I'm Not That Kind of Blogger
By Elle Green on July 09, 2014
Featured Member Post
I've been blogging again for three weeks and feel like my space has been growing a lot in that short span. Not because I'm that awesome or anything. Mostly because I've been aggressively targeting people to stalk, sponsor, and write for me this summer.
But still, new readers. Cool. So let's talk about the things you probably won't ever find here. AKA "Why I'll Never Be Popular" or "Reasons Why Pinterest is Not for Me."
1. Hair tutorials. I can't do my hair. I've only mastered using the straightener to make waves and doing a crappy ponytail that's always too loose because my hair is slightly too thick for the hair tie. Every once in a while I try to practice braiding or doing a bun. It doesn't go well.
2. Makeup reviews. Because, while I really like browsing the makeup aisles, I only ever draw lines on my eyes and smudge them with eyeshadow. And these days, sometimes I don't even do that. But I do like skincare things and maybe they'll pop up.
3. Outfit photos. I've never been "trendy." About 80% of my wardrobe is black. The rest is various shades of red, blue jeans, a little gray, and two pink shirts. I have three pairs of earrings, no other jewelry. I will never impress you with my fashion.
4. Recipes. Sometimes I like cooking, but I don't cook anything special you can't find on AllRecipes.com. Not an innovator. I do, however, like to bake bread. But it's unlikely to make an appearance here.
5. DIY/decor how-to's. I don't decorate because I have this mad ability to not notice what's around me. And I'm never satisfied/always changing my mind. I'm kind of in awe of people who go all out in a coordinated color fashion. My craftiness is limited to knitting, crocheting, and trying to write pretty.
6. No cute photos of kids, no recounting of what the kids did that day. None yet and no plans to have any in the foreseeable future. I do have nieces, but since they aren't mine, I won't bombard you with cuteness and release their likenesses to the wild world of the Internet. Also, no pets or random cat photos.
7. Faith. I don't have any. If you need a label, maybe "secular humanist." Since "atheist" would only tell you one very specific thing I don't believe in. These days, I like to think "mostly good person."
8. (Much) Swearing. Not because I actually care. But because I can't really pull off a good "fucking X" anymore unless I'm kind of mad. There's nothing like hearing middle-school Korean boys trying to swear in English to make you clean up your vocabulary. Or middle-aged Korean boys trying to swear in English: you can't pull it off. It's just comical. But now I can't revert to my pre-teacher jargon.
9. Fitness updates and/or diet crazes. I'm a couch potato. Exercise limited to walking around the neighborhood. And I could never, ever give up bread. Bread is life.
10. My "love story." Sharing details of your life is cool; it fosters that sense of community. I do like to creep on people. But, unfair as it seems, I'm a private person, and I'm quite unlikely to gush about my hipster, though he may pop up in photos from time to time.
11. Travel tips. No "Top ten whatevers" or "The 5 things you have to do in this random place because I did even though they're completely subjective to my own short experience." Probably inaccessible to the general reader, possibly either untrue or not completely true, and sometimes solely a title gimmick to make it more "clickable." Fine to read if you're doing research, but I'm not that kind of blogger, so I won't write them. Unless I'm desperate for inspiration. My travel stuff is more narrative-like.
12. Etc. Photos of latte foam art, because I prefer tea. Waxing poetic about wines red or white, because I'm alcohol-intolerant. Collages of clothes I want, mostly because it seems like it would be too annoying to actually copy/paste and manipulate the images to make one that would satisfy me.
13. Photos of myself. There's a finite number because I'm camera shy. I'm not at all self-conscious about my appearance. Ironically, if I tell people this in real life, they're somewhat likely to tell me that's a problem. Just an example of how hypocritical the "accept yourself" message we send to girls can be. Anyway. I hate posing, my fake smile looks weird, etc. But I took a new photo to add to the collection, and it's over there on the top left. Why am I not looking at the camera? Because a direct shot made me look as if I've been in an Asian photo booth, all big weird wet eyes and smiling at a blinking red timer sucks.
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