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She is completely naked. She is young and attractive -- slim, with a pretty face. The video camera capturing her efforts is hidden from her. But the camera she is trying to maneuver is sitting on top of a dresser, or perhaps it's on a high chair. She is in a very modest bedroom, and she is trying to videotape herself dancing erotically. From what I can tell, she is trying to launch a career as either an exotic dancer or a Internet porn star. But every time she gets it all set up -- the music playing, the camera rolling and herself in position, bent over with her derriere turned to the camera -- the filming is interrupted by her very young, bottle-wielding toddler, who wanders onto the scene and gets between her naked ass and the camera. The baby begins to dance and pose for the camera, too.
Repeatedly and patiently she has to stop mid-booty shake and move the baby out of the way. Each time she lovingly says in her highest, sweetest mommy-voice, "Move, Baby. Mommy is trying to do something."
I discovered this video clip on a Web site that showcases bad parenting. It is supposed to be funny. It's supposed to make you laugh and shake your head at the sheer ridiculousness of it. But it is one of the saddest things I have ever seen. My initial thoughts are to judge this young mother's poor parenting decisions. Was she making this video for money? Was she trying to please a lover? Was that video destined for the Internet? If so, the wrong video made it on.
The witnessing of this young mother's life moment is the final blow to the work/life balance ideal for me. Because even though her actions, as caught on film, are inexplicable to me, in an odd and surprising way, I can connect with her struggle. Is she a bad mom because she wants to film her own booty-shake? Or is she culpable because she is exposing her child to live, soft porn? Couldn't she do this when baby is asleep? Couldn't she just get a babysitter? Couldn't she find a real job? Only she knows the answers to these questions. I have never been in her shoes.
I've never taken any action close to this mother's. Mostly, probably, because I have never had to. If I were in a place where I thought my only chance to make some desperately needed money was to sell explicit videos of myself to the world or even to just one person, would I? If the only way to accomplish this was to video my naked rear in front of my child, would I? I think no way! But I have never had to make such a choice.
All of us mothers do, however, have to make tough choices all of the time ... and we are judged severely for them. The world judges us. We judge each other. This is why, I believe, a recent Blogher Family Connections forum post hit such a chord with so many. Maria Young asked, "How can you possibly have time to blog/tweet about being a mom if you're actually, you know- being a mom?" In the forum she asks:
I think we've all observed or even been confronted with it: those outside of the loop that assume because we have blogs and twitter accounts and whatever else that we're at the computer all day long, pushing our kids away with one arm as they beg for food ... What do you say to these folks?"
Lots of women in the BlogHer community responded via comments reflecting the commonly encountered perception that we mom bloggers are making poor parenting choices with our online business and social activities. We are not just grappling with how to deal with the difficult choices we have to make in our busy and demanding lives, but also how to deal with the judgment and negative portrayals of us as Internet-obsessed and negligent parents.
Misadventures of Modern Parenting expresses this mothering dilemma beautifully in her newest post, Choices. She talks about the irony of how her decision to stay at home has been judged as harshly as her mother's decision to join the workforce so many decades prior:
In 1996, I was a "femi-nazi," lecturing my lunch table on the pride I had in my mother for choosing not to stay at home, but by 2009, I was a stay at home mom...My mom was judged harshly for not staying
