If Only...

Today is the day we've been waiting for for close to 10 months now!! I finally received the call saying that Recker has been APPROVED forALTCS (Arizona Long Term Care Services). We've been fighting for this and going through the process for so long and we honestly never thought we'd see this day. We were denied back in July, the interviewer's direct quote was "he is not retarded enough" the next thing she said was, "ARE YOU CRYING?" because yes i was sobbing, they had denied my son because he wasn't disabled enough, are you kidding me? i was crying because that meant we had to continue to pay the thousands of dollars for his medical expenses and weekly therapies that he NEEDS! We were told that we could reapply when Recker turned two. I saw Recker's doctor, Robin Blitz (developmental pediatrician) and she was incredible, she told me that there is NO way that they should have denied him and that when we reapply in December, if he is denied that she would personally help me fight and sue the state for services. I can not tell you enough how much of a burden she lifted just by offering to help if need be. She is everything i think a doctor should be: Honest (even if it isn't what you want to hear sometimes), resourceful and she helps parents become advocates for their children. I honestly am so grateful for such an amazing team ofDoctors at Phoenix Childrens Hospital. So i've been prepping and preparing myself since July for the worst, being denied again. I filled out another application at the beginning of December and finally received a call in January to schedule an interview for Feburary 6th, this past monday. I was so nervous, even though i've been preparing for months i felt like i was losing my mind and lost, but i made myself pull it together and i thought i would feel relief when the interview was over, but i didn't. When it was over and she left, i broke down (i only cried a couple times during the interview this time instead of sobbing like last time). I can't tell you how depressing it was to not be able to answer "YES my son CAN do that", instead i had to say "NO my son can NOT do that", to question after question after question. I lost it when she asked the question "Does he know the words Mama or Dada?" No, Recker can not say "MAMA or DADA" not only can he not say them, he does NOT know that i am "MOM" or that jeremy is "DADA," the meaning is completely lost on him. I think that people take for granted what their little ones can do. When we are around friends and family, and i hear their babies say "mama" my heart aches, it kills me, i can not tell you what i would pay, give or do just to have my son look me in the eyes and say "mama," even it was just ONCE. I received the call this evening, "Kayla, Recker has been approved for medical" those words have lifted such a burden off my mind and heart. We will FINALLY be able to get Recker the help he NEEDS! The few hours of therapy a week he gets is great, but in the past almost year, we have seen almost NO improvement and actually some regression in several areas. We will be able to get him RespiteHabilitation, ABA (applied behavior analysis), and all his therapies and medical completely covered. This is one of the biggest blessings our family has received, we've been praying so hard for this. I finally feel like i can give Recker everything he needs. I have felt like such a failure up until now, so discouraged and weighed down. The feeling that your child could be excelling and improving "IF ONLY" i had the help i needed from the state, the help that my son is entitled to. I feel like I've lost so much valuable time that he could had been receiving the services he needs, i feel like i should have been fighting harder. I know there is nothing more i could have done, but that feeling of helplessness is haunting and with me constantly. I'll forever wonder "what if", what if we would have had the services earlier, would he be talking? would he be communicating with us? would his behaviors be under control? This "what if" game has been driving me crazy, i don't know how to just let it go and accept the fact that I've done EVERYTHING i could for my son, i just don't know how.

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