...if not, that's ok too.

He was correct. It was unpleasant in many ways - physically and not least of all emotionally. I didn’t think it would hit me as hard as it did that I was unable to carry the pregnancy that I didn’t plan to have, nor could we really afford anyway. But it did. It was a soul crushing blow that I had a hard time comprehending immediately, and even harder time as weeks went by. That day my fiancé and I called our moms and informed them of what had happened. I was thankful for my mother’s warm and understanding heart in that moment. She knew it was a blessing of sorts that it had not carried, but felt the blow of emotional sorrow in the reality that it had not carried just the same.

The immediate sorrow and disappointment was not something I had been prepared for. But it didn’t end when the tears stopped flowing. For weeks I was in a deep state of contemplation about life. I could not understand fully why I was handed a small gift only to have that gift removed before it was fully realized. I wondered if there was something wrong with me. If we waited until after our wedding, would it be too late? What if I can’t carry ever? I had a very happy healthy birth with my son almost ten years prior and maybe that was all I would be able to do. These things clouded my head. That and the fear.

I was terrified of getting pregnant again.

I want another child. Very, very much. I really didn’t know how much until I became pregnant. But the fear of the sorrow and the sadness that comes with the loss of the pregnancy.  I more or less pushed my fiancé away physically. I didn’t want to risk it. I could not endure that again.

I had so many friends who had gone through a miscarriage. To this day I wonder how they did not fall apart like I did. On forums I have read about women who miscarried late term or had still births. The strength of these women is awe inspiring. The kind of steel nerve they have to go through that and come out the other side makes me want to bow to them. Their courage, their strength, and their determination is inspiring. I can’t fathom their pain, but they walk on and keep trying for that miracle.

It’s been over two months now and I am more accepting of what happened, though still fearful. Our wedding is planned for 8 months from now. My fiancé is in the training stages of a new job. We plan to try again after our wedding. Putting a date on it has helped. But there is still a dark spot in my mind for what happened. All I can do is look to my son’s face and feel blessed. If another baby is in the cards, it will happen.

If not, that is ok too.

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