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In my years of dating since I got divorced, most of the men I've met have described their former girlfriends/wives as being psychos,
lunatics, nuts, crazies, wackos, weirdos, kooks and screwballs.
This always worries me, especially
since I'm quite a few men's former lover and girlfriend and one man's
former wife. Were they now all saying the same thing about me to some
babe who's thinking she's somehow saner than I am? I know I have a few
personality quirks, but I've always thought they could be considered
rather endearing.
I'd never describe my ex as crazy or psycho — not to say he
didn’t have his moments — and I can't say I've ever heard any of my
girlfriends talk about their exes that way, either. Controlling;
impotent; deceptive; abusive; a lying, cheating drunk — sure. But never
crazy or psycho.
I wonder why men see us that way. And, even more important, I
wonder why men don't realize that the fact that they married us —
the crazy ones — lived with us, stayed with us for years and years just
might say something about them.
Now, I know that "crazy" women exist, depending on what your
definition of crazy is. My friend loves to tell the story of the
thirtysomething hottie he met on Match and was eager to meet in person.
When he showed up at her place to head for a hike, she looked
even better than her online pictures. "Let me thrown on my hiking
shorts" she told him as she disappeared into her bedroom. He waited and
waited and waited, and when he finally walked sheepishly into her room,
he found her naked on her bed, purring that she'd like him to do
certain things to her.
Of course, he obliged. Crazy is always more understandable when
it looks like this — pretty woman, pretty naked woman, pretty naked
woman who wants to have sex, pretty naked woman who wants to have sex
with you. Right then and there. No hike necessary.
But I don’t think that’s the kind of crazy the men I’ve met are talking about; they’d probably like
that kind of crazy. In fact, I would guess that many of the
so-called madwomen are all pretty nice gals. Think about it — at one
point the guys liked them enough to chat them up, pursue them, date
them, sleep with them, become exclusive with them and maybe even marry
them and have babies with them. At what point in the process did
“Snookums” and “Baby-doll” become "Psycho Woman From Hell"?
Was she crazy all along and he either didn’t see it or was in
denial? Did she turn crazy as soon as they moved in together? Did
motherhood make her nuts? Or maybe, just maybe, he didn’t really
understand her and perhaps didn’t try to. Or maybe she rejected him and
it just got flipped around and convoluted enough for it to be her
problem — not his or theirs.
So whenever I go on a date with a man who describes his former lovers as having questionable mental health, I know just what to do — never see him again.
Call me crazy — I'm sure he does!
I write at Kat Wilder's My So Called Midlife. Check it out.
