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The Intimacy and the Cost of Blogging

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They say radio is the most intimate of all types of media.

If you listen to a lot of talk radio (NPR junkies represent) as I do, I suspect you know on a personal level what that means. Distinctive voices heard day after day from the clock radio alarm, during commutes, while cooking supper, lulling a listener to sleep. Somehow, those voices begin to take on meaning in our lives...they become good, comfortable friends like no television personality can.

If you're an NPR listener and traveling, "home" is as close as your nearest radio dial where Steve Inskeep, Renee Montagne, Carl Kassell, Robert Siegel, Scott Simon, Nina Totenberg, Ira Glass, Tom and Ray the tap-it brothers, Garrison Keillor (and so many many others) live. It can be so very comforting.

I'll admit. I cried the day Daniel Schorr died.

Radio personalities have a way of connecting with listeners in such a way as to almost seem as though they're having a one-on-one conversation with each and every one of us. Good radio personalities are consummate storytellers, reminiscent of a long ago time when the only kind of story was an oral history passed down through the generations by weaving words into luxurious fabric in which to wrap rapt listeners.

But there are other voices, other storytellers, making a personal mark that rivals radio in an even more deeply personal way.

They (we) are personal bloggers.

I come to you, ready to get cozy with you over a glass of wine, with this tonight because one of my favorite bloggers, Kris over at Not a Girl, Not Yet a Wino, has re-emerged after a lengthy blog hiatus.

I'd been following Kris for quite some time when she just...petered out with little explanation. And I was sad because Kris had become a sort of "friend" to me...someone I'd like to hug if ever given an appropriate chance. She had such a strong, clear voice and so many of her trials, tribulations, and triumphs she wrote about resonated with me that I truly considered her someone noteworthy in my life.

I know. That probably sounds weird and vaguely bordering on restraining order time.

But anyone who reads a lot of personal blogs and who, likely, blogs themselves totally gets that, right?

We connect with each other. That's why we read. That's why we write, right?

So when Kris magically appeared after having been largely absent for over a year, I was ecstatic! And she even said she was back so I've got actual hope that we'll hear from her more frequently than, say, every 6 months.

But that's got me pondering...

Do we, as bloggers, have any obligation to our Lovely Readers? What happens when life or writer's block or boredom gets in the way and we suddenly find ourselves unable to produce any kind of publishable content? Do we owe readers an explanation? Would we give a dear friend an explanation if we were getting ready to plunge into the depths of the no-contact abyss for months at a time? Is it the same thing?

There was another blogger, Cream, I followed for about a year. I'd link to it here but it's no longer available for public eyes. I found this blogger in the "Life Blogs" directory at BlogHer when I first joined the site. Over several months, I, more and more, looked forward to her posts. Not exactly because they were well-written - even though they were - but because her STORY was so compelling I couldn't stop reading. Religion, job/soul searching, and her attempts to find the ever elusive love were common threads throughout. She was able to convey all of these things in such a heart-wrenchingly honest way that, I confess, I was addicted to her story - not unlike how people get addicted to soap operas.

Her last posts became focused on a man. A man she'd fallen in love with and a man who, purportedly, loved her...he was married. There were probably ten or so posts about him. And then, out of the blue, she posted one last public entry to state that, because of the tenuous marriage situation, she'd no longer be posting publicly.

Wait!

WHAT?!

You cannot do this to me!!! Uh...right?

From that moment on, her blog posts - all of them, even the earliest ones that had been public

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BalancingJane 6 pts

If you have worked to build a following of readers (like the people you mention, who were listed in BlogHer's directory), then I think it's only courteous to let those readers know when you are leaving or taking a long break.

As for the people who stopped posting but told their readers they were leaving, I understand that it can be upsetting for the readers, but we can't expect a never-ending account of someone's life. You compared one writer's story to a compelling soap opera, but soap opera actors get to have a life off-stage, and they get to be written out when they want to move on to other projects. Cataloging your own real life can become too much when any part of the equation changes: how many readers you have, if your reader's know more about your off-line life, what's happening in your life, etc.

janeymcjanerson 10 pts

BalancingJane You are absolutely right about soap opera actors getting to live a life off-stage. Mostly, I worry about her precisely because she did leave at a particularly high drama time. I don't feel like I needed the details but do still worry about how she's doing.

babydoc3 6 pts

I try to make myself blog regularly (well, every day this month) because I know I have at least a few readers and I want them to keep coming back.

I don't think this translates into an obligation to keep my blog going forever. But if you want your blog to be read, readers need to know that they have a pretty good chance of finding a new post.

Christine S 13 pts

One of my faves is on a hiatus, now, too. It's a bummer.

I get worried that the minute I start to think that to blog or not to blog is not totally my call...it won't be as fun. I think of blogging as something I do for me. But, if that were really true, then comments on my posts wouldn't matter to me. And they do. So it's a complex question you ask. I'll be thinking about it.

janeymcjanerson 10 pts

Christine S That's a really good point...if it becomes a chore (like during NaBloPoMo for some lol) and subsequently loses it's appeal to the writer, eventually the reader will sense that too. I think too that occasionally blogs run their course and the writer needs a fresh start (I've done that admittedly).

The Good Luck Duck 6 pts

Hello! I wandered over from the BlogHer headlines on my blog.

These are good questions. I'm sure there's a disconnect between how (we) bloggers feel about ourselves (I'm writing for myself, people read out of pity, how interesting could this be?) and how we feel as audience (will she <i>ever</i> update? What happened to the pig? Why would her mother wear that?). But, we experience the same disconnect as we operate as individuals in the world. I know it's absurd to imagine anyone would miss me if I stopped writing, and I know it's absurd to imagine they wouldn't.

janeymcjanerson 10 pts

The Good Luck Duck "But, we experience the same disconnect as we operate as individuals in the world. I know it's absurd to imagine anyone would miss me if I stopped writing, and I know it's absurd to imagine they wouldn't."I think we all ought to give ourselves more credit in the connections we make - especially online :).

ari_1965 6 pts

I think deciding that there's an obligation to one's blog readers begs the question of what obligation blog readers have to the blogger. All a blogger has is some vague stats that may or may not reflect actual readership or page views. But if there's no comment from a person, you really can't be 100% certain who is out there reading your blog, if anybody. Blogging is a lot like painting graffiti on a wall. You put it out there, but you don't know if anybody sees it or cares. To talk about obligation in this context seems odd to me.

janeymcjanerson 10 pts

ari_1965 The one- or two-way street question...is it a monologue or a conversation? Something this post has reminded me of is just how important it is to comment on other people's blogs and let them know I'm reading every word!

blackgirlinmaine 12 pts

No one owes anyone an explanation but I do think it's nice. One of my favorite bloggers who influenced my own writing started going through a rough time which she blogged about...bordering on homeless. She suddenly stopped blogging, it's been over a year now and I still wonder if she is okay. I did eventually send her an email which she replied to but I do think a good bye is nice if you can do it.

Part of what makes personal blogs what they are is the writer shares themselves and on some level it's only natural that we connect and feel for them. Is it any different than reading a good book that sucks you in? I think not.

klingtocash 11 pts

I have had readers write to me if I disappear. Due to the nature of my work and other obligations, sometimes I just disappear. After participating in NaBloPoMo and being a bit more active on BlogHer, I realize that I really need to let my readers know when I go away. While I don't have tens of thousands of followers, I do have a core group of folks who read on a regular basis and many of them I do not know personally.

I think that we have to understand that we are making friends when we put our lives out there and if someone is going to read my ranting day in and day out, I must be a bit more considerate of that.

janeymcjanerson 10 pts

klingtocash Few of us do have tens of thousands of followers. But even if we just have one, that one deserves something. Maybe not a full accounting of our absence but, at least, a statement of "hey! I'll be away for a bit." We'd do that for our friends in "real life", yeah?

Monkey 7 pts

I've always posted an explanation about any hiatus. I'm sure no one really noticed, so it's more or less for me to keeps tabs on what was going on in my life at a given time.

janeymcjanerson 10 pts

Monkey Don't be so sure, Monkey. Sometimes we get noticed when we don't even know it. Nothing is ever 100% certain. And, for all your readers, I say, thanks for letting us know not to expect you! And also thanks for coming back!

Lucy&amp;#39;s Reality 7 pts

Some of my favorite bloggers have just stopped and I miss them. I have had moments when I take a break but I have found my faithful readers hang around and find me. Unfortunately, a family member found me too and ripped me because I wrote about the family (mind you, I use no names) and they forced me to take down a lot of my personal blog posts, which broke my heart. Right now, I have been writing more cautiously and it sucks and I know my readers are wondering, I am sure they can feel it, because, you are right, we enjoy a blogger for their style and we know when it changes! I am getting ready to start being me again, I still won't write anything about that family member, they are not worth my time.

Oh, as for bloggers letting us know they are leaving? I don't think many realize they are until they haven't blogged in forever and then they feel as if no one is looking anymore!

janeymcjanerson 10 pts

Lucy's Reality Ugh. I'm so sorry you went through that. I have a little waging battle sometimes over what/what not to post about my own particular family member. I choose to keep it to a minimum since I want my blog to be a fairly happy place but I do reserve my right to say whatever I feel like when I feel it. In fact, I have a blog disclaimer post I did after testifying in a particularly nasty child custody case where my friend's blog became a major bone of contention. Huh...now I want to go resurrect that post again!

slappyintheface 13 pts

I didn't post for two days (last Friday and this Monday), because a friend came to visit me from out of state. I got text messages asking me if I was okay. I had no idea that people would even notice that I didn't take the time to post during her visit.

Elephant&amp;#39;s Eye 7 pts

We are all different. I have/do read blogs - about a woman whose 21 year old daughter was killed in a car accident, another whose husband is dying of a brain tumour. So many of the blogs I find interesting, are by mid-life women, and our lives get, complicated. Some can share from the bottom of their hearts and the depths of their anguish. Some, more like me, (would) go silent. I have a folder in my blog reader for those who haven't posted for 4 weeks. Those who can and do say why they've gone silent may stay there, others will be quietly weeded out.

If they return to blogging, perhaps under a different name, in a different field, I will find those shining stars a second time. As I did the first time.

I am sad for myself, as their reader, that the blog has gone, silent. But some have moved on, finished studying, got a good job, no time for a blog. Or a new baby - two daddies have gone silentish on me!

janeymcjanerson 10 pts

Elephant's Eye Blogging isn't always particularly easy especially when navigating complicated waters. For me, those are often the times I need someone to listen to me most. Thank you for listening to those who've needed you.

MistyE 6 pts

I took a 6 month or so break from blogging this year and when I picked it back up I gave my readers a very thorough explanation as of why. Not just because they had connected to me as readers or because I had connected to them, but because I believe that if you are going to have a personal blog then you owe it to yourself and your readers to be as open and honest as possible. If we're not open and honest with our readers, we lose that special connection that you talk about. I for one, enjoy the bond that I have between other bloggers and my readers and wouldn't want to jeopardize it.

The Midlife Second Wife 10 pts

Jane, I'm so glad to have discovered your writing here—another wonderful benefit of BlogHer! You are wise and witty and you express so beautifully what I think many of us feel when our writing begins to garner attention—a kind of performance anxiety intensified because performers at least have others surrounding their efforts. We do what we do quietly and alone. Thank you for these posts. I definitely look forward to reading more from you.

janeymcjanerson 10 pts

The Midlife Second Wife Thank you so much! This experience has certainly inspired me and given me courage. BlogHer is a pure gold mine of incredible writers and I'm glad to be here.

llavine 6 pts

I don't know if there is blog etiquette but it would generally be the right thing to do, to say good by to your readers if you have to stop writing. It is sort of like a soap opera going off the air with no good by!

Alison@Mama Wants This 15 pts

A thought provoking post. There's a blogger that I met when I first started blogging and 2 months later, she just stopped. No word, nothing and it made me wonder. I still think about her occasionally, and have even Googled her to see if I can find out what happened (stalker-like? Haha). I'm just curious and perhaps a little concerned. I have found nothing. Her blog is still up, but hasn't been updated in over half a year.

So I do feel that a little farewell, or a I'm taking a break message might be good for readers. It's not an obligation, but it'd be....well, nice.

If I was to stop blogging, I will probably say a tearful farewell. But, that's just me :)

Lovebabz 10 pts

I've never thought of my obligation to the lovely folks who read me. I just blog my life because its healing and helpful and I can't afford to sit in therapy for years on end.

I have taken breaks for short periods of time, always announcing when I was going off the grid. My readers always wished me well and welcome me back when I return refreshed and ready to continue my life story.

I actually like the intimacy and I have this fantasy that when the new Mr. Love comes back around, I can just tell him to read my blog and he'll be caught up on all things Lovebabz... yeah it's a fantasy. Life doesn't work that way and honestly my blog might just scare the hell out of someone interested in my romantically... sigh.

I do like that you raised this issue and I am thinking about this more. Thank you, it is quite illuminating.

Morgan Shanahan 12 pts

While I think the idea of saying goodbye is lovely, we as bloggers are taking a risk putting ourselves out there, and there are definitely circumstances in which you may not be able to share your reasons for shutting down. Sad, but sort of an occupational hazard of blogging.

janeymcjanerson 10 pts

Morgan Shanahan Agreed. Safety first and sharing is not always safe to do (as was the case with Cream).

What She Said 6 pts

How fitting it was to read this post the day after I announced I'd be taking a brief hiatus from blogging for the next few weeks. I don't have a huge following, but the following I do have is loyal and I couldn't imagine just disappearing for any length of time, much less indefinitely, without some sort of explanation. I do feel it's an obligation of sorts. Plus, I just like closure.

janeymcjanerson 10 pts

What She Said Good luck to you on your hiatus. I hope it is full of fruitful endeavours and that you'll come back to blogging when you can.

janeymcjanerson 10 pts

The "like" function isn't working all of a sudden for me but I do want each and every one of you to know how much I'm enjoying all your comments and insights. Thank you!

FarewellStranger 11 pts

This is so interesting. I wouldn't say we have an obligation - we blog voluntarily and people follow voluntarily - but I do think we should respect that relationship. I do value my readers, even if I don't know who some of them are. I've been honest on my blog, so if I planned to stop or take a break, I'd be honest about that too.

Having said that, sometimes life happens and people stop without being able to post a heads up. So be it.

sharongreenthal 10 pts

I've been thrilled by the response to my blog, which I started in mid-August - to know that someone is listening to what I have to say is so rewarding and a lot of fun. I would absolutely let my readers know if I was taking a hiatus or shutting down permanently - it's the least we can do for our readers, in my opinion.

allierambles 10 pts

Maybe it's not an obligation but more of a courtesy to let your readers know you have left and stop blogging. You don't necessarily need to tell them why but let them know there will no longer be posts. And something like "thank you for the support." Radio and TV personalities let you know they are going off air and many times why. Look at Andy Rooney, Michael J Fox or even Oprah, some gave reasons and some didn't but they all were grateful for the years and bowed out gracefully. Sure they were paid to work and so are many bloggers. And payment isn't always monetary, it can be in the form of a virtual shoulder to cry on or some laughs about our lives.

I believe bloggers should do that. Their readers are faithful and deserve to know that they don't need to come back because their won't be anything there. It gives closure, especially if the blog was on a personal level and readers depended on posts for their sanity. Blogs are communities and you don't just drop your community. Let them say goodbye. Maybe even direct them to similar blogs. But please don't just drop off the face of the earth.

~Allie

janeymcjanerson 10 pts

allierambles You are absolutely right. People in the spotlight, most often, to give some kind of farewell to let people know they won't be around in the usual spaces anymore. It is a courtesy. Thanks!

Jerrilynn 6 pts

What a wonderful post! I recently went off-line for a couple weeks due to some turmoil in my personal life and I have to admit, I didn't consider the effect it might have on my readers. (Cue guilt!) An important lesson learned!!

janeymcjanerson 10 pts

Jerrilynn Thank you. We all have those times where a break is necessary (I've certainly taken them).

curvywriter 18 pts

It isn't fun when your favorite bloggers disappear... but they have lives just like you and me. They do give up their privacy voluntarily by posting personal issues, but we should respect their right to clamp down on the details and invoke their right to privacy the moment they feel they need to.

I actually think that we as readers OWE something to the bloggers. We owe it to them to comment, let them know we are reading and that we empathize with them. If they are taking a hiatus it is up to us to let them know they are in our thoughts and that we faithfully await their return. When a blogger posts that they can no longer talk about a subject because of the difficulties or pain it causes, instead of whining about it because we aren't getting our daily fix of voyeurism, we should let them know we understand their decision and hope things turn out well for them and that we will be waiting here, like old friends, for their return.

janeymcjanerson 10 pts

curvywriter "I actually think that we as readers OWE something to the bloggers."Great point!!

Conversation from Facebook

Somer Canon
Somer Canon

I don't want to come on here and start being all grumpy off the get-go, but as a blogger (not so much recently heh) and a blog-reader, I know quite clearly that it is very much a reality that sometimes bloggers just drop off the grid. Sometimes they come back with new blogs, but sometimes they just go. Can't we just be appreciative of what they gave while they were here instead of badgering them for explanations as to why they stopped? There are so many blogs out there, so much content. And like a good TV show that gets cancelled, there is always a good replacement. We get attached to the characters (and bloggers) but when it's over, it's over. No obligation.

Polish Mama on the Prairie
Polish Mama on the Prairie

Interesting topic, new one to me and will have to read later today if I find time between life and reality (hubby may need surgery, dinner needs to be done, house cleaned, kids cared for, volunteer work, etc. Man, it never ends! lol)

Viqi French
Viqi French

Great question. I blogged about this very dilemma yesterday. Here are some ideas for writers block -- http://copyclique.com/2011/11/seo-content-ideas-fr...

Terri Patillo
Terri Patillo

I am not the type to just "add content". My personal blogs are for my family and myself. My professional blog is just that -- reserved for my reviews. My readers are not personally involved in my private live -- as I prefer it that way.

Gaelyn Olmsted
Gaelyn Olmsted

I do feel an obligation to my readers, many whom have become friends through sharing life's journey. I set out to discipline myself when I started blogging, to write every day. When I miss posting it's because I'm just too busy, that's life. Yet when a friend/blogger doesn't post for weeks at a time they are still on my mind. Maybe because I was raised to let people know when I'm going somewhere, and I'm single, by courtesy I leave a note/post/comment. And speaking of comments, just because the stats show Way more visitors than commenters, I'd really appreciate a few typed words. Nice post.

Healthy Blender Recipes
Healthy Blender Recipes

Thanks for sharing all of these ideas.

Lola Dee
Lola Dee

If I cannot come up with a new idea or recipe, I can write a new post referring to my archives, as I have alot of content .

Cheryl Tomaselli Baden
Cheryl Tomaselli Baden

When you share your thoguhts, others will share thiers back. If you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen.

Tracee Sioux
Tracee Sioux

We only owe what we're willing to give. Blogging can become soul sucking if we let it. Really, having done it for 5 years, I've taken short breaks with some, but little explanation. I come back and explain, and I do feel an obligation to my readers. But, funny thing, no one ever asks where I've been.

Juli Shepherd Southwell
Juli Shepherd Southwell

As an aspiring blogger who's been inconsistent I always feel bad when life gets in the way. I offer an explanation, but it's hard jumping back out there even after reaching out. I tend to feel that people have lost interest and the guilt and to some degree embarrassment actually makes me feel at a loss as to how to reconnect.

Nelle Douville
Nelle Douville

No, I don't think there is an obligation, although it is a courteous thing to do if able and inclined.