I'm Getting Married! Again! (But Do I Really Want Another Wedding?)
by KristySFWhen Peter picked me up at the airport, he had a small bouquet of flowers in his hand and a goofy smile on his face. I'd been gone for a week, tending to BlogHer Boston, BlogHer DC, and visiting the site of BlogHer '09 in Chicago. It was late on a Wednesday night, I was tired, and the LAST thing I expected was for him to suddenly drop to one knee, right there on the roof deck of San Francisco International Airport. But he did, and he asked me to marry him, and I said yes (of course I said yes), and I couldn't be happier. About getting married.
The wedding? Um...
I am 33 and Pete is 40, and we have both been married before. Not only that, but we've both had lavish, formal-like, fancy-pants weddings before, too. So...do we do it again? And if so, how?
We don't know. And we keep going 'round and 'round in trying to figure it out.
In the ABSOLUTELY WE SHOULD HAVE A WEDDING camp, we have the basics you'd expect. First and foremost, we want to say our vows to each other, in front of the people we love most in the world. I want my family to be there, especially since my parents cannot be. Secondly, we are not entering into this lightly. In fact, my wedding managed to take on far more significance the first time around than my marriage did. This time, it's most certainly the opposite. We're older, wiser (at least, we hope we are), and we want to get it right this time. We dated for three-plus years before making this decision, and now that we're confident it's the right decision, we want to celebrate it! Lastly, I know how to put together an event, and I love doing it. So there's no added stress to the planning process -- that part, for me, would actually be fun.
In the WHY WOULD WE PUT OURSELVES THROUGH ANOTHER WEDDING? camp, there are all these other factors. For one thing, our engagement is decidedly NOT about a wedding, but about our commitment to each other. I have no need for something formal or lavish to make it feel real, it just is real. I cannot envision doing anything one traditionally does at a wedding (I barely did any of them the first time):
I don't want a big poofy dress (been there, done that, see Exhibit A for proof); I don't want posed, formal photos; I don't want to toss a bouquet or do the garter dance thing; I don't want to make a big deal out of cutting a cake (I don't even want a cake, I just want cupcakes -- and maybe popsicles).
At most, I just want to assemble our friends and families together for a lightning-quick ceremony and then I want to feed them lots of unexpectedly delicious food and have my friend's 80s cover band play while everyone gets good and loaded and has a jolly ole' time. I just can't take the idea of a "real" wedding very seriously.
So do I want to drag all these poor folks out from across the country (everyone in my family lives in the Northeast; Pete's family is in Arizona and LA), if I'm not going to even give them a cake-cutting? I mean, it's not just that flying out and staying in San Francisco is expensive, it's also totally inconvenient. Can I really believe it's justified to ask this of guests if I really don't want any of the pomp and circumstance?
And also, I can't exactly go without mentioning that, while I do enjoy the planning part, absolutely anything we do is going to cost us a small fortune. There is just no way around it (and believe me, I am trying).
I just don't know what to do, and nothing is sitting right with me yet. Should we try and find the most fun, least formal place we can and just invite everyone to our untraditional "party" wedding? Most of the time I think Yes, absolutely! But then I think of how much trouble we'll be putting our guests through, especially if we just want something on the small side. And we start looking at the costs and the timing and the hassle, and next thing you know, Peter and I are discussing City Hall again.
I guess I'm hoping that the right idea will suddenly drop into my lap. In the meantime, I'll keep gazing contentedly at my sparkly ring, and you know...get to work on building my new life with my soon-(ish)-to-be husband.
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My thoughts
I have always thought (since the wedding that I did have which was by today's standards unfussy and inexpensive but uh yeah, lots of money) that I should have picked some cruise or vacation destination (dude ranch, Disney, err that cool camp that has child care that I have always wanted to take my brood to for a vacation) and had a family reunion type wedding rather than a capital W wedding.
Of course, the closest thing to a wedding we have had as a couple is Denise's 40th birthday which was a blast mostly. Ok, I hear it was, I was in the hospital until the day before and have only vague memories of it. But, I can suggest hiring your favorite folk singer, cooking up a bunch of easy party favorites, and handing out goody bags with smiley bracelets, flamingos, and vulva soap.
~TW
Retro-Food
Your dream sounds like my wedding...
Kristy,
My wedding was the day after Thanskgiving, and it was much like you described (except that I let my mother hire the band. One word: Ugh!)
My dress was off the rack from a department store and my matron of honor's dress was the same style in a different color. My spouse wore a suit.
We were married in the vestible of the hall, then invited everyone inside to eat, drink and be merry. We had a traditional German Chocolate Cake. People came from near and far and I never felt like it wasn't a "real wedding".
So, if you want to go for it, DO SO. It sounds like a perfect way to mark the beginning of your life together. And cake-cutting is such an over-rated part of the celebration.
Debra
A Stitch In Time
Weight for Deb
loved my 2nd wedding
Hi Kristy...We went for a simple private (mostly) wedding in Estes Park CO. We live in Annapolis MD. In CO, you need only buy the license, and you ARE then married. No officiant necessary which is a throwback to the old mining days of mail order brides.
We however did have an officiant - an 80 sumthin' minister which the owner of the B&B found for us. We were married on the banks of the Big Thompson river, and had only dh's 70yr old+ sister and bil and a young(30s) couple who are friends of ours join us.
I made a bouquet from flowers bought that day in Safeway and with ribbons from Michaels.
When we came back to MD we had a big party at home a month or so later. Worked for us!
Maureen
cookingmylife.blogspot.com
We just went to a backyard wedding on
Saturday.
They'd been living together for around two years. It was a second marriage for both of them, and between them they've got 8 children. EIGHT!
The ceremony happened with a minimum of fuss. There was food, and kids everywhere, and rain. And it was absolutely lovely.
CONGRATS KRISTY!
I say do it EXACTLY how you want to do it and only invite those who truly love you. You guys will be so happy with that decision that nothing else will matter.
I'm SUCH a girl cuz I sooooooooo love weddings so I can't WAIT to see pics of what you decide!
www.MonicaMingo.com
SMOOCHES BEAUTIFUL WOMEN!
what?!?!@
You're getting married!!! wooohooooo! congratulations! and YES you want a wedding! just the right size. eek, I'm excited.
yay! yay Pete!
xoxo steph
A Year of CrockPotting
How About Calling It "A Ceremony of Love" or
Something
Because in your hearts you are already married right? I'm not good with the cheezy stuff but really you sound like you just want the loved ones to witness the ceremony.
You still gotta feed people but what is wrong with matrimonial pot luck? And for those that you don't trust in the kitchen you could offer gentle suggestions on where to pick stuff up.
If you put the word out that folks don't have to shell out mega-bucks or gifts I think you could invent a newer take on adult people making a love commitment. A small, gentle love infused ceremony.
Depending on the time of year and weather conditions I like standing beside the ocean or being deep in a forest surrounded by trees. Or a bowling alley. Whatever floats your boat.
Blessing and congratulations by the way.
Gena - Out On The Stoop
Just do it...
:)
It's a wonderful thing to celebrate ... I just got married in the fancy-pants style this past spring, so first off - congrats! For the cost of flying into San Fran, perhaps a destination wedding would solve some of the fuss because you could invite everyone, but there's less pressure to attend yet it doubles as a vacation so they get to party on with you while creating their own memories too.
The people who want to come will come.
My friend got married in the Bahamas. She and her husband had been together for years and had a daughter. They got the bare-bones package at the resort in Freeport, and invited people. I wasn't in the wedding, but she's a good friend and a cool person, so my sister and I got a weekend package down there and went to the wedding.
It was cheaper than a weekend in Florida and we had a blast. They had a blast. They didn't have the usual rack of "required" events besides the reception, just invited everyone over to the town square each night for two-dollar beers and snacks. Other than that - on your own, yet they were so appreciative that it wasn't like they were ignoring people who'd come to celebrate with them.
As a gift I served as a second shooter/photographer because they couldn't afford the resort photographer for the whole time. She wasn't expecting it but I fixed the shots I took for her on a cd, made 4x6 prints of everything plus some 5x7s of the better ones. It was one of the best things I've ever done for anyone simply because it was easy and it made her so happy that I genuinely felt good about it. How often can you say that?
I truly believe from what I know of the two of you and the people in your lives that no matter where you decide to go or what you do, people will come and share in that time with you and won't consider it a burden at all. Your description of your sister's wedding gave me chills and made me cry. You'll have the same kind of day no matter what you do, I'm sure.
Also I know San Francisco is special to you but destinations are sort of awesome.
Just don't forget the liveblog. Just sayin'. ;)
Laurie
PS None of this is advice, I swear. I hate advice. ;)
Congratulations/Best Wishes
Very happy For You. Will look forward to following this story to it's happy ending.
Thought about live streaming the ceremony for those that can't afford to attend but you want them there?
elana
Blogher Contributing Editor,Business&CareersFunnyBusiness
I hope never to have a 2nd
I hope never to have a 2nd wedding but if I do, I would want a low-key destination wedding. Maybe something along the lines of getting married barefoot on the beach followed by a clambake.
Thank you so much - for the advice and
encouragement!
I know we'll figure something out that makes sense for us and everyone else. In the meantime...
TW - Thinking of it as a "family reunion" (with a broad definition of "family") is an excellent idea. I think I'll go with that. I had not considered vulva-related goody-bag gifts previously, but we'll see if we can't talk Pete into that...
Deb - Such a good idea, tacking it onto a holiday where friends and family will be gathered anyway! (And German chocolate cake? YUM.)
Maureen - Dashing off to somewhere quiet with just us, and then having a plain ole' party sometime after holds a lot of appeal. Definitely something to consider.
kazari - 8 kids? To think I complain of our 4 cats... But the mellow, no-fuss sounds ideal.
CreoleInDC - Thanks for the enthusiasm. It helps to be reminded that this is fun and exciting and will be great no matter what!
Hi Steph! Yep, we're gettin' hitched! Yay! Hey, have you ever made a wedding cake in a crockpot?
Gena - You have some great ideas. (We're definitely more the bowling alley kind of couple.) I especially like the idea of doing away with -- or at least minimizing -- the gifts!
Faintstarlite - You make a good point, that doing a destination wedding kind of automatically keeps the numbers at a manageable level. We've definitely considered it, but then basically realized that SF is, actually, a destination for many of the guests. And since so few of my family members have ever visited me, a wedding/reunion/love commitment ceremony seems like an ideal time.
Laurie - Thank you, you are awesome. I feel like we're kind of getting at something like sending emails to my friends/family: "Hey. Come to SF and hang out. We'll get married at some point, too." And I will most definitely NOT forget about the live-blogging. :)
Hi Elana! Actually, we hadn't, but that's a good idea! I'd only gotten as far as thinking about liveblogging...but a live stream would be awesome! Thanks for the suggestion. :)
Crimson Wife - You know, every time I think of the wedding, I picture myself barefoot. So we're on the same page there. (Well, except that the beaches are freezing here, but whatever. Tra la laaa.)
---
Kristy Sammis
BlogHer's Conference & Event Planner
e. kristy@blogher.com
dude, I will try.
but we should have a back-up plan just in case.
-steph
A Year of CrockPotting
Pshaw! Back-up plan?
All or nothin, baby!
And seriously, I couldn't think of anything more appropriate than trying to serve a crock-pot wedding cake.
---
Kristy Sammis
BlogHer's Conference & Event Planner
e. kristy@blogher.com
Congrats!
How exciting! I like the idea of making it more of a coordinated group vacation. Maybe you could rent a big house with a nice lawn for a weekend and plan some low-key activities centered around your vows, then guests could come and go for as much or as little of it as their schedule allows?
As a SF girl myself, I know how expensive it is here... but if you go up to wine country or down the peninsula, you may get some pretty decent deals, esp in the off-season.
In the end, I think you'll figure out the ceremony part-- and you already have each other, which is the most important thing!
Cheers! :-)
Renaissance Trophy Wife: the modern girl's guide to smart lifestyle investments
http://renaissancetrophywife.wordpress.com
Congratulations!
kim at btwixt and btween
Falling in love as true adults is the best! Husband and I were nearly 40 when we married. I found the best advice in a book titled Weddings for Grownups -- which can be summed up with this advice: think of the wedding as the nicest, largest party you'll ever give. That should help you conjure up just the right feel. For me, especially because we were crazy enough to be married in January in Minnesota, that meant a fireplace and a feeling that we were hosting a charming party in a warm, welcoming home. So we had a small ceremony with family followed by a large reception at a university club in -- what else? -- a very large, beautiful mansion. With the fireplace going in the dining room, drinks in the living room and dinner/pianist in the ballroom. Perfect for us. You'll find your perfect vibe, too.
Oh, and about that January in Minnesota thing: if I was crazy enough to marry then and there, I wanted the ceremony to be in a green, warm place. So we chose the Como Conservatory, filled with greenery and humidity! Couldn't tell it was below zero outside!
WEEEE!!! Get married at Blogher 09! :)
I'm sorta half kidding but think of the fun!!! we can add an extra day and lots of peeps who idolize you will already be there :)
Practically though, do this....together! :)
Devote thought to what your marriage means to yourself, to each other...to the community...to the world...
Then start to ponder how do you wanna share this treasure?
Quietly or broadly. With photos and video and flickr there's gobs of ways to share the event should you have one...large or small....But keep probing what is the meaning of your commitment to one another, how that's a gift to humanity, cuz it is, and then how you see yourselves making that gift publically known....
Anyone who gets the value of your bond will want to celebrate in person with you...that's natural. Just be sure that any occasion is first and foremost for the 2 of you....and how the 2 of you think it should be....not based on any other paradigm but the one you both create.
Traditions and ceremonies have a precious place in our history and humanity....But can be created anew again and again....
A friend of mine and her hubby just got married at city hall. He's not a citizen, she is...they're gonna have 2 celebrations...one at home next summer (Greece) and one more local...the one more local is low key and they're paying for it. The one back home is being paid for by the family they're having it for.
Keep in view: it's so much more than a time to party. It's surely that. But it's so much more a day of history in the making...where you and Pete (lucky boy!) make your impact on the footprint of our century...and stand for the beauty and wonder of lives choosing to unite....
So excited. (my vote: 3 parties...and one better be in chicago during Blogher 09!!!) :)
Anybody know how to start a vote on Blogher?
"Should Kristy and Pete celebrate their wedding with US at Blogher Chicago?:) "
Luvs and hugs,
Tre ~ http://thoughtbythought.net
Getting married
Your second wedding should really be what you want, sounds like your first wedding may not have been (my first wedding was basically my mom's - I should have let her walk down the aisle too, it might have worked out better ...:-))
When we got married we had a very small wedding (35 people), and we just invited our closest friends. If they are very close friends they will travel for you. We did not do a destination wedding, but keeping it small was helpful from a cost perspective. Having the reception at a great restaurant actually makes it more reasonable, because you get away from caterers, and all the other folks in the wedding "racket" Anyways, whatever you do, make sure it is what you two want, this is truly a marriage of choice, so make everything about your wedding your choice too.
Hmmmmm....
I love all these comments and suggestions, and Tre, this is a particularly beautiful paragraph. How many blockbuster movies have been made abut brides who couldn't/wouldn't keep this in mind?!
As to BlogHer '09, I'm sure Pete will want to share Kristy with all 1,000 of her closest friends...LOL
Lisa Stone
BlogHer Co-founder
Surfette
BlogHer is non-partisan but our bloggers aren't! Follow our coverage of Politics & News.
We got hitched in SF too
We got married in 1997 at 1409 Sutter in SF. It's a great Victorian house and we bascially just had a party in it. Highly recommended!
Erika
The Plain Jane Mom Blog - getting my mommyblogging on.
Try Handmade - my love for beautiful things. Let me show you it.
More excellent thoughts...
Renaissance Trophy Wife - I really like the idea of the event lasting over an extended period of time, where people can drop-in/drop-out. Very smart.
kim - Thanks for the book suggestion. Your wedding sounds lovely (and I'm v. familiar with January in MN, all my mom's family is from Minneapolis). My only hesitation is that, while our commitment is most assuredly grown up, our friends/lifestyle is...uh...not. But that doesn't mean we couldn't combine sophisticated elements with some of the "other" stuff!
Hi Tre - HA! Thanks for the suggestion. I agree with Lisa, that one paragraph is stunningly eloquent and one to keep in mind. The ideao of marrying at BH09 does tickle me, and I particualrly enjoy the imagine of running around in a white dress all weekend. Oh, the possibilities...
Lisa - We should send that tidbit around to every bride-to-be on the planet.
Erika - Thanks for the suggestion! I haven't seen the venue yet, but will definitely look into it (it's come highly recommended). :)
---
Kristy Sammis
BlogHer's Conference & Event Planner
e. kristy@blogher.com
Okay missy bride to be
Okay missy bride to be beautiful babe. We havent heard ANYTHING nada nunk nuttin on whether you're dressing in a miss fancy pants creation or a flowing prairie skirt or a hippy chik lu lu lemon style yoga outfit....what gives? enquiring minds NEED to know.
why? b/c!!! why not let them treat you by posting what you'd like to wear on your very own bridal registry using twtapps!!!
(how geeked out have i become in below zero temps==not really that just sounds good ...it's a balmy 13 today in beantown)....
seriously though, i wrote a ridiculously long but fun to read i think post about twtapps and one of the fun things is an online registry you can tweet about called the twtwlist or twitter list....
check it out...and you can add the linkies for how to purchase the item right there on your registry :) why not give it a go and offer it up to the BlogHer-sphere b/c there just may well be tweeples who wanna give you somethin' special to celebrate this new beginning for you...a dual new beginning!!! ;)
and if you don't wanna do a twtwlist.com for your bridal registry, make it a baby registry...i would have posted one in the post I wrote 'cept I wanted to be sure you'd be okay w/ that. I found some beautiful vegan slings and diaper bags you could post for folks to gift you.
just twink about it...and if you want me to make you one, send a tweet to @tresha ;)
hugs to the bride and mama to be :) and ya know I'm eager to hear about the DRESS!!!
wheeee! (when I envision a wedding for myself, it's me in the tropics wearing a bathing suit shells and some kind of gauzy wrap..barefoot of course...and sure, on the beaches of little palm island to boot....(kidding, i don't need so fancy) so just know i'm not expecting wedding cake white wonderland..just very interested). :) hugs and more....
Tre~
http://thoughtbythought.net
tre@thoughtbythought.net
update!
Okay missy bride to be beautiful babe. We havent heard ANYTHING nada nunk nuttin on whether you're dressing in a miss fancy pants creation or a flowing prairie skirt or a hippy chik lu lu lemon style yoga outfit....what gives? enquiring minds NEED to know.
why? b/c!!! why not let them treat you by posting what you'd like to wear on your very own bridal registry using twtapps!!!
(how geeked out have i become in below zero temps==not really that just sounds good ...it's a balmy 13 today in beantown)....
seriously though, i wrote a ridiculously long but fun to read i think post about twtapps and one of the fun things is an online registry you can tweet about called the twtwlist or twitter list....
check it out...and you can add the linkies for how to purchase the item right there on your registry :) why not give it a go and offer it up to the BlogHer-sphere b/c there just may well be tweeples who wanna give you somethin' special to celebrate this new beginning for you...a dual new beginning!!! ;)
and if you don't wanna do a twtwlist.com for your bridal registry, make it a baby registry...i would have posted one in the post I wrote 'cept I wanted to be sure you'd be okay w/ that. I found some beautiful vegan slings and diaper bags you could post for folks to gift you.
just twink about it...and if you want me to make you one, send a tweet to @tresha ;)
hugs to the bride and mama to be :) and ya know I'm eager to hear about the DRESS!!!
wheeee! (when I envision a wedding for myself, it's me in the tropics wearing a bathing suit shells and some kind of gauzy wrap..barefoot of course...and sure, on the beaches of little palm island to boot....(kidding, i don't need so fancy) so just know i'm not expecting wedding cake white wonderland..just very interested). :) hugs and more....
Tre~
http://thoughtbythought.net
tre@thoughtbythought.net