I'm Tired of Parenting. So There.

I have seven kids. Three are mine, four are my second husbands. We've been married for 10 years, and the kids are now 24, 22, 22, 20, 20, 18, and 17. One has graduated college, and three are in college. And I've found that the older they get the harder it is to be a parent.

I look back when I met my husband and wonder "what the hec was I thinking?!". I am beyond emotionally tired of raising kids. I so just want to pack up and leave. I honestly thought when they went off to college my husband and I would have so much more time alone and so much more money. Here we are and it seems like every other day we're helping these young adults navigate their life. I'm sitting here thinking, "so, when do WE get our life back?". This is NOT what I signed up for. I don't want to be 60 years old and too physically beat up to enjoy the last twenty years of our life. The 17 year old is a senior in high school, just one more, just one more, I say to myself. But, like in the movie "Parenthood", where Steve Martin's father says "you never get to do your touch down dance", is exactly how I feel. The two 22 year olds have moved back home. One from a failed relationship and the other a "failure to launch". I try to look at the end result of grandchildren and look so forward to that. But my goodness give me at least 10 years of no children before I get the grandchildren!! Money here, emotional time there, help here, help there. I'm tired of just thinking about it. But it's never over, at least not until you're near the grave.

I foolishly got married at 22, there was no other way out of my parents house. This is in hindsight of course. I could've been patient and saved money etc instead of getting married and having a child right away. My whole adult life I've been a parent. I litterally want to escape, just leave in order to keep my sanity. Of course I love my husband and children, but I'm human and they are,except for the 17 year old, are adults and they need to know that my husband and I need our space and time now.

I would love to hear from those parents whose children have once and for all left the nest. I want to hear that there is life after children and that there is yet so much more good to come.

We are on our 5th day of rain. You described how I feel this very minute... Thank you for your post. I am tired, so tired...

JCK of Motherscribe

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I have these days too. This has to be the worst part of parenting- the fact the it just NEVER ends! Even if you leave the kids with someone else, you are ultimately responsible for making sure that they will be okay, even from many, many miles away. When I have days like this where I just cannot fight the boy about watching yet ANOTHER Baby Einstein video, or making him eat his peas, or whatever, I just don't. Just for that day, we watch more Baby Einstein than I'd like and eat more ice cream than green vegetables, just for that day. And I figure that his world isn't going to end, his nutrition not totally compromised, his brain not totally mushed if just for that day, we relax the rules a bit.

I'm tired, too!!  Unfortunately, when I get back to work after the holidays, it's to 25 OTHER people's children. 

Good thing I love 'em. 

In general - find jobs, even jobs that don't need doing and let her learn her own way of doing them.  Two benefits, first they are entertaining right now and second she's going to be far ahead of her peers when she can look after herself :D.

We actually started the kids at around 5 with laundry.  They sorted colours first (I'm not terribly picky about it so I didn't have to do very much correction or supervision), then matched and folded socks, folded towels (you really have to be not picky on this one). 

As for being tired, everyone gets that way and the best thing you can do is give yourself permission to be.  It doesn't make you a bad mother and a day of non parenting (PJ's all day, loosening from some rules etc) won't harm her at all.

Aaaaand, after 16 years, my kids are getting pretty tired of my parenting, too -- so, I guess that makes us even ;)

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As I read through these comments, I really had to smile. When my kids were small I worked outside of the home and also had regular business trips.  I couldn't wait to get home to spend time with them, and because they had  been in daycare/nursery school/with nannies  all day, by time we got together we were usually ready to relax and have fun.  In fact, I always felt like I never had enough time with my kids.

Now that didn't mean that I didn't get annoyed  with them or that at times I wish I could just read a book and be left alone, but I was always aware that the time  with them was precious.

I just savored being able to spend time with my kids. Also, it sounds like I was a bit more loosey goosey than many of you when it comes to "parenting." My approach was more "model it" than "direct it."  Oh, and I did bribe. If there was an area of "parenting" that I just dreaded, it was the car. They were so predictable in their fighting in the car and jockeying who got to sit in front.

On one very miserable drive from Minnesota to Colorado I thought I was going to explode and then I came up with the idea of "rewarding" them for peace. I told them that every hour that they could be int he car and not fight, I'd stop at a gas station and purchase each of them a scratch off lottery card.  Even though my son is now 26 and my daughter will be 21, we still stop for those scratch off cards on road trips. It was nirvanna. I got the peace and quiet I needed, they "won" some bucks.

Oh, and if I could give advice about that laundry situation. My kids were responsible for their own laundry from the time they were eight years old.  They were both shocked when they got to college and had friends whose moms had always done their laundry. At the time I had a pretty high tech washing machine that could custom the settings for various people and they loved having "Noah's Wash" and "Berit's Wash" set to their own specifications.

Elana
BlogHer Contributing Editor: Business & Career
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I am having that day today, and I fear it's been a week of those days (or maybe more? *gasp*). I worry that saying something like this to anyone but another mother would be grounds for a call to Child Protective Services, because I don't think anyone but mothers understand how truly grinding parenting can get. I love my children, and I love being a mom, but sometimes I'd like a vacation. Or as I sometimes say, I'd like the chance to miss my kids just for one day.

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I love this post! It is like what we are all THINKING but sometimes afraid to admit out loud! I was just reading the book "I was a good mom before I had kids" and the author says... You need this book if you think of going to the dentist as your "alone time"! Which is totally me!! I'm like — give me the nitris & a really comfy dentist chair in a room w/out kids & drill away!

Then on the other hand, I do try to enjoy them while they still "like" me ... I found this post called It Does Get Easier, A message for moms w/very young kids that does sort of put it all into perspective... http://southernmomentum.com/2009/12/it-does-get-ea...

Its a good post to read on those days you have to REMIND yourself of the reasons you wanted to become a mom! :-)

The title of this post attracted my attention. My two are grown according to the legal definition of grown. One just turned nineteen and the other will turn 29 next week. Both are in college and at home. So, I don't really parent anymore. In fact, sometimes I feel like I'm being parented with the lectures I get about something I'm doing, eating, or saying. *crosses eyes*

However, occasionally I still have to referee disputes. The best thing about them being "grown" is I can say to them with no guilt whatsoever, "I am tired of hearing about this. Grow up and don't mention it again because I guarantee that if you're going to start acting like you're five, I will treat you like you're five." LOL.

And I remember when they were each pre-K and I was so sick of Chutes and Ladders or Candyland. :-) I also recall the husband coming home and me telling him about the funny joke I heard o Sesame Street. 

Yep, you do need to leave the house sometimes and go off all by yourself.

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And since I have an only child, I have to stop myself constantly from overparenting her.  Fortunately, she is pretty good at playing alone, but I figure there are limits to how long you should ask a five-year-old to play quietly. I find we have our best times when she is interested in what I'm doing, but when we're stuck in the house, even that is hard.

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I am with you. My daughter was home sick yesterday and it has been freakishly cold here in NC and I thought I would lose my mind before I made it to bedtime.

I am trying really hard to allow my kids to experience the natural consequences of their behavior but that is a lot easier said than done.

I think that Vered DeLeeuw, who responded above has a good perspective on this and one that I am working on adopting more. We have a level of expectation in our lives and our childrens lives to "be happy" but if we look back not many years ago you'll see that the hope was to simply have enough food or to have all of the children survive childhood.

My mother once said to me, "You kids have it so much harder than we did. You're expected to parent, we were just people with kids."

Kate

I blog at http://www.aftercancernowwhat.com 

Wow, I am right there too.  Some people would say, "You only have 1 child, you have it easy."  I heartily disagree!!  With an only child, I feel like I have to be parent, sibling, playmate, etc.  I feel guilty if I don't constantly have her around other kids, through playdates or extra activities.  I feel horrible when she begs me for a little brother or sister and for undisclosed reasons, that just isn't happening, not because we don't want it to.  I love her so much that it hurts, and yet the guilt is terrible!

Oh, are you just talking about the winter? Because I'm referring to this entire adolescent period!! Yes, it's cold and we are all shut in together-- the child, the teenagers and the young adult who should be in college. And yes, this may have something to do with why I am dreaming of a warm and isolated island only big enough for one person...okay, maybe two people. My husband needs to escape, too!

But this is not about the weather. For me, it's about just wanting a clean kitchen for one half of one day and about making a simple request without a debate and about filthy freaking laundry everywhere!

Phew! I'm not alone then?

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Rita, this is exactly how I've been feeling. I think cabin fever plays a role, as does the letdown after the holidays. I practice free-range parenting myself, and it works wonderfully during leisure time. But supervising homework, checking progress on bath/bedroom cleaning, reminding kids of basic hygiene - it's enough to make me grateful that my little dude's needs are still fairly small.

Thanks for the commiseration. It's enough to give me a second wind, at least for today.

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Funny - I had this thought the other day as I told my teens that if they didn't get their clothes in the laundry basket, they wouldn't be laundered. (Yes, I know I could just make good on the threat but the man-child will pick something off the floor and wear it! Yuck)

I'm trying to get them ready for college, with a clue or two of how to take care of themselves. Every other day I think "Oh screw it- I won't have to share a room with them", but then I realise it's part of my job to develop their social and hygiene skills.

Sorry for breaking this to those of you with smaller kids - it doesn't end any time soon! AND they go to bed really late!

You mean it's not just me?

My husband and I were discussing this just last night. We love winter and snow and that, someday, we can take the kids skiing. We really do. It's lovely. Except... that the kids really can't play outside right now because it's TOO cold to play in the snow. So we're inside. We're over-using technology time. We're bored out of our gourds. We've probably outworn our welcome at the library. Our lane is so icy that friends can't come to us and we can't always even get to friends' houses for playdates. It's just a MESS.

I can't wait for Spring so I can open the door, shoo them outside and say, "OMG!GOPLAY!"

That said, I got a lovely break this weekend from my parents. I'm feeling somewhat refreshed today. The break. The clean house. The time spent with my husband. It was really just needed. Or I was going to go insane.

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Parents today expect a lot of themselves and of their kids. There's a lot of pressure to spend quality time and in general be a "happy family." I think it was easier on past generations because they didn't have so many expectations.

----

Vered DeLeeuw

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Sometimes I get very tired of it-sometimes. After a long number of years when I didn't see as much of the kids (including their sabbatical semester in England where I only saw them for 10 days) I try to treasure even the aggravating moments.

It could be that they are older now and more self-sufficient or that my caregiving ARG moments tend to run more with caring for my mother as well. For example: my kids have reached the age where "scrounge" is an acceptable and even looked forward to meal by the children-but I still need to do meal and med prep for my diabetic mother 3-5 times a day. Sing now "Rainy Days and Meal Prep really get TW down."

The kids seem better behaved in the car this year too, so that helps.

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Blessedly, my kids are in 1st and 2nd grade so they are at school most of the day.  But by the end of Christmas break they were fighting with each other constantly (and still are when they are home).  They are bored.  They need to get out and stretch.  But it's too cold and wet.

So somedays we just take a break.  We watch a movie, eat popcorn, drink hot cocoa and stay up too late.  I take a moment to just enjoy them rather than focus on parenting.  Maybe I'm a slacker.  I don't know.  But winter is hard on all of us.

Good luck.  Hope you can get a moment of peace.

I struggle with this ALL-THE-TIME..... as a stay at home parent, I am well aware of how lucky I am, I know that I am fortunate to be financially able to take these early years off to hang with my kidlets (though I will say I have made plenty of tough decisions in order to be financially able!).... at any rate, the mental exhaustion gets to me.... I find myself thinking things like "if my kids were in daycare my house would stay clean during the day",  "if my kids were in daycare, my dining room might not be a constant mess of glue, scissors, and teeny tiny scraps of paper",  "if my kids were in daycare I could PEE all by myself!!!"    I know the day is coming soon when i will have to do SOMETHING on my own, I will have to start leaving the house when my husband comes home just to have some time away every now and then, because its exhausting being a parent 24/7.... sometimes you just want to be YOU!

My two big kids are having some huge drama of undiscloseable nature - and it's driving me nuts. I'm tired of talking about it. Tired of hearing about it. Tired of thinking about it. Tired of the drama, the angst, and ready for it all to be o-v-e-r.

I feel your pain.