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I think most parents feel like children should come with an instruction manual. I know I do. For example, a manual about caring for and loving my nine year-old son would go something like the following. This is a wonderfully sunny, good-natured child who needs lots of hugs and snuggling. However he’s a tad sensitive, and is easily overwhelmed by an abundance of noise, commotion, or too many people. When he melts down don’t try to talk him out of his dark mood. His storms are like a summer thunderstorm; they are quick and seldom linger. Just pat him on the back and walk away. It will be tough but it works for him.
My daughter is a completely different personality. The only thing she inherited from me is her strong will and penchant for fighting for the underdog. She was an only child for four and a half years; big mistake. The limelight was all hers and she enjoyed every minute of her father and I doting on her. So a baby brother was as big a shock to her as it was to her us!
Her manual would read like this. Your daughter will be a creative and dramatic soul who won’t need people to coddle or appease her. At three weeks old she will prefer that you just sit and look at her versus holding her for hours at a time. She will twirl and dance across the room in one breath and fight like a heavy-weight in the next. When she raises her voice in anger, don’t fight back. Her hurt will run deep and take time to heal. Choose your words carefully; she won’t like being told how to conduct herself. Most importantly, she may not seek affection so don’t forget she needs it anyway.
I come from a long line of strong women. My parents were hippies who should have never met let alone procreated. There was a lot of dysfunction and chaos. My escape from the chaos was my relationships with my Grandmothers. I once read a joke in a magazine that said something like, “Grandparents and grandchildren get along well because they have a common enemy.” I worry because my daughter does not have grandmothers like I did. My grandmothers were my soft spot to land, the champions for my cause, and continuous confidence builders. What will happen to this prickly child/teen who does not have beautiful women called Grandma to build her up?
As we enter the teenage years I need that manual now more than ever. Just looking at her sometimes brings tears to my eyes. Knowing that our time with her is now limited, she will leave our nest in only a few years. So, please, someone tell me how to keep this head-strong, know-it-all teenager on the “right” path. As she pushes us away so she has the space to spread her wings, we will need to know when to pull her back or to let her soar.
