IQ versus BBQ

A new study out of the London School of Economics and Political Science says that liberalism, atheism and sexual exclusivity in men are all signs of a higher IQ. Honestly, I don't think smarts has anything to do with it. The bottom line in determining whether you spend your Sundays sleeping in or singing hymns is in direct correlation to food.

Specifically, just how good were the eats they served at the fellowship hall after church?

I grew up (and grew large) in the South, where even the 7-11 sells biscuits that'll rock your world. Anyone who attends church below the sweet-tea line not only believes in God, but believes that on the third day, he created chicken in pieces that were easy to fry and pork specifically for its ability to suck up barbeque sauce. And he saw that it was good.

There is no way, after the heavenly experience of Cherry Yum-Yum or homemade apple butter, a person would miss church and that lord-a-mercy potluck unless they were dying or in jail. And it follows that if you go to church in the south, you're probably going to be conservative, and much more likely to be faithful to your third wife.

On the other hand, if you attended a church that handed out plastic jug punch and box cookies after the service, there's less incentive to get out of bed, thereby making you more susceptible to Nancy Pelosi's charms.

But not to worry. That same study says there's very little chance that the human race is destined to become a bunch of hemp-wearing, Prius-driving house husbands. That's because we liberal types (I've lived on the left coast long enough that I've gone to the dark side, sorry) get very little energy from the sprouts and soy cheese we eat, and we need to spend that hugging trees. Meanwhile, those conservative, church-going folks down south? They're busy bastin' ribs and makin' babies.


Michele Coppola is a Portland-based writer and radio personality whose most recent work has been published in the feminist journals So To Speak and Melusine. Find her blog at

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