If I'm Dating You, Chances Are You're Not Meeting My Child

I'm doing the single mama thing and I'm completely new to dating (once again--I forgot how to do this!). I like being alone. I'm recovering from a domestic abuse relationship, so I'm actually taking things slowly overall. It's hard to let anyone--man or woman--into my little circle of trust and say, "I'm new in town because I left a domestic abuse situation and I'm starting over with two young boys." I obviously don't say that. I don't want to be "that girl"--the Lifetime story. When I trust someone, I'll start telling them the truth and share a bit more.

However, I have strict rules about dating. I don't want anyone to meet my children, either. I don't want men in and out of my boys' life. They have positive male role models in the form of friends and/or husbands of friends.

I'm so glad you wrote this post. There are huge misconceptions about being a single mom: that we're searching for someone to raise our kids, that we sleep around, that we don't care as much about the well-being of our children as two-parent households.

I'd argue that in my case that I'm showing my boys I care a LOT: by leaving someone who was not healthy for me and therefore not healthy for them. Now my job as a mom is to raise kind boys. ;)

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mk Let's start it by a great "thank you" to all of the women in blogher who are posting "real" things about the facts which really matter us today... no more bullshit articles about beauty and trendy, no more daily stuffs telling us what to do and what not...I'm here by myself, dealing with 40 mins driving eachday and a kid by my own in an asian country, a very poor countryside.. I don't complain, I don't need help in material, what I need is a hand to take me to another grade of acknowledgement to teach me more to adapt with this life. I do love my life, but thanks to this, now I do understand more about it, and see there're more people like me!

How to say about a life of a woman here in South east Asia, we're in darkness! totally blind about the light of ourself, I have been a single mom for 3 years, and even I'm not allowed to let my company knows. I have to leave the babysit to my parents, luckily we're able to take care of her...But the thing that matters me most is the attitude of the people towards single-mom for any reason- they don't like us! and evrytime I talk about my situation, there're a conservation which is going to provoke! why , who, what, you should've done this, you need new home, new husband!!!

Instead a place to keep my past behind, I only find places with strangers who prefer to get it out!...

thanks again for sharing your experiences with me!

I dropped somebody when my son was in middle school for showing up at my house unannounced. Unless the relationship is serious enough that long-term and maybe marriage is a real possibility (very unlikely with me), I don't want the guy around my children.  My children are grown now, son in college, and I still wouldn't feel comfortable with a male hanging around me unless I felt he was someone I wanted in my life longterm. 

If I did get around to being serious with someone, however, he'd need to get along with my children. The old saying "I'm not marrying your family I'm marrying you" is unrealistic I think.

I do know of a man, however, who remarried after a divorce and he still hasn't told his children he's married nor introduced them to his wife. That strikes me as very strange.

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When I was a single parent and dating, I mostly went slow on introducing my kids to the people I was dating.  This was quite easy when they spent weekends with their father.  It was more difficult once he passed and they became teens and could figure out I was seeing someone.  Unavoidably, they got attached to and quickly detached from two guys who I thought were "the one" and whom I fully expected to marry.

I think it is better to really protective of the kids until you feel that the person you are dating is going to be in your life to a degree where he will need to interact with your kids.  That said, after my kids became young adults, my daughter told me that she sometimes felt I was hiding her and her brother and didn't want my dates to meet them because they might be a turn-off.  That totally hit me off-guard and I reassured her that it was me being protective not being ashamed.

Keep doing what you're doing.  I do think you can have a conversation with your son about someone you're dating even if you're not ready for them to meet yet.

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Good and plenty!