I'm sorry... You'll never be able to get pregnant."

No one has ever said that to me.

 

Ever.

 

And if they had, I'm not sure how I would handle it...

 

In the movies there's always a dramatic scene where the doctor is behind his desk and the husband and wife are on the other side holding hands when the doctor brings to life that couple's biggest fear...

 

they can't get pregnant.

 

Obviously, a couple sitting in those chairs, hearing those words, wants to be pregnant... they want to grow their family, and

 

growing your family = getting pregnant

 

To most people.

 

And in that moment, no matter your views on adoption or foster parenting or surrogacy...

 

In that moment, I imagine that pregnancy does feel like the only option....

 

So hearing those words...

 

"I'm sorry but you'll never be able to get pregnant"

 

probably feels like a bullet to the heart.

 

That dramatic scene might happen once in a while but I also imagine that there's a build up to that moment...

 

trying to get pregnant, dreading the 'one year' mark, charting, bulk pregnancy tests, doctors, blood work, counting the days, more blood work, more negative tests, large bills, more blood work, shots...

 

You get the point.

 

I imagine that when you go through all of those hoops and hit one negative after another, that moment is somewhat expected.

 

And even though it's expected, it's never something you're prepared for.

 

Of course, I'm only imagining....

 

Because we've done all of the testing and blood work and charting and negative tests and doctors and shots and meds and more blood work....

 

But we've never lived that moment.

 

No one has to tell us that we can't get pregnant...

 

because here we are, 7 years later, and we've never been pregnant.

 

So we assume....

 

but we don't know.

 

So what's easier?!

 

Living your life in a .... (dot dot dot)

 

or

 

Living that moment

 

???

 

I don't have an answer but I've imagined that moment many times...

 

and many times over the past 7 years...

 

I've longed for that moment.

 

I've longed for a (period) to replace my (dot dot dot).

 

Because I would change the path that has been chosen for our family?!

 

Never.

 

Because one day we will re-visit the doctors and tests and blood work?!

 

Over my dead body.

 

Because I still want to be pregnant?!

 

No.

 

I've never lived that moment....

 

But every single month...

 

I imagine that moment as I live our (dot dot dot).

 

Not because I would ever change our family and not because I want to enter the world of infertility again and not because I want to be pregnant...

 

But because living in the (dot dot dot) is sometimes terrifying.

 

For a few days out of every month, our (dot dot dot) terrifies me.

 

We don't time or chart or test anymore but when people ask the inevitable...

 

Will you have more kids?

 

How do you answer that?!

 

I've tried them all...

 

"Joey wants 2 and I want 3+ so we'll see..."

 

"If the Lord opens the door for us to adopt again, we would be thrilled!"

 

"We still don't know why we haven't gotten pregnant so that's still a possibility."

 

That last one?

 

Terrifying.

 

I know adoption.

 

I'm comfortable with adoption.

 

I live adoption.

 

Adoption feels like me....

 

It's my life.... my heart.

 

But that (dot dot dot) is my biggest 'unknown'...

 

 

(Dot dot dots) open up a world of 'what if's'...

 

Here's mine....

 

"What if God won't let us get pregnant because my body won't be able to handle it?"

 

What if I don't make it? What if the baby doesn't make it?

 

and then...

 

Maybe I should go back on birth control. I should probably start charting again, just in case.

 

And so on.

 

So .... a few days out of every month, it's impossible for me to live outside of my (dot dot dot)...

 

Because well,

 

"Aunt Flo comes for a visit"

 

or

 

"Jenny has a red dress on"

 

or

 

"You're riding the crimson wave"

 

or

 

"Your on the rag"

 

or

 

It's just 'that time of the month'.

 

It does me no good.... none... but every single month, 'it' is my (dot dot dot).

 

There are times that I wish for that moment... that I imagine a (period)...

 

there are also times I wish for a hysterectomy.

 

:-)

 

(I mean really, it does me NO GOOD!)

 

I have no choice so I will continue living in my (dot dot dot) and I will continue trusting that, one way or another, with a pregnancy or that moment or even menopause...

 

one day, my (period) will come... and then? It will be welcome.

 

I don't know of one woman who has struggled with infertility who hasn't heard, at one point or another, from a well-intentioned friend or family member...

 

"You just watch! You'll (stop infertility treatment) (adopt a baby) and then you'll get pregnant! It happens all the time!"

 

I'd like to offer a gentle word of advice to those who might find themselves on the verge of saying something similar in the future...

 

That woman, your friend or family member, no matter what path their family is on and no matter how exciting things may be for her... she's living in a (dot dot dot)...

 

and sometimes, even if only a few days out of every month...

 

that (dot dot dot) is painful and even terrifying.

 

It's true that sometimes couples DO get pregnant soon after ending treatments or bringing a baby home...

 

but it doesn't happen to everyone...

 

and for the one's who it 'could' happen to?

 

A statement like that only extends the already never-ending (dot dot dot).

 

Back to my imagination...

 

I imagine we all have our own (dot dot dot).....

 

What's yours? What triggers your (dot dot dot)? What does that moment look like for you?

 

And when your (period) comes, will you welcome it?

 

Something to ponder on your Sunday night :-)

 

 

 

 

 

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