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Sparkle (8)
I’m fat and ugly. How many times have you heard a beautiful woman say that this week? How many times have you said it this week? How many of the women who said it really are fat? And why does everyone seem to think that fat and ugly are mutually exclusive?
I understand low self-esteem. I’ve been there and still have my days. I even understand the reasons for the horrible body images women in this country have. Ironically as I was about to start a rant on media and society a commercial came on TV that asks “Are you overweight? Are you considering liposuction?” I don’t think a rant is even needed now. Point made.
Even though I understand it, there comes a time when gets old. I wish I knew how to make women see the beauty in themselves that I see, that other people see. How to I make people see that beauty has nothing to do with dress size, or even how much you paid for the dress.
I get so upset when young women who could fit their entire bodies in one leg of my jeans says to me “I’m so fat. I’m so ugly.” I have made it my life’s work to boost the self-esteem of other women and get them to see their own worth, but at times like this it is hard not to forget myself and grab them by the shoulders and shake them screaming, “Are you kidding me? You are looking at ME and saying you are fat?”
I have yet to do that, but I am afraid someday my control will snap.
The thing is, these are the same women who tell me I am beautiful and say they look up to me for my confidence. Really? You see, I have trust issues by nature, and if you are saying such horrible things about your size 8 body, how do I know that inside you're not thinking how grotesque I am. How do I know you’re not saying it behind my back? Truth is, I don’t. Truth also is, some of them may be.
Would I care if they were? It’d be nice to say no, but besides being human I also have this need to be liked, so yeah it would sting just a bit. But not too much. I wouldn’t let it hurt too much because I know my worth. I know my worth because I am surrounded by people who love me and tell me my worth. And because I really do admire and trust them, I believe them. So, I’ve decided the only way I can get my point across about believing in yourself and seeing your own worth is by putting a few truths out there about myself.
FACT: I’m fat. Yes, I am. I am 5’4 and weigh 295 lbs. Doctors classify that as morbidly obese.
FACT: I have ugly teeth. No, not just yellowed or a bit crooked. Really ugly. I have a hereditary bone disease that causes tooth loss and when I was younger I had an accident that caused my front tooth to get chipped off. No dental insurance and little money means the tooth has gotten ugly and rotten looking. I have HORRIBLE teeth.
FACT: I have made some really poor decisions in my life. I’m not going to spill all of them out here, but fact is, I’ve made some really bad decisions.
FACT: I’m on a budget. Tight budget. I shop at Walmart. My clothes are not even close to the height of fashion. Heck, I’m lucky to find something that fits.
ALSO FACT: I am beautiful. Yes. I am. Inside and out. I’m fat. I have a big dress size, my dress size does not define me. Neither does how much money I spend on that dress. My teeth might be ugly, but I don’t let that keep me from smiling! (Okay, maybe not in photos, I do have some vanity!) The bad decisions I made in my past do not define me either. I’m not stupid, I’m just human. Everyone does stupid things and makes poor choices. Deal with it and get past it.
My beauty comes from within and it shines without. I may be snaggled toothed, struggle with money, and have a hard time finding clothes that fit that I can afford. But, so
