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Ruth Wells Fischer blogs about her life at Lemonade & Kidneys, and while she writes about all sorts of things, she occasionally graces her readers with an incredibly poignant post about what it's like to be a mom to two children with Asperger's Syndrome. (When my son was diagnosed, she sent me a link to this post about them from a couple of years back, which made me love her a little more than I already did.)
Ruth has always been quick to step up and share her experiences with other parents, and I'm delighted she let me interview her as part of our series for Autism Awareness Month.
I know you have two sons with Asperger's, and you've shared with me before that they're very different. Tell me about them -- how old are they now, and how old when were they diagnosed? How are they different?
My sons are now (gulp) 14 and 12; my older son was diagnosed at the age of 8 and the younger a year later, when he was 7. We were very lucky that our older son had a kindergarten teacher with a special needs child of her own, as she recognized early signs of sensory processing issues in our son when he was six. So he was tracked with some occupational and physical therapy input from a pretty early age, but the formal diagnosis followed a few years behind. By the time the younger one hit elementary school, we were pretty sure that he had similar issues to his brother.
When they were younger, the differences between my sons were more pronounced -- they seem to get more similar as they get older. (I'm not sure how much of that is maturity, how much is due to the ongoing supports and interventions they've both been receiving, and how much of it is due to Early Onset Maternal Senility and lack of memory on my part...)
My older son initially presented much more "other" than my younger son, complete with hand-flapping, grimacing, physical awkwardness, and other classic autism-spectrum behaviors, most of which he's now grown out of. My younger son never displayed those behaviors, but he was always very black-and-white in his view of the world, quickly frustrated (to the point of extreme agitation), and entirely self-contained. My older son is very even-tempered and patient; my younger son is mercurial and impatient. We suspected at one time that our younger son might have a touch of ADD, as he is physically very restless, but diagnosis did not confirm.
How are they similar?
They are similar in their shared ability to recall any bit of information they've read, seen, or heard, no matter how long ago; they both perseverate on topics of enormous interest to themselves but limited interest to others; they are both socially somewhat awkward and have varying degrees of trouble establishing and maintaining eye contact during a conversation; they are both absent-minded as the day is long. They are both thrown by any changes in routine. And oh yes, they are both obsessed with Bionicles.
What (if anything) changed for you and for them after diagnosis?
Initially, I was quite shaken when my older son was diagnosed. I worried that a label would follow him for the rest of his life and affect his ability to engage in world. But I quickly realized that a) knowledge is power and b) diagnosis = access to services. We are lucky to live in a school district that puts a lot of resources to its differently-abled students, and having the diagnosis has provided a level of access to teachers and administrators that has really enabled us to maximize the school experience for both of our kids.
Aside from the logistics, it didn't take long to remind ourselves that our boys didn't change with the diagnoses -- they were still the same interesting, creative, smart kids they had been before.
What sort of autism community have you found for yourself and how?
I did not do a lot of community-seeking, but of course, have found that many of the other moms in the area with whom I'm friendly are also parenting Aspies. Probably not a coincidence, right?
What's the hardest part of parenting Aspies, for you?
Well, I'm outnumbered. My husband is likely an un-diagnosed Aspie, and so it's three against one. I'm the only one in the house
