I'm an Anti-Soccer Mom


This is a post from my old blog…even though my daughter is 9 now, the sentiment behind it still stands, so I figured I’d post it again.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my daughter and will do anything for her…but is it bad that a little piece of me is filled with glee that she probably won’t be playing soccer this fall? The Gestapo that runs the league said she can play if there’s room when she puts the teams together…Jeez, how nice of her. It’s kind of my fault that this happened because I forgot to sign her up by the required date. When I called the next day to ask if I could still sign her up, that was the answer I got.

Initially I was angry…I mean, really…that woman is a little power happy about running the twp. soccer league. It’s not exactly brimming with 7 year olds. In fact, last season she usually had a whopping 4 other kids on her team per game…and there were only 3 other teams for them to play …but I digress.

Like I said, I was initially angry…but then when I thought about it, the glee started to creep in…I’M FREE!!!

You see, I’m the anti-soccer mom. At games, I stand off in the corner of the field away from the other parents, because I think most of them are absolutely insane!!! I am amazed at these crazy people who live vicariously through their 7 year olds every Saturday morning.

Have you ever been to a 7 year old child’s soccer game? If not, let me set the scene for you, because it’s the same thing every week – a small group of kids huddle around a ball, kicking viciously at it, while it bounces off all of them one by one. If this happens long enough, there is then the ensuing cloud of dust that obscures your view for a few seconds. Eventually the ball pops out, and they chase it like a herd of thundering elephants. Sometimes it makes it into the goal, because the poor little goalie looks like a deer in headlights..but more often then not, it just goes out of bounds a thousand times. You could set your watch by it, trust me.

Anyway, that I can put up with…because they’re little kids and it is kind of cute. It’s the lunatic parents that make me the anti-soccer mom that I am. First of all, everyone there delusionally thinks their child is the second coming of Mia Hamm. Newsflash time people…that is not the case. I actually heard a parent say one day, “When my daughter grows up, she wants to be a professional soccer player. I know that she will be just that.” Ummm, I’ve watched your daughter play…and you might want to guide her in a different direction.

That’s a prime example of what I’m talking about. These parents are wayyyy too into it for my liking. Is it necessary to scream “Kick the ball!” 700 times in a one hour span? Why are grown men and women running up and down the sideline screaming and frantically pointing to which direction the goal is in to their kids? Why would you scream at the 15 year old kid who’s reffing the game about “missed calls”? How can you be THAT happy when the opposing goalie misses the ball and then jump up and down like your child’s team just won the World Cup? It literally takes every ounce of my being to not run on the field and make the grand announcement that these kids are 7 YEARS OLD and it is TOWNSHIP SOCCER! I am convinced I am the only person there who actually remembers that little fact.

Will I miss watching my daughter happily run up and down the field every Saturday morning…usually having no idea what soccer really is…but enjoying the hell out of it anyway? Yes!

Will I miss wanting to rip my ears off my head so I don’t have to listen to the shrieking parents on the other side of the field? Not so much.

That’s ok though…because she’s going to start softball in the Spring, and I have a feeling there will be similarities.

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