, you go pee pee in the toilet right?

Funny look.

  • Let’s go potty now. "NO"
  • Come on baby let’s try.

These are the steps:

  1. We’re going to run run run to the potty.
  2. Then we’re going to pull our pants down, sit on the potty, try to go, pull our pants up and run run run back to where we were.
  3. Sit down on the floor and do it again.
  4. Run run run to the potty pull our pants down, sit on the potty, try to go, pull our pants up and run run run back to where we were.
  5. Sit down and do it again.
  6. Rinse and repeat 10. (TIMES YES YOU HEARD ME) Eventually he did pee in the potty and boy did we heap up the praise.

Then we went back and started again… do you want some pretzels? Do you want some lemonade?

“I’m full mommy”

Come on baby don’t you want a little more to drink? A little more to eat?

"I want to go. I want to leave this room and see Poppy! I want to leave this room now!"

One more try sweetie, one more and I promise we'll leave. (I lied.)

I made him do this for about 3 hours. IT WAS TORTURE! (for me) (He was fine; I let him play with the doll which was against the rules)

He totally knew I was messing with him, he would answer all of my questions with the enthusiasm of a dying earthworm. When all was said and done I said "Who do you want to call to tell them how happy we are that you are potty trained?"

Do you know what he said?

"No one."

And the moral of this story is. All you have to do is lock a kid in a room with a bunch of Cheesy poofs (which stained my carpet orange), a pitcher of passion tea (which stained my carpet red) and a maniacal mom for three hours straight and your kid will potty train himself to get the HELL OUT OF THERE!

 

Whatever.

 

p.s. the book really did work, as horrid as that whole day was, Isaiah was potty trained in one day. If you are having trouble potty training, I highly recommend it.

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