I'm Still Infertile
By OnLoanFromHeaven on November 04, 2013
I've recently made a depressing observation...
Of all the friends I have who don't yet have kids and are currently trying to get pregnant, a huge majority of them are experiencing infetility.
'There's something in the water" has taken on a whole new meaning.
Joey and I were the pioneers in our group of friends when we were first trying to get pregnant 5.5 years ago. We were lone wolves. Maybe this is why I felt the need to be so secretive in the early months of our struggle to conceive.... My mom was the only woman in my life who 'got it'.
I was talking to a friend the other day about the world of infertility.... it's a world she has just recently been introduced to and if you've been there, you remember the thoughts, feelings, and frustration like it was yesterday; weekly and bi-weekly ultra-sounds, not even knowing when the last time you had a PAP was because really, what's the difference? Don't you have one once a week?! The blood work, the pills, timing sex, the blood work, trying to find your 'ideal weight', trying to keep your 'ideal weight', the blood work, the mood swings, the hot flashes, the blood work...
Yeah... you remember.
I feel that over the past few years I have become a 'Credible Source' in the world of infertility. I'm not a pro but do feel like I could pass any exam at any time to become a fully licensed Reproductive Endocrinologist with all that I DO know. But I DO know. I know the process and thoughts and feelings and frustration and pain when a friend gets pregnant and the depression that hits you like a ton of rocks when you leave her baby shower and how, on a daily basis, you reinact the scene on the elevator in Baby Mama... it's all you can do to NOT smell the heads of every baby you walk by! It all makes you CRAZY.
So yes, friends.... I am a Credible Source... of crazy.
So I know how important it is to know when to talk and when to listen... and in the world of inferitlity, it's always better to listen way more than you talk. But when I DO talk, I feel like my words are credible....
Because while those thoughts and feelings and frustrations are now my memories, and while I now have the baby I thought and felt so much for, one thing hasn't changed and it's the one thing that makes me a Credible Source....
I'm. Still. Infertile.
"Hi. My name is Lindsay and I'm infertile."
I know I know... it sounds harsh. But here's my reality;
I look in the face of my baby every single day and THANK GOD that I didn't get pregnant. I wouldn't change my life for anything in the world.... anything!
But while I look at my baby every day and thank God that I didn't get pregnant, I am also painfully aware every single day that my body doesn't work the way it 'should'. I remember every single day the struggle we went through to grow our family and I remember why we went through it.... because I'm infertile (I really hate that word but what else is it called?!?). I still feel the gentle pang in the part of my heart that would love to experience pregnancy.... not because a pregnancy woud give me a child any different or more special than the one I have, but because women's bodies were created to bear children. It's in the Bible, for goodness sakes and MY body just can't figure it out! I want to know what a baby feels like when he/she moves in my belly and as weird as it sounds, I want to feel contractions and labor and that moment when you witness your child's first breath (granted, some adoptive parents DO get to witness this!).
Back to my recent conversation with a newly 'infertile' friend;
While the conversation started comfortable; she shared with me, I shared with her, she had some questions, I answered them, we cried together...
At some point in the conversation, around where my toddler interrupted us, it felt like we experienced a shift.... one where she realized that I now HAVE the child I went through all of that to get and all of a sudden, I was no longer a Credible Source in our conversation. She changed. All of a sudden, I was on the other side of the 'infertility line'.... we weren't on the same team in the presence of my baby; a baby much like the one she is hurting for.
I didn't experience that when I was in the throws of infertility... I had friends who adopted their children and they were always a Credible Source to me when it came to conversations about infertility....
Because even though they have their baby.... they're still infertile.
So, to be honest, I got a little ticked.
When a journey through infertility brings a baby into your arms through adoption, your world changes; almost every aspect of your world changes.... for the GOOD! And, in many ways, that baby DOES 'fix' many things....
But a baby doesn't fix infertility.
I AM a Credible Source.
"Hi. My name is Lindsay and i'm infertile. Still."
"Stop telling God how big your storm is, and start telling your storm how big your God is!"
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