I wish

I did this. I could've stayed, and everyone would probably be the better for it. Everyone but me, and everyone in the here and now. But instead, I left. I left a marriage where I would tell him I felt invisible and he would mock me and laugh. I left a marriage where I drove myself to radiologist appointments and the emergency room because he didn't feel like it. I left a marriage where the only time he could be nice was when he was high or wanted some. I left a marriage where I felt like I was turning to stone, where there was not enough therapy or meds or any sort of self-medicating to put my pieces together again. So I left.

And now I feel like my kids hate me. Every time I have them, I feel like the bad guy. "Brush your teeth." "No, you cannot have ice cream for dinner." "Turn your lights out." I feel like I am the taskmaster. And I am trying so hard not to be resentful that what'shisname gets to be the good guy. Week long trip to the beach? What'shisname. Movies and Burgers and Amusement Parks? What'shisname. He is sitting on a pile of money- I am working my arse off and my fingers to the bone. I could be the good guy too, but my money is going towards decadent pleasures like electricity and groceries. Told him that I needed X amount of money so that I could stop working sixty hard physical hours a week- I got a token seven hundred and fifty dollars. Over the last six months, that would work out to about forty bucks a week. Kind of hard to be the good guy on that amount and the complete lack of sleep- no, the utter exhaustion that I am idling on.

I feel like I am hitting a wall. I am so tired, and I am so tired of being the bad guy. I thought that leaving would be better for my kids, honestly, I thought that they would see the real me- the me who was not invisible and voiceless and 'well-behaved.' Wishful thinking- what they are getting is the tired, tired, and still broken me.

Sorry- tonight was a really rough night. I wish I could be the weekend parent with ice cream and ponies and a WII. Just once- I wish that I got to be the good guy.


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