I'll Never Be Who I Want To Be
By Kelly Louise on July 22, 2014
I had a shitty weekend. Like really bad. Let's be honest, this whole year so far has been a downfall and that's been made clear in many of my previous posts. A lot of times people use their blogs for fun posts, or fluffer posts, or just a hobby or sometimes, to be real with some shit. I've fallen in to the "real with some shit" quite a few times and that's what I'm here to do again today. But this time, I'm taking it way back and I'm going deep. I was going to do a Draw My Life, as I mentioned a couple months ago. But I have no idea how, so I'm gonna start with this.
Something is wrong with me. Something inside of me is broken and damaged and tainted beyond repair. And it ruins my daily life and it destroys all of my relationships and friendships. I had a very dark and dysfunctional childhood. I didn't really have a dad - he would show up every once in a while and pretend to care, and then leave again for however long he wanted. My mom was ill, she had her own childhood traumas that she was dealing with and somewhere between my age of 4-7 I started to notice. She had breakdowns and eventually ended up in the hospital. This put my brother and I in a situation of "who is gonna take us?" We have a very large family, my mom had 9 brothers and sisters and her parents. And then there was my dad. But no one wanted us. So we became the state's property. We got separated and I went to a foster home. I missed my best friend, my brother. All we had was each other, the times when my mom would be having some sort of psycho episode, he held me, he took care of me, he was all I had. And they separated us. While I was lucky enough to be in a decent foster home (rather than one of those horror stories you hear about), I was confused as to why I couldn't just be with my mommy. Why did I have to visit her around so many weird crazy people behind locked doors? Why did she say weird things that I didn't understand? What is wrong with mommy?
I remember being with her at my dad's house one day. She fell into one of her episodes and he left. He just left. And left me there with her. I was 6. I still hate him for that. I still remember standing at the window and watching him drive away while she sobbed on the floor next to me. What was I supposed to do? I was 6. I hugged her and told her it would be ok, but I didn't know if that was even true because I didn't even know what was wrong. Another time when my dad was at our house, my mom locked herself in the bathroom to harm herself and my dad was on the couch just reading the newspaper and letting her do what she wanted. I remember pulling his arm, trying to get him to get up, and I was crying and begging him to go get her and help her. He didn't want to be bothered. I went upstairs and was banging on the door, screaming and crying and he finally came and got her to open the door. I was probably 6 or 7 at this point too.
I could type out story after story of shit that went down. But this chaos, this lack of love, affection, attention, development, all of what a child needs, is why I grew up to be a horrible person. I was shitty to my friends throughout elementary and middle school and well into adult life, I was jealous of the families my friends had. I made all the wrong choices, I chose all the wrong guys to date, I hurt people I cared about and then didn't really care that I hurt them. I cut people out of my life without a blink. I became incredibly self destructive, some ways the same as my mother, and other ways I turned to substance abuse. There were periods of my life where I wanted to die, I would do so many drugs that I hoped it killed me, I didn't feel purpose here. I was never taught right from wrong, I learned the hard way, I was never taught to love so I always do that wrong too. I never was given the chance to develop my emotions properly as a child so I'm a raging lunatic that lets my emotions destroy everything good that comes along. I have severe anger issues because as a child I was so angry that I was alone, that I had to take care of my mom, that I had to see the things I had to see, that no one wanted me so I had to be taken to a new family, that often times I was forgotten and left behind and a teacher had to stay with me until someone remembered to pick me up. I was forgotten! I'm stuck with these extreme abandonment issues because of all these people and I'm angry. I'm angry because I wasn't given what a child deserves. And I have carried that with me throughout all the important moments of my life. I'm 32 years old now and it still sits in me and it still ruins my life and relationships. It's never going to go away, so I will never be the happy and peaceful and loving person that I want to be. I can't be who I want to be, and that's not fair. I'm damaged and destructive and I destroy everything I come across. I've gone to therapists since I was in the womb, I've been on almost every medication you can think of.... I'm not changing. I've tried, it doesn't happen. I am who I am, and it's very fucking unfortunate.
One of the first posts here that I ever made was reasons of why I'll probably never be a mom. But to be honest, this is really why. I don't want my kid to end up like me and I don't want to end up like my mom. I want to end this cycle of childhood dysfunction and pain. How could I possibly give a child what they need when I'm still this damaged at 32 years old? I can't. And that is also very unfortunate.
xo, Kelly Louise
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