Idoiots Need Not Apply... For A Loan!
So this total freaking jackass dropped off his Business Plan for my review. He was starting some type of insurance company and needed to get financing - based on his situation he needed an SBA loan . A business plan will give approx guestimations about how you plan to run your business, your demographics, how your business will cash flow - all of this in about a 20 pages. (If you do a business plan and it is more than 20 pages you are wasting your time!)
Anyway, in this business plan he included a job posting for the type of Insurance Agent he was looking for. I am going to share this totally confidential information with you.. The names and places have been changed, but the job description is totally accurate. Even the grammar -
Professional Insurance Firm100,000 TO 300,000 RENEWAL INCOME WITHIN 2 TO 4 YEARSWE PROVIDE: A CAREER OPPORTUNITY, INSURANCE COMPANIES, MORTGAGE REFERRALS, REALTOR REFERRALS, REALTOR REFERRALS, FINANCIAL INTEREST, WE BUY BACK, A DRUG OR ALCOHOL TEST AT OUR DISCRETION, THE PROPER TRAINING, A ETIQUETTE COURSE.YOU WILL NEED: TO BE TRAINABLE, AGENTS INSURANCE LICENSE (PROPERTY, CASUALTY, LIFE AND HEALTH), TO SOLICIT AND RETAIN PROFITABLE BUSINESS, EXCELLENT HYGIENE, 10 NEW CLEAN BLACK OR DARK BLUE SUITS EACH YEAR NO STRIPES OR DESIGNS ON SUITS), 20 NEW QUALITY BUSINESS SHIRTS EACH YEAR, NO STRIPES OR DESIGNS ON YOUR SHIRT, NO BUTTONS ON COLLAR, ALWAYS 3 NEW CLEAN SHINED HIGH QUALITY BLACK SHOES (THE LACE UP KIND), 30 NEW TIES EACH YEAR, (NOT TO LOUD?) NO VISIBLE PIERCINGS, TATOOS OR JEWELRY, TO SPEAK CLEARLY, TO KEEP YOUR OFFICE ORGANIZED, TO KEEP YOUR OFFICE CLEAN, TO KEEP YOUR AUTO AND HOME CLEAN, TO MAKE COPIES PERFECTLY, TO KEEP FILES ORGANIZED AND NEAT, TO BE ABLE TO STAND UP STRAIGHT (NEW SHOES AND SHOE INSTERTS HELP), TO NOT BE SPOOKY, TO NOT BE A SEX OFFENDER, TO NOT HAVE ANY DISEASES, TO WRITE NEATLY, TO BE A HONEST PERSON, TO BE RESPONSIBLE, TO BE TRUSTWORTHY, TO NEVER BE MORE THAN 50 POUNDS OVER WEIGHT (BASED ON THE BEST WEIGHT CHART), TO BE DRUG FREE, TO NOT BE A TOBACCO USER, TO NOT BE A ALCOHOLIC, TO ALWAYS BE CLEAN SHAVEN, NO BEARDS, NO MUSTACHES, NO FACIAL HAIR, TEETH WHITENER IF NEEDED, NO MISSING TEETH, TO BE HETEROSEXUAL, NO DRINKING WITHIN 10 MILES OF OUR OFFICE (UNLESS YOU ARE AT YOUR HOME), TO ALWAYS LEASE OR OWN A NEW BUSINESS AUTOMOBILE (DARK COLORED LINCOLN TOWNCAR, CADILAC DEVILLE, BMW, LEXUS, OR MERCEDES, NEVER MORE THAN 1 TO 2 YEARS OLD before your 7th month as a contract agent with our firm). TO COMPLETE INSURANCE CLASSES, TO MEMORIZE OUR TRAINING, AND TO BE FAMILIAR WITH OUR CONTRACT, AND TO HAVE A BALANCED LIFE.
BECAUSE OF THE NATURE OF THE INSURANCE BUSINESS EVERYTHING HAS TO BE EXACTLY RIGHT, THAT IS WHAT WE DO.
Okay: let me point out a few of my favorite highlights of this job description: to make copies perfectly, to not be spooky, teeth whitner if needed, to never be more than 50 pounds overweight (based on the best weight chart)....
This little motherf&cker needs a good ass beating! After I put his business plan in the garbage (and I am hoping it was an original) I am going to blow him off until he gets pist off and then come up with some ridiculous excuse for no approving his loan... I was thinking " I am sorry sir, your loan was declined because your penis is much too small and you have too much back hair." What do you think?