Interview: Mistresses Speak Out
Through out history, the mistress has been the villain that everyone hated. She has always been seen as the home wrecker with no morals or respect for marriage or relationships. That seemed to have changed a bit when Kerry Washington hit the scene as Olivia Pope in the hit tv show, Scandal. Week after week, fans took to social media to root on the mistress of the President of the United States and being the other woman didn't seem to be so bad...at least on tv.
Although Scandal is written for television, there have been many mistresses of presidents and many mistresses of men...period, however, most mistresses don't speak out and tell their story and so I went in search of women who had been or were currently mistresses and this is what they had to say.
Have you ever been the "other person?"
Towanda: "Yes. I've been the other woman more than once!"
Hannah: "I am the other woman."
Jessica: "Yes, I have."
What made you decide to have a relationship with someone who you knew was either married or in a relationship already?"
Towanda: Love...always love! Some were married and some were dating other people. Generally I believe monogamy is an unnatural socially imposed condition. Two the promise of fidelity is between the man and the person he made it to. I don't believe it has anything to do with me. All that matters is the connection between the two people in my book. And I definitely believe you can love more than one person at once. I know I have."
Hannah: "No I didn't know this before we got together I didn't find out until it was too late my heart was already in too deep. He told me months into our relationship after it was too late he gave me the option to leave I couldn't[by then] my heart was already in too deep."
Jessica: He was always smiling and flirtatious. Plus, he didn't wear a ring.
At orientation is where I met him. In my office, it was rare to see any men of color let alone of a power position.
As time went on, he began to offer things to me. His first offer was to get me some ice cream from a local fast food spot. I told him what I wanted not thinking he would get it. Lo and behold, he comes and brings me some ice cream. That seemed to open up more doors. Next thing I knew, he offered to take me to get ice cream another time. So, I went with him. He continued being flirtatious and of course, bought me the ice cream. The next thing I knew, he offered to get my nails done. From there, we began speaking outside of work."
Jessica: How did things escalate?
Jessica: One night, he wanted to come over so I let him and that's when our sexual relationship began. I didn't think of it as being wrong at the time because I was lonely and still dating. It began to grow into more because he would always want to go to lunch with me or come over. I started to see the downside of the relationship because even though I knew I didn't want to be with him, I realized I was putting myself at risk for pregnancy, his wife finding out, etc.
Because the person that you are with (or have been with in the past) are married, what are holidays like for you? Is he available?
Towanda: "I always spend them with my family and I've only had one relationship where I would bring that person to a family event. So that has never been an issue."
Hannah: "Yes, he is available on holidays."
Jessica: "He wasn't available. Even though I didn't see him as my "man," I still wanted attention on those days and I remember vividly how he wasn't available on New Year's Eve or Valentine's Day. It hurt, but it was the reality."
Hannah, since the man you are with is married and has a family; How long have you been with him? Does his wife know about you?
Hannah: "We have been together 2 yrs. Yes, she does [know about me] some what and hey do live in the same house together but he has filed for divorce."
Do you feel "bad" about breaking up a home or relationship? What are your thoughts about cheating?
Towanda: "I don't think cheating means that someone doesn't love you. It can but it can also mean that person is attracted to or has feelings for someone else as well. Which I believe in natural. As for breaking someone's home, no. Only the people in the home can break it. If you decided to leave someone because they cheated that is your decision. If someone doesn't want to be with you, then that is what it is. That they cheated is just an aside."
"As a general rule, I prefer to only date single men. However, that is not a moral issue for me. For me it's about the demands and realities of our society and such relationships are doomed to be temporary. If we had polygamy in this country, I could totally live with that."
Hannah: "It's not easy being the other woman and it's not right I'll admit it's frustrating at times but he is wonderful to me and my children like he is their father he does everything for us he even helps with my bills. Believe me I do a lot of praying and asking for forgiveness but when you fall in love with someone so deeply loving them from your soul it's hard to just give up and walk away."
Towanda, do you want to be married? Would you care if your husband slept with other women? Would you be fine with an open marriage?
Towanda: "I'm an atheist so marriage means nothing to me outside of the legal and financial benefits. When my ex and I lived together we were essentially having the same life as if we were married. That could have gone on forever and I would have been just as happy. I would not want an open marriage. I think it does not fit within the culture of American life and would only create headaches. If my husband slept with someone else, I would simply try to figure out why. If there a disconnect with us or does he simply have feelings for someone else. I would try to take it case by case. I don't believe that any rules work for all so it depends."
Hannah, what are your expectations for the future?
Hannah: "Right now I'm just taking thing's day by day and enjoying what we have I do hope that we move in together in the future."
Jessica, how did things end between the two of you? What did you learn and what advice would you give a woman in the same situation?
Jessica: "I slowly began to be turned off by the situation. I knew it wasn't the godly thing to do. Plus, I was ready for my own love. I slowly began to tell him we couldn't go to lunch, he couldn't come over, etc. The horrible thing was that he used to cry and argue the situation. Eventually, he got the picture and thankfully for me, I got a new job and moved on. It was a year of my life that I'm not proud of, BUT I grew stronger to God, I gained the love of a great man and I learned a lot."
"I learned that no matter how lonely you are, it's better to be lonely than to do the wrong thing. I would never subject myself to lowering my own standards and settling again. I would suggest to any woman who has thought of it to not do it. It seems appetizing, but trust me... You end up sacrificing your self-worth and even prolonging the meeting of the man God has for you. Plus, you are preventing God's blessings. Sin doesn't equate blessings. Only obedience does.
Towanda, have the tables ever been turned? Were you ever cheated on?
Towanda: " As far as I know no one has ever cheated on me. For me what's important is respect! Even if our relationship is causal and you are with someone else I don't expect to have it in my face. I wouldn't do that to anyone else either."
So what do YOU think?
What are your feelings about what the women had to say?
Do you agree with anything that they had to say?
What advice, if any, would you give them?