I would push over a nun.
I am a competitive person. To a scary degree. There is this sweet, adorable person in my life who is the best friend a person could ever have (Bo Bee Sah). She got in her car and searched the city for me when she knew I had a bad day once. Even though she moved to California years ago we are still best buds because she just such a gosh darn cool person and the vision of us as eighty something miscreants flirting with boys and pulling our replaced hips together in the same nursing home fills me with happiness. (But Kaiya, dangit, if you read this someday and you put me in a nursing home I will so whoop your behind when I get to heaven and get my new hips again.) Yet when she posted that her baby had already learned the sign for please I immediately was jealous. I had been working on that one with Kaiya for weeks and her kid is like eight months younger than mine! Oh no, that is so not gonna happen. Not to mention that he is a BOY. My daughter will not be beaten by a boy. So I was out in the back-yard frantically teaching her the sign over and over. Kaiya looked at me, rolled her eyes (ok, almost), and then made the sign. It’s almost like I’m parenting a two-foot tall teenager. Still, sign learned and thus mission accomplished. I was elated.
Did I stop there? Of course not. While I didn’t gloat on her site, I did have the gall to send her an email. But here is why I love her for this was her response: “Oh, and I am so with you on the comparing/competitive nature of Mommyhood. There was this kid in my Mommy Group who started laughing out loud at, I swear, like 3 months. And he was born 3 months after D. So there was D...who might smile every now and again, and would laugh quietly, so I spent a few weeks there positively going crazy trying to get him to laugh out loud. I did it, too. So TAKE THAT (Poor victim child’s name) Ahem.”
This is the same person who almost got me kicked out of a church for laughing during communion. I believe she said something to the effect of: Jesus is crunchy. I might have said: and he’s stuck in my teeth.