I'd Rather Be Stoned...Than Clean
If I were born and lived in the middle ages I would have already been stoned to death or publicly hanged. Not only do I not care about stupid shit some women care about like keeping up appearances or impressing their play date groups, I don't like to cook, clean, or hang out with other women and talk about lip gloss or laundry. I can't bring myself to have small talk with people I don't know about asinine things. I also cuss too much, laugh too loud, and have generally a lot more fun than other people deem appropriate.
When you're a girl, society expects you to do girl stuff like cook, clean and talk about lip gloss. It might be nice if you're smart and educated but sometimes the emphasis for girls is also placed on the other 'womanly duties' associated with getting married. And, if you don't do them well, or in my case don't WANT to do them at all then you're not a good wife or soccer mom or person or whatever. Even if you work full time and have children some women are still coming home and cooking and cleaning. I bet they want to throw a frying pan at someones head.
Some women aspire to be housewives and they've even got a TV show dedicated to such a phenomena as hanging out and talking about dumb shit all day while gossiping and buying ridiculously expensive things for your kids. Yippee. Good for them.
I'm missing the girl gene that makes me feel like I want to do womanish things. Because I don't. And I don't need to be considered a wonder mom who bakes or stencils or dotes. It's just not my MO.
I'll text my girl friends on the weekends and I'll be all like, "Hey, whatya doin?" And they are all like, "Cleaning." And, I'm like, "Oh, god ,why?"
And some of them say: "Because no one else will fuckin do it so I have to do it myself. Stupid bitch ass good for nothing people I live with, shit!" Me: "You should get divorced."
Some of them say: "I love when my house is clean. It makes me feel good and sane." Me: "Fine. Be weird."
Some of them say: "I know I hate it but I have to do it." Me: "Is someone holding a gun to your head?"
Cleaning sucks. And for these reasons I avoid it:
1.) It makes me angry. And, I don't like to be angry.
2.) The poisonous, noxious chemicals used for cleaning give me a headache. And, I don't like headaches.
3.) Scrubbing shit hurts my back. And, I don't like to hurt my back.
4.) It takes time away from doing things I like to do. And, I don't like taking time away from things I like to do.
When I got my master's degree I promised myself I would never clean again. That's how much I don't like it. I will go without basic human needs to be able to afford a house cleaner. I will pay my other bills late or incur late fees for house cleaning services. I can't stand cleaning.
I even avoided marriage for many years because of the nonequivalent responsibilities given to women compared to that of men. And just for that philosophy I would have been stoned. At first, you might get married because you love someone and all that, but eventually that guy might expect you to make him a sandwich AND clean. And if you don't like making men sandwiches or cleaning up after them, you should really reconsider your wants and needs and what kind of 'arrangement' you've really entered in to. Because that expectation of women has never gone away. It looms around us all.
Now, I will do 'every now and then cleaning' that involves wiping off a counter or rinsing something off but actual cleaning is not my thing. Some other person's entire livelihood depends on people not cleaning their own houses. So, essentially I'm helping the economy. I'm altruistic.
See. I rest my case.
I also don't like to cook. I had a kid when I was 18 and I needed to keep him alive so I cooked for him. But, I don't want to cook and show people. I don't really care if I cook good or bad. Sometimes I accidentally cook something well and people are super surprised. "That was really good, Kelly" and I beam. If I cooked well ALL the time there would never be that opportunity for praise and a sense of accidental accomplishment. Notoriously, I'm the person who brings macaroni and cheese to work potlucks or buys pre-made food so I don't have to cook it. If you establish yourself as an inept cook then no one will really expect you to cook anything. They can just laugh it off, "hahaha, Kelly can't cook ho ho ho." I don't bitch ass care. I hate cooking.
The main reason I don't like to cook is because I don't like to wait. If I'm hungry I need to eat right now. I don't need to chop shit up and put it in a food processor. I need to be able to cook it in 15 minutes and eat it while it burns my mouth.
I have never, ever waited for water to boil before I put pasta in the water. I fill the pot up, put the pasta in and stand around waiting for it to hurry the fuck up so I can eat it. I don't care about pinches of salt or oil or anything. I"m hungry and I need to eat.
I also put food in the oven right when I turn it on. Fuck pre-heating. Pre-heating is for chumps. Your food will start to cook WHILE the oven gets hot. It's scientific. Heat = Cooking divided by I'm not fucking waiting for the oven to heat up.
This is propagand ladies! See the man on there!
I also hate laundry. I used to like to do laundry. When I had a 12 pack of beer and a bottle of wine. The only time laundry is fun is when you're drunk. Other than that, laundry is a big, giant bore ass. I hate having to take out delicate things and find places to hang them up at. When I was poor I didn't have this problem. I just washed and dried everything I owned because it was all from the clearance rack at the Gap. I once lived with a guy whose washer and dryer were in another building. I spent many a Saturday stumbling back and forth with a laundry basket hoping I wouldn't fall over. Those were some good times.
When you do drunk laundry and turn music on it's like a laundry party. Even the most tedious parts of doing laundry become fascinating and more like a 'Laundry Challenge.' The task: You must finish all your laundry by the time your beer runs out or you lose!
It's super motivating. Even the walking back and forth between rooms putting the damn laundry away or matching up socks becomes blissful and carefree when you're shit faced drunk. When I lived in Florida and I told my friends I was 'doing laundry' that really meant don't come over unless you want to see a drunk girl in her pajamas doing laundry to music.
Luckily I married someone who is addicted to doing sober laundry. And I'm all like, whatev. You go ahead and turn things light blue and pink and wash all the colors together. As long as I don't have to sacrifice my liver for clean clothes anymore. It's a deal!
This shit sucks. Who wants to get a 12 pack and do some laundry?
When I was about 13 someone showed me how to wrap presents the right way. So, I can technically be a mother fuckin gift wrapping wizard. Are women valued for their gift wrapping skills? NO!
Stupid bitch ass society.
So listen. You don't have to learn how to cook or clean or mend. If you don't like it. Don't do it. If you really like cooking and then cleaning up all the shit afterwards go ahead and do it. If you like poisoning yourself with toxic fumes cleaning toilets and floors then go right ahead. If it makes you feel worth something to do all that then do it.
But I'm not going to. I'd rather be stoned.
I'm not angry;I'm passionate