Ibis & The Unicorn

When Miles was first born, they gave me the opportunity to nurse within the first hour. It seemed like the L&D nurse got him to latch right on; in retrospect, he may not have been latched on at all, but just kind of sucking gently... no matter, that first "feeding" is really more about bonding.

Our hospital promotes breastfeeding as much as possible, so they have nurses and lactation consultants coming in your room often to see how you're doing with feeding and trying to help you out. This sounded like an excellent idea to me before I went in, but in practice I have to say I found it frustrating and stressful. I found that I wanted to just try to figure it out myself for a while, but they didn't give me much of a chance to do that. I knew that newborns don't need to eat that much before your milk comes in, so I personally didn't feel a lot of pressure to get the latch correct right away, but I felt the LCs were pressuring me. I suppose they want to make sure you can do it before you leave the hospital, which is understandable, but still... it was stressful.

I had read every breastfeeding book I could get my hands on while pregnant, so I "knew" how it should work and what I should do. Actually doing it was harder. The LCs had me trying the clutch or cross-cradle hold, which I do think is the easiest one for a newbie, but seemed very awkward at first as I kept trying to hold my breast with my inside hand. One LC made me try the football hold, which was an all around bad experience as it just didn't really fit and she was yanking on my nipple and making me want to cry.

Finally they told me that Miles had a disorganized suck and I had "short shank" nipples, and for these two reasons they were giving me a nipple shield and making me pump. Suddenly I was signing consent forms acknowledging that the nipple shield may decrease my milk supply up to 50% and I would have to pump every three hours during the day. Suddenly I had to nurse my new baby with a silicon appendage on my breast, every time.

Things quickly went from bad to worse with the advent of the shield. Before I was just having trouble getting him latched - now I was having extreme pain! I know that the shield works for some people, and perhaps it did "organize" Miles's sucking reflex, but I think I had the wrong size or something... it was absolute carnage. Within a feeding or two my nipples were horribly cracked and bleeding. After one feeding, Miles spit up colostrum with blood in it - my blood. I asked the nurse in desperation if this looked right, and she said yes - he's latched on well - don't worry, it will hurt less as your nipples toughen up. Meanwhile I also had to hook my damaged breasts up to the pump to keep my supply going - I was supposed to do it for 10 minutes three times a day, but could only manage 5 minutes once a day, it hurt so much.

We went home, me dreading each and every feeding, until finally I hit my breaking point. I latched him on to the shield one last horribly painful time and just cried and cried. Mr. Ibis called his sister and asked her if it was supposed to be that way, and she said yes, it hurt at first, but it would get better. Still, I knew this wasn't right. This didn't just hurt, this was absolutely unbearable pain, and that's coming from the girl who had a Pitocin birth with no epi (you can bet I will be trotting that one out again!). I was biting on my hand and crying through 5 minute feedings. I was in agony.

So I ditched the shield. And - miracle! It instantly felt better. I got him latched without it. Eureka!

I continued to occasionally pump through my transitional milk, and to relieve engorgement enough to get him latched once my milk came in for real. Then I decided to just hold off on pumping for a while to ease the pressure even more and just focus on nursing on demand.

Since then, it's been a bumpy road, but now I feel like it's a normal level of bumpy and not so overwhelming that I don't think I can do it. When I have a successful breastfeeding session, I feel like I am the most accomplished and powerful person in the world. It is a great feeling. And it happens more often as I go along, though at times it can be two steps forward and one back. I know what a good latch feels like now, but sometimes I still have a somewhat painful session and am not sure whether the latch is bad or I'm just sensitive or what's going on or how to fix it. Often this is at what used to be my bedtime, when I'm tired and a little overwrought.

So for what it's worth, tips on breastfeeding from a very inexperienced breastfeeder:

- Follow your instincts if you can. Breastfeeding may hurt at first, but it should not be excruciatingly painful, and if it is, something is probably wrong. Don't let your breasts suffer because it will only get worse if you don't correct it.

- On that note, you really have to get the latch right. Resist the urge to settle for a bad latch because you really want to feed your crying baby. A bad latch damages your nipples and also doesn't deliver milk efficiently... this means your baby will be hungry again sooner, wanting to nurse on your damaged nipples, which hurts like a bitch, almost guaranteeing another bad latch, and you get into a downward spiral quickly. It's hard, but try to take your time.

- Breast milk is amazingly healing. After the horrible shield experience, my nipples were cracked, bleeding, scabbed over, an absolute mess - it looked like I'd been tortured. But after a few feedings where I covered them with milk afterward and let them air dry, they healed quickly. By the end of week one you couldn't tell I'd been mutilated so badly - even the scabs softened up and went away. Pretty cool. If you have nipple damage you will be tempted to just cover them up right after a feeding, but trust me, this works like magic.

- Don't feel bad if you have to whip out a pacifier. I knew that I was supposed to wait a few weeks to do this, but one night Miles was up feeding every hour on the hour and I couldn't take it anymore... babies all have different levels of needing to comfort suck, and his is pretty strong. If he's rooting, I know he's actually hungry, but if he's just trying to suck on his swaddling blanket, he probably just wants to comfort suck. I busted out the pacifier at about 2am one dark night and cried. I cried looking at him sucking on plastic instead of his mama - but really, it is okay to give your poor nips a break. The next day I called the LC hotline and they told me it was just fine. He has not had any nipple confusion since.

- Don't feel bad if you want to give up, and I'm going to just say, don't feel bad if you do give up. I'm all about breastfeeding and how good it is for babies and so on, but honestly, this shit is not easy. At least not for me. I can totally see how some people just need to bail. I'm still going because I believe that it really will get easier over time, because it already has, and that it is worth it. But I'll never again judge mommies who attempt this and can't stick with it. I wish I were one of the women for whom it came easily and quickly, but I'm not, and I can imagine that it could be even harder for some - I don't want to scare anyone, but just know that the rumors are true... breastfeeding is challenging and it's something you and your baby both need to learn and work on and perfect over time.