I'm Due for a Broadway Show and Jazz Hands

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I'm dating a man's man. I mean a MAN. He eats meat. He thinks greeting cards are unnecessary. He has 123 pairs of the sneakers and 60 pairs of jeans. He doesn't own an iron and he boils water for instant coffee in a saucepan. He drives a truck made by Ford. And he needs privacy on Sundays while he concentrates on football and nothing but football for 15 full hours.

In the interest of spending time together, I've recently been tagging along to his sporting events. I don't have too much to report besides which stadium had the better pretzels (MSG), but I did make some valuable observations that I'd like to bring to the attention of the American sports authorities:

  • a) Why, if given all the choices in the world, would you name your team something singular, like Avalanche? If I played for a sports team, I'd like to identify myself as a "Yankee" or a "Ranger." Not "a member of the Miami Heat." What a waste of words. Totally inefficient.
  • b) In the game of football, stop using the word "downs" and call them what they really are - "tries." Don't over-complicate things. You're men. You've never had a problem keeping it simple before.
  • c) Tone down the dramatics, Ref. No need to throw the penalty flag as you run frantically onto the field. Waving it will do.

Hockey Fight via Flickr

  • d) After hockey players fight, make them sit together in the penalty box for 2 minutes. Maybe they'll figure out a way to work it out. But in the more likely case that they'll continue the brawl, so be it. That's what everyone's there for anyway.
  • e) Madison Square Garden could use a makeover. The muted Pink and Green color scheme not only reminds me of both my 6th grade classmate's bedspread and my childhood orthodontist's office, but it also went out in 1989.
  • f) Pitchers should have to bat or not bat consistently across leagues. Rules are rules. One league being able to do things that the other league can't is like deciding Caucasian people can't say "brother" now, either. Tell me that's fair.
  • g) Wild Card!?!?! Really?? What is this, Chutes & Ladders? No. If a team beats another team, they make it into the playoffs. Period. 

That should cover it for the suggestions. My only other thought is just a lovely daydream: Imagine coming to work and getting paid to throw your colleagues violently into walls?


The Witty Biddy


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