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The first time you open up on the internet is always the hardest. When you choose to be honest and be that person that you're so proud of being on your own on the internet, you open yourself to criticism, to anger, and to acceptance, among many things.
When I began blogging in 2001, I decided to be as open and honest as possible, blogging about everything in my life from the random to the horrible, including my struggles with mental illness. As the years have gone by, my readers have gone with me through a stay at a hospital, different drugs, different diagnoses, etc. I've let them in on the dirty little secrets of the world of the mentally ill. I've also let them have a peek at what it's like to be a functioning member of the mentally ill community, something that many people don't believe is possible until they see it with their own eyes.
Admittedly, you know when you open up about mental illness that people are going to complain and tell you that you shouldn't talk about such things. Well, why not? My mom and dad both struggled with mental health problems, as did their parents. They always taught me, though, that I should never be ashamed to be myself. I should always be honest and open. It is better to let people see the real you than it is to hide behind the lies.
I didn't expect the hatred, though. I had people blogging about me on their blogs, calling me names for admitting to things like psychosis and delusions. They labeled me "schizo", which later turned out to be partially correct, as my diagnosis is currently Schizoaffective, a rare disorder that basically blends Schizophrenia and Bipolar Disorder. (It's actually a lot more complicated, but the basic gist is that it's a mixture of the two.) People were saying I should be killed because of my problems, problems that I couldn't control. It was like I was some kind of monster, when all I was being was me.
I didn't expect the praise either. People were telling me about their struggles with mental illness, but how they weren't writing about it for fear of the reaction from people like the ones giving me a hard time. I encouraged them to tell their story, reminding them that everyone has their problems, and that the people who were going to give them such strife were just suffering from their own prejudices and problems.
I also didn't expect a critique from the one person who I thought would understand why I was airing my problems online. My therapist told me that other people, besides her, didn't need to know that I had mental illness. She thought it would be better if I bottled up my problems until I saw her, which isn't exactly a safe thing to do, since I only see her once a month at most thanks to the glorious mental health system in this lovely country and state.
I don't talk about my problems online as much as I used to, not because I don't want to. I just feel that I don't have much new to talk about. My condition has improved over the years, and I credit part of that to the fact that I tell my problems to my friends online, as well as the counseling once a month and medications that I take.
I would like to take a second to tell those of you who have an issue like mental illness that it's not a bad thing. It is nothing to be ashamed of, no matter how "weird" you may think it is. I'm sure you will find that there is someone out there that has a problem like yours. Maybe, by talking about the problem, you can make a friend or two. Maybe you can even inspire them to talk about their problems. Eventually, you may find that you have half a blogroll of people talking about their problems and being honest...being brave.
The first step in getting better is admitting you have a problem, correct? Well, go ahead and admit your problems. You will fill a lot better after you've done it.
